


Save My Soul

by LilyandLeather



Category: Rey/Ben Solo - Fandom, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren - Fandom, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, DYAD, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falcon as Metaphor for Ben, Fix It, Force Bond (Star Wars), Happily Ever After, Happy Ending, Learning to Swim, Longlo, Mythology - Freeform, Oral Sex, Planet Naboo (Star Wars), Post TROS, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, So much kissing, Soulmates, The Force, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Water Sex, Work In Progress, World Between Worlds, elsewhere, reverse Anidala, starting in chapter 7
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:22:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 54,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21908146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyandLeather/pseuds/LilyandLeather
Summary: Rey is alone on Tatooine. Well she has BB8 with her but he struggles with human emotion. She feels empty, broken, and like a part of her is gone. She does what she does best, run away and repair broken things. Until one day things change. She feels him and can sense his presence with her. She begins a journey that takes her farther than any Jedi or Sith has gone before, once again alone, but not as alone as she believes. She feels in her soul that there is someone waiting for her, and a mysterious voice from the Force keeps speaking to her, that she recognizes, but cannot place. Her journey will take her places she has been before, and places not many have seen with their own eyes.She is searching for Ben Solo.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Kylo Ren | Ben Solo, Reylo
Comments: 57
Kudos: 130
Collections: TROS Reylo Fix-it Fics





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you wanna connect with me elsewhere, you can find me on Twitter, @lilyandleather !
> 
> #

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The scar on his face was ever present, a reminder of how his enemy became his lover, he was sure there would be more scars in the future, his soul mate was fierce and he welcomed them. His face dripped with an expression of hunger, a desire that always called her to him, even as a vision."

The day after she buried the sabers was the worst yet. She tried to get up, but couldn’t find the energy. It was NOT supposed to be like this, she knew that. She was supposed to rule with _him_. No matter the version of the vision, she was meant to be with _him_ , her heart and soul told her as such. She now fully understood the vision she had when they touched hands in the hut on Ahch-To. It was them fighting side by side, moving toward the defeat of Palpatine. The vision of them sitting on the throne together, both dressed in black and red, was what would have happened if she had accepted _his_ hand in Snoke’s throne room. Rey closed her eyes, trying to wonder what would have happened if she had accepted. The destiny that seemed to connect their futures was always the same: Together. _“But this doesn’t make sense,”_ she asked no one in particular during her morning meditation. She was sitting outside her hut, welcoming the morning suns with her time and attention. _“Why did the Force give us visions of us together, in spite of what decisions we made? What was the point?”_ She slowed her breathing and attempted to regain her peace. But peace was hard to come by these days. Even the weather on Tatooine reminded her that the environment was rarely at peace. She was not at peace, the Force was not at peace. BB8 even in his limited capacity for emotion was not at peace. Something felt off to her, something needed fixing.

Rey allowed her mind to drift back to the parallel visions of her and Kylo Ren, totally giving up on her meditation. She could not call _him_ by his birth name yet, that was a name she could not utter even in her own mind of late. She had known Kylo more, but her connection was with _him_ , and both versions of _him_ were beyond her reach forever. She struggled with how to move forward, but felt she was covering it up well enough so as not to cause much pain. The newer version of the vision was as solid and clear as the first one.

They sat on a throne made of stone and metal, a combination of the Sith throne’s flowered appearance, and the First Order’s sleek metal clad seat of power. Arm rests adorned the side of it, embellished with elaborate carvings of natural plants and animals. Palpatine had said that their dyadic bond was life giving, and the throne reflected that aspect of the two of them. It also stood tall, dominating, and unrelenting, an imposing presence to anyone who dared approach it. Combined it was a visual reminder of the two that occupied it; a flower for her, the presence for him. They were an unreachable power, but only when they ruled together, that much she knew for sure. Separated they were nothing; together they were unstoppable. Realistically, Rey doubted Palpatine’s prophecy. Biologically, how could she give forth life when her soul mate was dead? Spiritually how could she give forth life when her life in the dyad was dead and her own Force connection was broken? The ability they had to be one hundred percent in sync with each other, communicating though the Force wordlessly was a power unmatched, and it would never come to its full prophesied fruition.

Rey pushed aside the feelings of sadness and remembered other details of the vision. Her and Ren sat on the throne together. Rey sat astride the wide arm rests that acted as extra seats to the right of Ren, one leg on either side. Her right leg hung freely, her left leg however, was crossed over Ren’s right leg and hung in-between his own. Her right hand held her scavenger staff, but now it was equipped with a double red kyber crystal saber. Her left hand rested on Ren’s shoulder, her hand massaging his neck and playing with his hair. Occasionally, light moans of pleasure escaped though his shut lips. On the seat arm rest, she sat slightly higher than Ren, but because of her shorter torso, their eyes were at the same level; looking out to a vast empire at their command. She was dressed in a female version of his tunic, long sleeves reached down to her wrists, and long slits in the tunic cut up to her waist, allowing her legs room to move. Her black leather pants were skin tight, and smooth to the touch. Her knee high boots gave her two extra inches, but the buns stayed in her hair as always. Her belt was a cincher, extenuating her tiny waste in contrast to her hips and shoulders. She looked powerful, in charge, in full control of her womanhood, and highly sexually driven. She looked like everything Rey wanted to be . . . who she knew she was capable of being with someone as powerful as Kylo Ren as her Emperor . . . as her Supreme Leader. As the man beside her. As her soul mate.

Kylo Ren sat next to her, relaxed, looking confident and skilled, in full control of every aspect of his manhood. He wore no mask now, he no longer needed to cover who he was, he finally had all the things he needed. He had who he needed. The scar on his face was ever present, a reminder of how his enemy became his lover, he was sure there would be more scars in the future, his soul mate was fierce and he welcomed them. His face dripped with an expression of hunger, a desire that always called her to him, even as a vision. His hair was full, and slightly wavy, exactly as it had been upon her first glimpse of him on Starkiller Base when he had removed his helmet. Her emotions tugged her out of the vision, and her heart ached to join him, to become his Dark Empress, because then she would at least have him, and not be alone. Again . . . Rey turned her memory of the vision to study _him_ , so she could remember this possible future forever as a comfort during the sad moments. His left elbow rested on the opposite side of the throne from her as he slightly leaned on it; his ungloved hand playing with the desert flower carvings in the side of the cold stone. His right hand, however, was playing with something much warmer. His large hand rested on Rey’s leg that draped over his own. The outside of her thigh pressed up against his cock, a pleasant reminder of what she was capable of in bed. His right hand rested on Rey’s thigh, exactly as she had once grabbed him. He held his hand still, but his fingers moved, ever so slightly, invisible to anyone else that might have been viewing them. But Rey knew what his fingers were doing: lightly moving over her leg, rubbing, pulsing, teasing her, making her feel warm inside, but also dominating her, letting her know he was hers, and he would pleasure her however she desired. She welcomed it; it made her feel powerful, like she could take on the world because this beast of a man would defend her to the edge of the galaxy. To know that she had all his power to her disposal, and if she asked him to do something, he would gladly do it without question, and with pure admiration. His legs were relaxed, the right one was solid, upright and pushed up against the front of the chair. Alternatively, his left one stretched out, spread out from the other, daring her to look at the bulge in his pants, daring her to touch him, to take him right there on that throne……

Rey opened her eyes with a deep gasp. She knew what this feeling inside her was, and she knew what she could do about it, but without _him_ here, it seemed empty, worthless and a waste of energy. So, she rolled over and sighed into her pillow instead. BB8 heard her and quietly rolled into her room. He tried to encourage her, but had little understanding of how human emotions worked, and could not fully understand. Rey had tried explaining human grief to him before, and while his enthusiastic support was genuine and well meaning, he could not comprehend it. There was absolutely zero chance he would be able to understand sexual appetite and satisfaction. This morning he attempted to cheer her up by intentionally breaking his antenna and asking her to fix it. She rolled over to face him, smiling sweetly,

“I’m sorry BB8, but I’m tired today, and will stay in bed for now. I’ll fix it when I can function better.” He beeped his disappointed understanding, but rolled away to leave her alone.

She struggled in the following weeks to do much of anything beyond basic functioning, but BB8 never left her side, making her drink water when he could and was feeling cooperative. Thankfully, the homestead was equipped with the things she needed to cultivate food and water. She had taught BB8 to make eggs one day to hopefully distract him from feeling the need to care for her, and ever since, he insisted on doing it for her every morning. She hated eggs, but ate them for him. Some days that was all she could stomach when it came to food; though now her hunger was by choice, instead of starvation. Somehow, it was more satisfying to starve in grief rather than desperation. It was a physical pain that could distract her from the emotional pain she continued to run from, even if she knew exactly what she was doing and hated herself for it.

Tatooine had a milder climate than Jakku, and it was oddly comforting to return to a desert, even if that meant she was alone again. Here she could run from the pain she did not want to experience. Here she could go back to who she was before she met him. Here she could forget his memory. But even though she hoped this would happen over time, it seemed the more time marched forward, the deeper her grief seemed to grow. The landscape reminded her that life was cruel, but it felt familiar here, safe even. Claiming the name of the family that had adopted and trained her gave her some sense of peace, but it was fleeting, and had left her a long time ago. It had been a shock reaction to his death, and now she felt without him, she could not renounce it. This saddened her, because it was the first time she felt peace in a long time, and the Force nudged her toward staying here for a while. Once she had made up her mind, she sent a hologram back to Poe, informing him that she would be staying a while to sort out her thoughts. The Resistance was deep in the planning stages of taking on the First Order once again. After the fall of Palpatine, there was still a whole army out there wanting to kill them all the minute they came back from Exegol. Their spies, and one in particular, were keeping them updated on developments in leadership, and the confusion about where their Supreme Leader was, gave the rebels a chance. The First Order was highly disorganized currently, and now was the time to strike.

But Rey wanted none of that, she was exhausted, and needed time to recover. Being alone was her chosen way to handle deep emotions, and she needed to grieve and gain clarity. A desert seemed the perfect place for a girl from Jakku to do so. BB8 asked if he could stay with her, and she was glad when Poe responded to the both of them and gave his blessing.

“Take care of her buddy, I’m counting on you!” He said, as he kneeled down and pointed his finger at the droid.

“BEEP BOOP BEE!” The orange and white droid responded, giving Poe his trademark thumbs up with his welder. Rey smiled briefly at his excitement of staying with her. It was comforting to know that even though _he_ was not here, the droid was willing to keep her company. She realized how fitting it was that BB8 had been her companion from the beginning and now was choosing to stay by her side. She felt she had to learn to let _him_ go, like she had to learn to let everyone else in her life go; even if it broke her in the process.

But for all the peace she felt living there, the emptiness did not dissipate. If anything, it became deeper and more difficult to fill. She knew what a broken Force Bond could do, and she did not want to live that kind of life in front of others. She could not allow them to see her break apart. However, since she had come here, she wasn’t feeling the deep pain she had been expecting or thought she would have from a broken bond. It felt as if something was off, like something was not exactly the way it “should” be. Since _his_ death the Force still felt out of balance; she sensed in her soul that something was not right.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lying next to her was the Force ghost of a Togruta female, wearing a simple gray cloak with the hood down around her shoulders. Her hands were clasped behind and under her head as she lay next to Rey on the grass, their elbows barely touching. Her legs were outstretched, crossed one over the other at the ankles. 
> 
> “Beautiful tonight, aren’t they?” She asked without looking at Rey, continuing to watch the stars. “They’re practically singing with what is about to happen.”

Several months had passed since Palpatine was defeated, and Rey was constantly pushing her emotions away, boxing them up so she did not need to face them. Her life became an endless drudge of habits and patterns. Up with the suns, meditation when she had the energy for it, breakfast, a day of scavenging what she could to create things to sell for a little money, cultivating food and moisture when she could, meditation as the suns were setting, and studying in the evenings when she felt like it. Though that last item often fell by the wayside these days . . . as did regular meals. Each day connected to the last, in a seamless existence identical to the previous day. Nothing new, nothing changed. The routine was numbing, a gloriously welcome feeling of numbing.

She came to Tatooine to bury Luke and Leia’s sabers at the place where it all started. Alderaan was gone, Ahch-To seemed too spiritual, Hosnian Prime was gone, Luke really did not have a home planet, so Tatooine it was. There was an oddly comforting feeling in the air as Rey explored the Lars homestead. It was as dead as she felt. She did not experience emotion lately since _he_ left her behind, and all she deserved in this life was to simply survive until she could join him. The way her body and brain were reacting, she would be seeing _him_ sooner rather than later. She had nowhere to be, and having something productive to do might help her spirits. There were no more Jedi’s for her to train with, her bond with _him_ was gone so learning that way was out of the question, and the Resistance did not need their “best fighter” despite Poe’s pleas. As she looked around the homestead, she realized that living out her life on a dead planet was her best option. Only then could she be reunited with the one person she wanted to build a life with. Her soul had died on Exegol, she was a dead girl on a dead planet, and death could not come fast enough.

Living there seemed fitting at the time, though now she was not so sure. She knew she was running from her grief, but she was not yet prepared to confront it. She doubted she ever would be. Maybe running from the emotions and returning to the young girl who survived living in a desert, would allow the memory of _him_ to fade into an obscure past that slowly became more dream than reality. Certainly, she would be in less pain one day, if she waited long enough.

“I know all about waiting . . .” she mumbled to herself to keep her thoughts clear of _him_. It had become her mantra, and it was a way to keep _him_ in mind while also avoiding saying his name. She could not speak or even think of his name without breaking, so he was simply a word to her now. A foggy dream that was fading with every day she did not think about him. A dream that she had woken up from that would never be real. She was already starting to forget the details of his face, how his hair felt in her hands, and the intensity of his eyes. What she could not forget was the feeling of his pulse draining from the hand she held as he died.

Today was going to be another day like all ones preceding it, she was scavenging what she could, in more ways than one; it was oddly familiar and comforting. But it was far from fulfilling. As she ate the eggs BB8 prepared for her, she thought back to the last thing she had completed by scavenging parts. Her saber.

She had scavenged found and broken parts from her staff and other old pieces of equipment around base as a distraction soon after the battle with the Final Order. She needed something of her own to hold, and set about to build a saber that was HERS, and that told the story of her path to becoming a Jedi. “ _The parts of a scavenger who was a nobody, and who is now the last living Jedi.”_ The broken kyber from Anakin’s saber was still calling to her even after she repaired its casing. She knew that all the kyber were destroyed when Ilum became Starkiller Base, and she had no idea where to get a new one. Her answer came one day in meditation as she heard Anakin’s voice in her head,

“You feel it Rey, and you are denying your destiny . . . it’s calling to you . . . it always has been . . . it’s yours now . . . it’s own life force wants to be connected with you . . . it would not be reaching for you if the Force did not will it.” With his permission, she immediately began crafting HER saber. 

Due to the broken crystal, she knew there were options for design. She continued to be fascinated by the vision of her shadow self in the Death Star wreckage, and used this inspiration to create a double bladed hilt. She created space for one half of the crystal on each side, with different activation buttons for each. This allowed her the versatility of a one bladed saber, but the choice to use a double bladed saber-staff when needed. She preferred the double blade, as it felt comfortable in her hands. She HAD been defending herself with a staff as soon as she could hold one, so it made sense to her.

Before she placed the kyber’s in the hilt, she set out into the jungle for an unknown amount of time. She carried them with her, and little else, but was feeling pushed by the Force to spend time with them before she used them. She still felt uncomfortable using another person’s kybers, but believed she could find answers in time spent alone, looking inward seeking answers. For two days and nights sh went without food or water. Spending most of her time in meditation, floating mere inches off the ground, she felt she was waiting for something, for what she knew not. She was not even sure of what she needed. 

One night as she was lying down trying to fall asleep, she kept her eyes open and meditated to the stars, hoping it would calm her. Suddenly, she felt a presence close by, and glanced over to her right out of instinct. Lying next to her was the Force ghost of a Togruta female, wearing a simple gray cloak with the hood down around her shoulders. Her hands were clasped behind and under her head as she lay next to Rey on the grass, their elbows barely touching. Her legs were outstretched, crossed one over the other at the ankles.

“Beautiful tonight, aren’t they?” She asked without looking at Rey, continuing to watch the stars. “They’re practically singing with what is about to happen.”

“What’s about to happen?” Rey asked, not shocked in the slightest when she got no answer, so she attempted a different approach. “Who sent you? Why are you here?” Rey was unsure who this woman was or what she wanted. She still did not make eye contact with Rey, continuing to address the Universe with her gaze.

“You called for me.” The female glanced in the direction of the crystals clutched in Rey’s left hand. “You want to know if they can be purified. You want to know if the sins of Anakin are still attached to them and will affect you.” Rey’s face changed to one of abject horror and admiration. The woman had probed her mind just as . . . _he_ . . . had done; she stood up in shock, wishing she had a saber with her to protect herself from further interrogation. Yes, she wanted to make sure they were now totally hers, but the fear of the great sins attached to them was buried so deep in her soul, she thought no one could get them out.

“Perhaps . . . but how can you help me Master?” The woman glanced at her, and rose just as quickly to stand in front of her. Rey studied her features, estimating her age to be roughly the same as Rey, though with some races it could be hard to differentiate.

“I am not a master Rey, nor am I able to be one, as I am no longer a Jedi.”

“But . . . how are you here, in this form, if you are not a Jedi?”

The woman’s expression softened, and showed compassion for the Jedi standing in front of her. She reached out and placed a hand on Rey’s shoulder, though she could not feel it. “That’s a story for another time. It does not feel like it, but you are already on another journey that will take you far from this planet. I am here to tell you what you need to do with the crystals so your journey may begin.” Wordlessly, the stranger held out her hand. She was asking for the kyber crystals, and while Rey did not fully want to hand them over, there was a sense of trust she felt for this woman. Rey placed the kybers in her hand and the woman laughed softly. “No Rey, hold them in your hand, and place your hand in mine.” Rey did as she was told, clasping the kyber pieces in a fist. The woman wrapped her hand around Rey’s fist, and laid her other hand on top. She looked into Rey’s eyes, and Rey sensed something familier in them, but could not place it. “You must meditate with them Rey. Inform them that they have permission to give up the sins of the past. Tell them they have free will again, and that they can reject you if they desire.”

Rey panicked. _“How could I continue to be a Jedi with no saber?”_

“Your fear is unfounded Rey. Do not fear the rejection of them. They are calling for you, they want to you grant them this desire. . . .”

“But how will I know when the task is completed?”

“They will glow white.” And just as quickly as she had come, she disappeared before Rey’s sight. She did not even know her name, and she wanted to thank her. Rey sank down into the grass, taking a cross legged seat, and placed one piece of the kyber into each hand. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and reached out to the kybers though the force.

“ _You are free in the Force. You are released from holding the sin of the past. You are not destined to be a part of Anakin any longer. I release you.”_ She lost words at that point. The Force knew her intent. She was afraid to open her eyes for fear of being impatient, and vowed that she would not sleep or break her trance until the Force gave her permission. She did not know how long she sat there, but eventually she felt a tug on her heart that told her it was okay to check.

She slowly opened one eye and then the other, her stomach churned with nerves when she saw a bright yellow glow emanating from the two pieces in her hands. They were free and finally hers. She glanced to her left and saw the sun just beginning to rise, and her heart leaped in her chest with excitement. The yellow of the rising sun matched the yellow of her crystals. A new morning was dawning on her, and she finally had purpose again. She thanked the Force and the crystals grew warm to her touch in acknowledgement of her appreciation. She knew the Jedi texts reported those that held a yellow blade understood and used practical learning in addition to the Force. Those individuals strove to not rely on the Force as a crutch. Rey knew all about practical learning, and for the first time in a very long time, felt totally centered and balanced. Something about the yellow glow of the saber was comforting, warm, and familiar. She felt lighter, like a burden had been lifted. However, she wondered what journey she was to go on now.

BB8 rolling into the dining room broke Rey out of her thoughts. She still questioned what her mysterious visitor had meant about a journey, but she figured that Tatooine was most likely it, and she had just expected too much out of it. Thinking of her experience that night gave her a new motivation she had not engaged with in a long time.

She had not been able to clean and repair the Falcon yet, but on this day, she woke with a desire to walk back onto it for the first time since arriving. BB8 of course was more than happy to assist her, as he always was. “ _What joy it must be to have no feelings…”_ she considered BB8’s unique ability to not comprehend human emotion a gift. He was a constant source of positivity for her and how she longed to be able to join him in that, but she dared not dive into those feelings, she was not ready yet. She was not sure she would ever be. There were always tears hiding behind her eyes, waiting to come out when she felt safe.

She slowly approached the Falcon, almost unwilling to see what she might find inside. It stood tall and welcoming, but also imposing. She thought back to memories of times spent inside it with Finn and Han. She treasured this ship given to her, and was trying to see it as hers, though that practice alone hurt. She did not feel worthy of owning it, of taking care of it. But Han had faith in her, and she would do her best to live up to his expectations. She paused at the entrance ramp, hesitant to walk inside, and slowly rubbed her thumb over and around the ramp’s activation button.

_“Three, two , . . . . one.”_ She mentally counted down to give her the emotional strength she needed, before slowly pushing it open. With a rush of steam as the ramp lowered, she felt a surge of energy flow threw her that she could only describe as pushing her inside. Her saber vibrated on her belt in a similar response to her own energy surge. For a moment, her and the saber were reacting to each other’s energy as one. She glanced down at the saber, and placed her hand on it. It immediately calmed down. How she knew it was calming down and not stopping she was not sure, but she was glad it would not be distracting her. There was nothing new in the Falcon for her to find, but she felt she was meant to be here. She slowly walked up the ramp, hesitnant to go inside for the first time in her life. It felt strange and familiar to her all at once. She slowly wandered its hallways, reaching out to feel the walls with the tips of her fingers, caressing the corners, noticing the dings and cracks that showed its age. She would need to repair some of them. Turning around, she noticed the bed in the living quarters had been stripped of all soft material and was filled with what most people would call junk. To her it was an overwhelming treasure trove of possibility and hope; things that she could use to repair the Falcon . . . and maybe herself. She smiled at a memory, _“the garbage will do_!” How strange that her story started with recovering garbage, and now had returned to it. “ _Life is cruel.”_ She scowled as she turned around, noticing the sheer amount of dirt and grime left behind from the last battle. “Who was using this while I was gone?” She mumbled to herself, glancing around the room. “They don’t know how to care for it at all!” There were blood stains that she would need to attend too soon, she did not dare consider whose it was. She took a deep sigh, and finding a cloth, began to clean.

As she maneuvered around the Falcon, cleaning and organizing what she could, she took mental notes of things that would need repairing, and items she would need to scavenge in order to make it a useable ship again. It had barely survived the flight, but somehow it landed as softly as it ever had, almost as if someone had been her co-pilot, helping her bring it down safely. She smiled as she noted the need for a better compressor and motivator, thinking of Han and how he would probably be yelling at her for daring to mess with his ship. “ _My ship. It’s my ship now”,_ Rey corrected herself. It was hard to not see things as others, but the reality was, things were hers now. This ship was hers. 

She reached the cockpit later that afternoon and began her early checks to see what needed repair mechanically. She could not turn on the engines yet. On pure instinct and without present thought, she reached up to move the dice out of her line of sight when the gold of them caught her eye. She briefly fingered them in her hand, and slowly pulled them off the hook they rested on. Staring at them, she instantly thought of _him_ and the way he held her when she kissed him. He looked into her eyes, memorizing her face, for reasons she did not understand in the moment, but soon would. 

“You came back for me, sweetheart. Just like you promised.” She whispered to him as she caressed his hair and ran her thumb down his scar and over his lips. “You’re not alone.” A grin erupted onto his face, and for the first time he looked genuinely happy. She could not hold herself back any more and reaching over toward him, kissed him as deeply as she could. He responded by desperately pulling her into him with both arms, reaching one hand up to her neck and massaging it ever so slightly. She was not hitting his mouth as she had planned and they both shifted, to deepen the kiss even more. He pushed into her mouth even more, breathing in everything of her presence possible. It felt like they had been kissing for an eternity, and also entirely too quick. They pulled back from each other, and the largest grin erupted on his face, wrinkles around her eyes bordered eyes that were finally shining with every ounse of light he held within him. It melted Rey to her core that the man she had once wanted to kill on Starkiller Base, was now her lover and wanted her with every cell of his being. He instinctively reached for her left hand, and she grabbed his in kind. This was the only moment that mattered, and Rey felt the Force balance in between them. She felt at total peace for the first time in her life. The feeling of his calloused fingers in hers was the softest thing she had ever felt, and she did not want to let go, even as his pulse faded. It had been the most peaceful moment of her life . . . and it had only been a moment.

As she broke out of the memory, she could no longer hold back the emotions bubbling up in her. Sobbing, she broke down onto the floor of the Falcon. She fell to her hands and knees, dropping the dice in front of her leading them to clank as they rolled away out of reach. She was barely able to stop the tears from coming. They fell down her cheeks in slow streams, and dripped on the floor at first, but that was only the first wave. She knew she had to let go. _He_ had once asked her to let go of the past, but she could not then, and would not now. The emotions were too strong, too overwhelming. So, for the first time in months, she allowed herself to let go and feel all of the emotions and fears she had been stuffing in a box, hidden away. The second wave started by increasing tears and her body shaking. First one fist pounded the floor, then the second one. Then the screaming started.

“WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME BEN? I COULD HAVE HEALED YOU! WHY DID THE FORCE TAKE YOU FROM ME? OUR BOND WAS LIFE GIVING. WHY COULDN’T YOU STAY. . . . I COULD HAVE HEALED YOU!” She took a break to breathe through gasps for air. She couldn’t see for the tears in her eyes. She was now kneeling, and rested her head on clinched fists. “YOU SAID I WOULD NEVER BE ALONE AND THEN YOU LEFT! YOU LEFT ME ALONE. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME BEN. SAVE ME AGAIN. . . BE WITH ME.”

Her voice broke, and she sobbed again taking turns gasping for breath and screaming her cries to metal walls where no one could hear her. She glanced up and saw some kind of controller on the floor, and instinctively grabbed it and threw it at anything. It spirited across the room and hit some instrument panel that immediately started glowing red. That expression of emotion, and the flash of red in her peripheral vision, ignited a fire in her she had not felt in a while. The dark side of the Force then threw her into a vision of her shadow that she met on the Death Star. She heard a whisper tempt her again saying, “You could use that anger Rey, use it!” The distant voice whispered to her, as if it was standing behind her. She recognized it, it was _his_ voice and it sent chills down her spine. She hesitantly stood and ignited her saber, a warm sensation rushed through her body that matched the bright yellow of her blade, she had no idea where it had come from, but she welcomed the calming presence and assurance it gave her.

She slowly turned around to see she was faced with her shadow self staring back at her . . . clocked in black, hooded, dressed like a female version of Kylo Ren, the double bladed blood red saber lighting up her thoughts of possibilities and questions of “what if’s.” But the vision standing in front of her was different than before. The hooded figure held the saber in one hand, the other hand grasped the gloved hand of Kylo Ren. He stood, unmasked, but full of the dark side, with the crossblade saber ignited in his other hand. Rey looked into his eyes, as tears came to hers. He wanted her, needed her, she could tell from the expression in his face, it was the same one he had on the throne. His thirsting for her grew stronger every second she looked at him. Her mind and body wanted to crumble at his feet, utterly at his command. As enamored as she was, she knew he was not real, but the way he looked at her, he might as well have been for the way her body was reacting and already opening up for him. He dipped his head in her direction and a sideways smile crept onto his face. After a long pause, he spoke to her directly, “You could have had it all Rey. If you had taken my hand when I offered it . . . the dark side can do many things. It can recover the lost. You know what you have to do.” Rey felt faint, weak. She wanted to go so desperately, but she knew that wasn’t Ben. _“But what is he talking about, what do I know?”_ She wracked her brain for the answer to his statement. Before she always HAD known what he was talking about, but this time she was utterly lost in his eyes. She blinked, attempting to break the effect of the vision on her. She shook her head, because they were still there. She glanced down at her saber, and she swore the blade became unstable for the slightest moment, before it became smooth again. Seeing that falter, broke her enough to allow anger to come through her wall for the first time in months.

“NO. NOT YOU AGAIN!” She lashed out at the vision with her words, and saber. She slashed through the both of them, but they still smiled at her. She continued to slash as they mocked her. Pausing to catch her breath made her tongue finally work. “I DID TAKE HIS HAND. I TOOK BEN SOLO’S HAND. I NEVER WANTED KYLO REN AND YOU KNOW THAT. I WON’T FALL TO THE DARK SIDE. HE SAVED ME FROM IT. HIS LIGHT AND LOVE SAVED ME. HE WON. YOU DIDN’T.” With her fading screams and mental clarity at what she had admitted to herself, the darkness also faded, the vision left, and she felt empty again. She stood there sweating, breathing heavy and deeply, calming herself from the temptation, eyes closed, and reaching out to the Force for help, but it didn’t guide her this time. She collapsed into the floor, feeling utterly alone. “I’M SO SORRY BEN. IS THIS HOW YOU FELT IN THE CAVE? DID YOU FEEL THIS ALONE? I’m so sorry . . . . why did you have to go? I LOVED YOU.” With her admission, she felt a weight lift off her shoulders, and the light in her soul that matched the saber’s slowly faded. It had come to her in a moment of need, when she needed saving. Like _he_ had. How she wanted _him_ here with her, to comfort her. She was tired of fighting alone, and needed _him_ with her. Her other half was gone, and just when she needed _him_ the most, he couldn’t hear her. She knew that trying would only break her heart again and she couldn’t go through that pain with false hope.

“whuurup?” A hesitant BB8 asked from behind a hallway door as he leaned to see her, concern in his tone.

“I’m sorry buddy. I had a moment there. Needed to get some anger out.”

“yit?” He questioned her.

“I’m better now. Promise. I’ll be back home soon.”

“yearep!” He rolled away back to their home, satisfied that she was okay. She couldn’t tell him why she was angry. Not yet, he’d learn one day, once she figured it out herself.

It was on that day, that Rey began to grieve him.

**********

She spent many lonely nights after, looking to the stars, wishing _he_ could come back to her. She spent many mornings looking to the horizon and the binary suns rising in the distance, wishing _he_ was standing there with her. She spent many moments being comforted by BB8, who somehow knew the exact right thing to say or do to help her feel better, even momentarily. These moments brought her dozens of realizations about herself, and _him_ , and what had happened in the last two years.

A part of her soul was gone, they had mere seconds of realizing how deeply they loved each other, his smile and dimples still haunted her daydreams . . . and her nightmares. But when she considered it, it really wasn’t seconds. It was a year of learning about each other, of secret Force Bond meetings to discuss and process things with each other, and of training together. She would brainstorm training tips with him, he would update her on his research into their Force Bond that still confused both of them, even though they were the one’s experiencing it. He had constantly wished for her to come and join him, it was in his eyes always, and occasionally his words. He was still Kylo, but she knew she could not accept the hand offered. She wanted the hand of Ben Solo and until he was standing in front of her, she could not join him. It had been a year of being angry with each other too, plenty of arguments left them at odds, until finally they fought each other so much, they felt it could never be repaired.

They both died that day, he brought her back and she knew in that moment that he had done it. What she had not realized was that his effort would take him from her. The only person to truly understand, see, and want her, was now gone. No one had been as gentle to her as he had been. She broke down next to his limp clothes, clutching them as if she was still holding onto him. He was just there, and now he was gone. She did not hear the voices of the ghosts anymore, and realized that once again, she was on her own. So she picked up his clothes and herself. There was no body, but she could not stand to leave them behind. She folded them neatly, taking them with her. She wanted at least a small part of him with her always. She was unwilling to leave him there all alone again, she needed to take him with her and something deep in her soul told her this was not the end.

The experience in the Falcon allowed her to begin to open up to some of the ghosts who would finally come when she called them. Most of the time. The fact that they had not helped Ben infuriated her when they first showed up seeing how broken she was. She initially refused to talk to Luke and Leia after their sabers were buried, but they seemed to understand. Her emotions were finally coming to the surface and she would not let them see her this broken. The only person she was comfortable with showing emotion had not come to see her yet. No matter how desperately she wanted him to. One particularly hard day, through her tears, she asked the Force to send her someone who could understand her. Within seconds, there was a knock on her door. 

“Rey?”

She recognized that voice. It was _his_ voice, the same qualities, the same tones. She leapt up off the bed and flung the door open to the face of a man who was not him, but someone who resembled him. Anakin looked back at her, with pain in his eyes, but also with understanding. Something encouraged her to let him in.

That evening began a habit of conversing fairly regularly, but only with him. There was something in the kindness of his voice that she appreciated. She felt a connection to his soul, she felt understood by him in a way that none of her previous masters had given her. She had only a vague idea of his history prior to becoming Darth Vader, and sat open eyed for weeks as he told her his story. She would ask questions, gain clarification, sought a deeper understanding of the intricacies of how the Force worked. It was not long before they began training together, showing each other tips and tricks. Anakin knew that he did not need this, in any way, but the way Rey’s eyes lit up when she learned something new, or nailed a new fighting style, or allowed him to see the smallest emotion from her, it reminded him of another young girl in the past that he longed to see again. While Rey would never fill that hole, there was a connection there he did not fully understand.

For Rey, it was nice to be back to studying again. She had not trained since arriving on Tatooine, and frankly, he was a better teacher than Luke in almost every facet. “At least you didn’t exile yourself when things didn’t go your way,” she joked to him one day, and they shared a small laugh. Laughter was a more common event these days, as Rey was allowing herself to experience more positive emotions along with the negative ones. One day while they sat in the shade of her hut, eating lunch on a break from training, she was taken off guard when Anakin laughed at her and said,

“Rey, you’re eating more these days.” She stopped eating the piece of fruit in her hand and stared at it. She hadn’t considered it, but when he came nearly every day, she felt a need to make a meal. He didn’t need it of course, but apparently she did.

“Maybe so…..” She smiled softly before finishing her slice.

She didn’t feel worthy of his daily visits and time spent with her, she knew that him manifesting in this way was painful for him, but there was something comforting in talking to the person who reminded her the most of Ben. Yes, Ben did mostly resemble his parents, but Anakin had his soul, his essence. She felt closer to Ben with Anakin present. She rejected all other Jedi now, only allowing Anakin to spend time with her, as both of them understood where the other was coming from; both understood the other’s pain. Both had lost their first love to death, and had no clue how to get them back. Anakin said that he had tried, but had failed. He explained in amazing detail his and Padme’s love story, and the tragedy that ended it. Rey was shocked to learn at how close their story was to hers and . . . his.

Anakin had discussed with her that he was confused by the fact that Ben had not been seen since his death, by anyone. “I can’t sense his presence anywhere in the Force. I haven’t been able to since he . . . I’m not sure what to call him. He died as Jedi does, is one with the Force, and yet his ghost is not with us, nor is it here. His body is no where to be found.”

“He’s gone, and I don’t know why the Force can’t bring his ghost back to me.” Rey was defeated and Anakin could tell.

“You know I spoke to him when he sensed your death.” Rey raised her head in shock to look at him with clear eyes, fully paying attention. “He sensed it, and gave up. I knew he wasn’t long for this world, he needed you.” With that word, Rey was sent into another vision. She saw Ben lying at the bottom of the crevice he was thrown into, not moving. She tried yelling out to him, but he could not hear her. Suddenly, she heard Anakin’s voice in her own head. “Ben, rise. She needs you. She’s not gone. Not yet.” Rey began to cry as she saw the lifeless form of the man she loved with her whole being start to slowly move the parts of his body that were not in pain. A grown escaped his lips as he struggled to find footing that wouldn’t cause more injury or personal distress. She could tell his back and leg were broken and her face twisted in reaction to seeing him suffer. She rushed over to him to help, but she couldn’t feel him. He couldn’t sense her presence.

She saw Anakin form next to Ben as he placed a hand on his shoulder. “Ben, you have the bravery of your mother, the heart of your father, and the strength of both. You need to do this. You need to complete what I couldn’t.” Rey gasped when Ben finally opened his eyes and looked into the face of the man he had venerated his entire life. Anakin reached out a hand to Ben, who reached to grasp it. With the strength he had left, he stood, shaking from head to toe in pain, his face shaded and twisted. Rey watched in horror and compassion as he climbed up the side of the cliff, barely able to hold on. Anakin was standing at the top of the crevice, and once Ben’s one hand had grasped the top, Anakin reached down, and helped him stand.

Rey snapped out of her vision, suddenly back inside her hut, and broke down almost immediately. She noticed that Anakin was tearing up with her as well. She saw in his face that he understood this pain, and what it could do to a person. He knew that Rey would not go where he did, and she would have saved her love if she could have, but she had no time. Rey curled up into a ball on the floor, hugging her legs to try and conceal the emotion that wanted to come out.

“Please go.” She asked him. “I can’t speak to you and hear his voice come out of your mouth.” She buried her face into her knees to try and stop from crying more, but it was not going to work.Before he could say anything, she got up and ran out of the room to cry on her own. Anakin understood, and silently left.

The weeks stretched into months, the months brought her to almost a year, grief was still strong, she had cut off the visits from the ghosts and had decided that her grief was going to kill her eventually. She had now lived as long with him, as without him. She was convinced this is what the broken bond felt like, this was how you die from a broken heart. Since that day on the Falcon, the only thing that could comfort her was the knowledge that Ben knew she loved him. He made a willing choice to revive her and to give his life for hers, as he healed her with every bit of life he still had in him. She played that kiss over and over in her mind until she had memorized every feeling: His hands on her back and neck, holding her tightly not wanting to let go just yet, her hands caressing his face, lips, and hair for the first time. The feeling of his lips on hers as she told him she loved him with simply a kiss. Him studying her face every second he could because he knew he was not long on this world much longer.

He knew.

He knew she loved him and he smiled. He knew he was no longer alone.

But then she was, and she had felt empty ever since.

Until this morning.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hold on sweetheart, I’m coming for you. Hold on a little longer.”

Change often happens slowly and then all at once. Or so they say. At times it is painful and exciting and confusing and relieving, all at the same time. Today was going to be one of those days for Rey. But the thing about change, is it’s often preceded by events that you only realize after the fact the importance they held. Yesterday was one of those days. On that morning, Rey walked through her room glancing at the wall that was now covered with carved hash marks. They stood out in white lines contrasting the orange of the walls, aged by years of sand staining the uninhabited rooms. Marks that showed how long she had been alive without him. Once upon a time, she counted the days until her parents would come back to her, now she was counting the days until she could be reunited with him. She knew she would never be able to accept his death and fill the empty hole left in her heart and soul. She could not even fathom looking for love and belonging somewhere else. She knew that if she REALLY wanted to join him she could, there were a variety of ways it could be done and she had considered them all in the waning months since Exegol. But there was also a part of her that wanted to keep fighting in this life, she felt like she owed him that much considering that he have up what was left of his own life to her; she felt a life well lived to its fullest extent was the best gift she could give him back. But how she longed to see his face in the stars. She resolved herself to wait for death to be joined with him for eternity, wherever he was. She knew all about waiting.

As time dragged forward, her pain was increasingly getting worse. It had progressed from a mere emotional ache in the pit of her stomach, to a physical pain her entire body had to fight to keep at bay. Her limbs were becoming sore and weak and she was noticing her joints stiffening over time. She was constantly rubbing her neck, trying to loosen the knots that were building daily and would not relax. Constant dull headaches were now a normal struggle even when the rest of her body was feeling fine. Her body was not recovering from injuries incurred in training as quickly as before, and her mood was becoming increasingly unpredictable. She did not feel like herself, nor was she comfortable in her own skin. She felt alien in her own body and knew it was only a matter of time before she would not be able to train any more. BB8 had been silently watching her for weeks, and grew worried, so he tattled on her.

“This must be the first stage of the bond breaking,” Anakin suggested to her while training in response to BB8’s reports. She was struggling to complete her follow thru and was breathing heavier than she should have been even just a few weeks ago, struggling to catch a full breath. They both stopped their mock fighting, sabers left mid air as they processed his statement, looking at each other. It was a moment of realization for the both of them as the pieces finally fit into place. Effectively, Rey was dying excruciatingly slowly. Ben’s death had kick started the process of her soul being torn out her body as it strove to be reunited with its other half, Ben’s half, to be fully satisfied.

“Do you know how long it will take?” Rey asked with tears welling up in her eyes. Her voice cracked under the weight of emotion as she attempted to subdue the rising tide that she knew she could not control for long. 

“I suspect it can take years.” Anakin offered a weak attempt at knowledge, but they both knew that no one fully understood what was happening. A bond of this magnitude had not occurred in millenniums and he even doubted it HAD existed before Ben and Rey. His love for Padme had been strong, yes, and he suspected she could at least sense the Force, but they were no where as connected as these two young adults were. Rey shared with him that Ben and her had frequently met up though bonds during their year apart to research about the dyad. They had learned together that they were essentially a single soul split between two people and they could find no evidence of it in recent recorded history.

Rey turned off her saber before explaining, “Kylo suspected the mythical Grey Jedi could be a component to bridge the myth and the reality. He theorized that the Dyadic Soul was in constant searching for its other half. I asked him what he meant by that, and he suspected a family, or a marriage relationship could resolve the dyad’s need for connection if a singular soul in one person could not be achieved.”

Rey thought back onto their conversation in his dark quarters that day. He had called to her though the bond to tell her he had research that might be beneficial to her. When he stopped explaining what he had discovered about the bond, he tried to justify his answer by saying, “Marriage, a family . . . close, frequent proximity to itself essentially.” He bit his lip, taking his eyes off her to glance down and nervously shuffled though his notebook again, tucking his calligraphy pen behind one ear that stuck out just the tiniest bit beyond his uncombed hair. 

“Are you blushing Rey?” Anakin’s smirk was exactly like his, and it snapped her back into reality; out of the memory she wished was still sitting in front of her. She tucked her saber back into her belt, turned around in a embarrassed huff toward her hut in an attempt to avoid eye contact with him.

“It’s only a theory Master Anakin. Nothing more.” She said to him over her shoulder as she increased the distance between them. Much to Rey’s disappointment and panic, Anakin followed her.

“I know what it looks like to be in love Rey. You would not be grieving him in this way if you weren’t already in love with him. The Force knows you are, you can’t hide it now.” He grinned at her leaning his head to one side as she reddened more. “You know that my entire goal was to keep Padme alive, and I failed her. I know what it feels like to live with the guilt of failing the person you care the most about. I also know what love looks like, and you were saved by Ben. He did not fail you, he would not allow himself to. He did what I could not, and you are in love with him whether you admit that to yourself or elect to ignore it.”

“Perhaps so.” The smallest smile escaped her lips as she glanced back toward him. But it did not ease her pain to know that her soul was in constant search for its partner. All she knew was that she had died. Ben had healed her life force and physical wounds by giving up the remaining pieces of his life to bring her back. She was overcome with emotion and love for him in that moment. The fact that they were finally sitting together, touching, gazing into each other’s eyes with an intimacy that only lovers engaged with, that she did the only thing that came natural to her. Now, she was slowly dying from a broken heart. 

The following morning, the day she would remember for the rest of her life, Rey woke to the warm sun streaming onto her face. Yesterday had been a horrible day, but today she woke smiling, eyes closed as she rolled over in bed to face the wall, remembering the last time the sunlight had awakened her to her first Force Bond with him. She instinctively reached to the empty side of the bed, before the misery and pain hit again. Her dreams these days were of him, and she had overcome her fear of reaching for him after the incident in the Falcon, and was constantly mentally reaching for him, though she knew he was gone. She knew it was a futile attempt, but there was something about acting on the sliver of hope she still possessed that was helping her heart heal. She would physically reach for him on occasion, especially when her mind was not fully aware of the reality of her isolating life.

She was learning to finally open herself to the emotions of grief, and was attempting to engage with them when she could, but it felt like her heart was being torn out of her chest and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Some days she wondered if she had even taken a full breath, as the weight of her grief held her down, suppressing her freedom and ability to function. The days had eventually morphed together in one unending drudge toward death. On these bad days, Rey wished for her end to come quickly. She did not know where he was; was he in pain? Did he know she was okay and that she had gotten out alive? Did he feel rejected by his family so much that he refused to let them sense his spirit? On those days she could not leave her bed, she refused to eat, and would go through stages of crying and staring at the sandstone walls. “ _Ben, where are you?”_ she silently asked the Force. But again, silence.

Today was looking like a good day to her however, so she got up to BB8’s eggs. Good days did happen occasionally when she could accept the negative emotions as part of her being. At least that’s what she told herself, but she knew the reality was pure and simple exhaustion. This morning she was supposed to get in some more saber training , and when Anakin arrived as promised, he teased her asking,

“What for?” With his question, he politely tried to encourage her to open up to him more, though she suspected he really wanted her to open up to herself. Just like _he_ had once done. . . but Anakin did indeed play along, as he did all other mornings, fighting opposite her as much, or as littlem as she wanted, always encouraging, always supportive. She could tell that he had learned from his life, and being with the Force was helping him come to better terms with his past, but he still was empty. He did not talk about Padme much after his initial history lesson for her, and Rey suspected there was more to the story that he was unwilling to share. Of course, BB8 still held suspicions about his visits, constantly beeping his judgment and concerns about her being trained by a former dark side user.

“BB8, how else am I supposed to learn how to balance the light and the dark, than from someone who has mostly used the dark side? Light side users shun the darkness and refuse to touch it. I know the light, now I must learn the benefits of the dark.”Rey almost did not believe what she said herself, so convincing him became convincing herself by de facto. She kneeled down to the droaid to drive home her point with what assurance she could muster, “Remember buddy, Master Anakin was accepted by the Force and has been redeemed. Maybe him training me is a part of his atonement for those errors. It’s hard to know everything.” BB8 seemed to understand, but his continued sideway glances and spying on Anakin told Rey a different story. Standing she marched back toward her current Master. “No mind,” she said to the ghost standing in front of her, “he’ll come round.” Anakin laughed as he took a swipe at Rey’s legs. She, of course, missed it easily. “Your early training on Jakku has taught you well apprentice,” he praised her as often as he could these days, “your genetics might have created you, but your time alone has made you Rey, the Jedi from Jakku. That is a name to be proud of!”

“I don’t feel connected to my family lineage, Master Anakin, and I doubt I ever will. But knowing that the Skywalker’s and Solo’s had at least known who I was and still believed in me . . .”

“beebeewhuripmehhhhh” BB8 corrected her.

“Excuse me BB8, you’re so correct . . . . ‘somewhat’ believed in me,” she glanced at Anakin, who laughed to himself softly, “helped me know that I am not defined by who I am related to but rather the choices I make and how I choose to live my life.”

“Living alone, on a desert planet. With way too much sand…..” Anakin sideways glanced at her, cocking his head down to stare at her until she spoke.

“Well it’s not like I have much choice in the matter! The Falcon won’t run enough so I can leave!” She motioned with her arm in frustration toward the heap of junk she had once called home. Like many other things in her past, it was broken beyond repair.

“I seem to remember one day not THAT long ago, where you saw beauty in the garbage. You saw the light behind the mask…..” Anakin placed one leg up on a nearby rock, leaning against it, identical to like _he_ used to do, and stuck his deactivated saber in the sand. His body posture was so close to _his_ it caused Rey’s eyes to slightly water. She glared at Anakin.

“It’s time to let go of the past.” She blurted out at him before angrily stomping off to her hut, followed by BB8.

“Wheeurop bree mehd.” BB8 corrected her again.

“ITS SAND, BB8, IT DOESN’T MAKE ADIQUATE STOMPING SOUNDS. TRUST ME I’M STILL ANGRY.” Rey yelled at him before slamming the door before he could cross the threshold behind her. He recoiled in shock before leaning in and softly knocking on the door with his domed head.

“reeeurip….” BB8 sighed. Rey opened the door to let him in.

“No, of course I wouldn’t leave you out in the heat. I’m not that cruel.” Anakin watched the scene unfold in front of him, smiling to himself at how much this Rey of Jakku reminded him of Padme.

After breakfast, Rey went back to lie down on her bed since the day’s heat was creeping upward. She continued to feel the sun on her face through the window and refused to move from her spot. Her left hand lightly caressed the opposite side of the bed. The side he should be in. _“If he could even fit in this bed….”_ She laughed to herself at the thought. She sighed, imagining his eyes boring into her soul every time they looked at each other. Their souls could communicate without words even from the start, though they had dared not speak to each other that way. As time went on however, the silent communication between their minds became easier, and more comforting. How she wished they could do it right now, so she could learn if he was okay, wherever he was. She heard the wind slowly whistling outside, in and around the huts, moving the sand guards on the windows . . . she heard BB8 cleaning up from the meal, making electronic sounds that made it sound as if he was humming to himself. She felt the sheet over her move with the breeze, as her hair slowly followed. The air was always warm here, but this time something was different about it.

She closed her eyes, for a rare moment, relaxed, and on pure instinct thought of _him_ and called out as she had done dozens of times before to open their bond.

Immediately she felt a warm feeling of light stirring in the air around her. It did not feel new, but rather an awakened presence that had always been there, it was just recognizagble now and she was open to accepting it. She shuddered at the similar feeling it possessed to the first time Kylo Ren looked into her mind, the same feeling of their bond opening. It had scared her once, now it was a comfort . . . . . “Don’t be afraid, I feel it too.” It made her instinctively reach for her stomach, opening her eyes in a panic.

She knew anatomy, but she still hurriedly counted the months since they had been together . . . intimately. She knew she wasn’t pregnant this far removed, to her relief. But had the Force done something she wasn’t aware of? Could the Force even do that? She thought of Anakin, “ _Of course the Force could do that. . ._ .” She closed her eyes, and again reached out through the bond to speak to _him_. She was confused and scared at this new feeling, but _he_ was her comfort zone in times like this. As she tried to connect with him, to call him to her sight, her heart leapt in her, and she felt the warmth that had been in the atmosphere suddenly fill her body and soul. A fullness and balance between the light and the dark emotions she had been feeling for the last year settled down in her. She tried to comprehend it, but yes, it had always been there, but now it was awakened. It wasn’t complete, but it was stirring. Her breathing quickened and deepened as she processed quickly what this meant.

It wasn’t an overwhelming feeling either, barely the softest whisper….a whisper that would come from a lover . . . her lover. She almost felt Ben slowly caressing her neck with his lips, a whisper shared in only the most intimate moments . . . Jumping out of bed she was suddenly exhilarated, feeling an energy fill her she hadn’t felt in a long time. She stood in her room, frozen with the feeling, not knowing where it was coming from, not daring to move lest it leave her. She began to recognize it, it was their bond opening. It wasn’t going to fully open, she knew that, but she could feel it starting. Tears welled up in her eyes as she grasped for her heart; attempting to keep in from beating out of her chest.

She could feel him! He was with her; it was faint, and distant, but he was calling to her. How she knew that, was not much of a concern and she frankly did not care. No words were said, there wasn’t even really a connection. She couldn’t see him, she couldn’t touch him, but he was with her. He was inside her and he felt weak and tired. She needed him to become stronger so she could reach him again. She tried to grab her beating heart tighter as she steadied herself against the wall with the other hand. She didn’t dare to consider what this meant, she desperately wanted to enjoy his presence and the relief it brought her. She felt like for the first time in a year she could freely take a deep breath; that hope was suddenly possible. Then, her logical brain restarted as she realized that he wasn’t totally gone as she had originally concluded; somewhere he was currently existing. This brought a new stream of tears to her eyes, rolling down her cheeks out of joy and she did not care.

It was an odd feeling too, she felt him inside her, but also outside of her. She could feel his presence in the room, in the air. It surrounded her, and inside her it grew from a faint ball of light, to an overwhelming whole body sensation of warmth and calmness. A connection of two souls finding each other again; of feeling relief at each other’s presence, of greeting each other with familiar comfort. She started to laugh as she felt his relief inside her suddenly match her own. He was no longer panicked, no longer afraid. She stood shocked that even though no words or visions were passing between the two of them, they could feel the emotions of the other. She felt his joy. She sensed he had been searching for her, and he found her after a long time and with great effort. He had been awakened inside her, he had always been there, but now that he was awake, she could sense him being torn in two, she could sense a part of him was residing in her; the part he gave over to her so she could breathe again. The other part was with him, wherever he was.

His feeling suddenly changed to one of haste and longing. She felt him reaching out to her, like he had done in Snoke’s throne room, wanting her to join him, emotionally. He was reaching to her through their bond. That meant that he wasn’t gone, the Force had him in one way or another. The shock of this realization caused her to collapse onto the ground. She focused her thoughts, controlled her deep breathing, and tried again to open a door to him using their dyad. She had always suspected he had used their bond to heal her life force, and now she knew it was truth. But she also now realized that it was his deep love for her that made it possible. He healed her with what remained of his own life force so she could breathe again out of his love. Her and Anakin had theorized that the Cosmic Force restored the parts of her life force that Palpatine had stolen, and her shared soul with Ben was tearing out of her due to his death. But a new realization came to her now that made all the sense in the world as her brain went into logical overdrive.

She had been painfully grieving for the man she deeply loved, their souls WERE searching for each other, and she was slowly dying, but it was out of longing for the other piece of her soul that was still in existence. She was not breaking under the weight of an incurable bond wound. She could not fully understand the why’s of what was happening inside her, but she knew that she carried at least a part of his soul with her own, and she wondered if her own soul was even complete. All she knew was that their souls needed to be reunited with their other parts, and each other to alleviate the pain they were both experiencing, which meant she had to go get him back and return his soul to him. Maybe then, their souls would again be satisfied, together, and in harmony. But until then, they would both be in pain; feeling torn apart.

For a fleeting moment, she considered the possibility that she was now the Prime Jedi, having both parts of the soul within her, balancing the light and the dark. . . .but she was not fulfilled, she was not comforted, and had no clue how to stumble forward without knowing where to go.

Her trying to reason out the science of what was happening, stunted her loose connection to him, and she tried to reach him for answers, but he was starting to weaken. Feeling more in control, she slowly moved from the floor to sitting on her bed, breathing heavy. She could feel their connection leaving her slowly, and in a few moments, it was gone.

But she now felt different than she had before. She felt warmer. She felt happier. She could feel his presence with her now, a constant glow inside her and around her. She was going to figure out a way to reach him fully. She was going to bring Ben Solo back.

*******

Except the HOW of getting Ben back was the difficult part. Rey sat at her small table, resting her head on her hand, endlessly tapping her fingers on her chin in deep thought. She had a pen and piece of parchment out to take notes, but was drawing a blank. She turned to BB8 who she had been verbally processing with for hours.

“I have the power of the universe literally inside of me, the power of both Sith and Jedi, the light and dark, and literally cannot come up with any logical idea of how to reach him!” She dropped her head on the table a little harder than she had intended, and mumbled into it, “I’m not the smart one BB8, you tell me WHAT to do and I’ll do it, but the how is another thing entirely.”

“Wheewheeuurn?”

“That’s sweet of you to say,” Rey raised her head to look at the orange and white droid who refused to leave her side, “but I have no clue where to start. I have the Jedi texts, but I’ve gone over them time and time again, and there is nothing there I can think of that will help. Ben had all the information on the dyadic bond….” Rey’s thoughts wandered to how alone she felt without him by her side. It was a strange thing to consider because they had actually spent very little time together since they had met on Takodana, and yet, because of their bond, she felt they had spent the whole time together. As their bond strengthened, they moved from simply seeing each other to touching, to fighting each other, to touching some more. They could start to read each other’s thoughts, and sense the emotions of the other. If one was to get hurt, the other could feel it. Rey laughed at one memory, shortly after the Resistance relocated to their new base, Kylo had called to her shortly after sunset to ask,

“Are you okay? Did you have a bad training session today and . . . injure yourself?” Rey turned to see him standing in the threshold of her room on Ajan Kloss. He was fully clothed this time, but had moisture around his brow, likely sweating. However this occasion was Rey’s turn to be half naked and she could tell immediately that Kylo had never seen a woman like this before. She hugged a towel around herself, hesitant to move lest it fall out of her hands. She had recently finished taking a bath for once with hot water, a rare luxury at the time. Her hair was sopping wet, her towel barely covering what it needed to. She could tell that Kylo was struggling to maintain composure. His fists clinched and his jaw soon followed suit as his eyes darted around her face and body, repeatedly. He was forcing himself to look her in the eyes but failing miserably. His frequent swallowing and gaping mouth gave away his thoughts.

“I . . . felt your pain, and wondered . . . wanted to make sure. . . ” He stammered, barely able to get out complete sentences. Rey realized what he was sensing and doubled over in laughter. She covered her mouth with her hand as she continued to laugh. Tears started coming to her eyes. She could see the confusion in Kylo’s face as he stood there in his full uniform, minus cape and mask. He tried to smile, but it was not working that well . . . he looked like a confused teenager. 

“It’s cramps Ben. I’m having cramps! It’s totally fine, honestly. It’s why I confiscated a warm bath just now.” Rey struggled to keep her composure as his face shifted from utter confusion to total embarrassment as heat rose in his face and his cheeks became flushed. His eyes diverted away from her, as the realization of what was happening hit him.

“Oh . . . OH. I’m sorry Rey, I didn’t . . . . I mean,” he reached back to rub his hand through his hair on the back of his head, moving down to the back of his neck, and around the front to cover his mouth, “. . . does it hurt much? Can I help you?” He started to move closer to her out of concern. She saw his face soften before asking,

“You can feel them? Really? How bad are they?” Rey was now genuinely curious as she leaned in toward him with her question. She had never expected this could be a side effect of a Force bond connection. She stepped closer to him yet.

“Um, they’re uncomfortable. Don’t really wanna eat, or move, or breathe…..” His answer set Rey into another fit of giggles, to which he looked confused even more.

“I’m . . . so . . . .sorry Ben, but,” she stammered in between gasps and giggles, “that’s literally it. There’s nothing you can do about it. I’m so sorry.” She reached out and touched his arm, yanking on his sleeve to indicate the need for him to bend down to her level so she could freely whisper into his ear. He crossed his arms in front of him and leaned down. She whispered, “be glad they aren’t labor pains.” Ben’s eyes got wide and slightly terrified, before Rey stepped back and closed the bond out of embarrassment.

The memory made Rey smile, but it also broke her heart. Ben would have gladly traded feeling labor pains for being alive with her to raise chil . . . Rey couldn’t even complete the thought of what life, a family . . . would have looked like with him. She was about to break down in despair again, when BB8 nudged her.

“Merp. Rearrd mearhnd.” Rey glanced over at him, he leaned onto her thigh and sighed in sympathy. She reached down and put her hand on the back of his head.

“I know buddy. He’s out there, thank you for reminding me.” She leaned over and kissed the droid on the head.

“WHEEEEEEEEREP!” He shook with excitement at her expression of affection. She softly laughed at his attempt to cheer her up before he rolled away, knowing she was okay. Rey sighed, unsure of what to do. She decided to make a list of what she DID know to maybe help spark some inspiration. A few hours before sunset, she had something that resembled useful information.

-Force Bond connection allows for physical, mental, emotional communication across space.

-Dyad=Force bond at least partially, maybe more?

-Ben is dead, but his body is no where to be found. Should be with the Force. No Jedi’s have seen him/Anakin cannot sense him.

-Padme is not in the Force either=not force sensitive?

-Can sense Ben in the force/bond, his emotions, his desires, his wants.

-Feels a part of me. But also outside of me.

-Healed me. Must have placed a part of his life force with me=part of him lives in me because I can sense it and feel him.

-Connection is faint, and difficult to start/maintain. Easy to lose.

It was this last item on her list that made her pause and think. The connection between the two of them was weak, she knew that, weaker than it had ever been. She could try to make assumptions, but until she understood more of how the Force, dyad, and bonding worked, and their history, she was going to make little progress. Problem was, she had no clue where she could get that information _. “I have absolutely no idea where he is, how I could give him BACK a part of his soul, if his body even can be reunited with his soul easily, and if he even existed in a place that I can go……,”_ with that final thought she started to breathe heaver and her body started to heat up in panic.

 _“Can I even go to him? Is he even in a place I can find him? What if he solely exists in me now, what if we have BECOME like binary stars where the stronger one absorbes the weaker one? But if we are a dyad, how can one be stronger or weaker than the other?”_ Rey’s eyes started glancing around the room, suddenly it felt very small and confiding. She needed to get out. To run. Escape. She burst out of her room, out of her hut, grabbing her saber from its hook on the wall and ran out into the desert as fast as her legs could carry her. She hadn’t realized that she had been working on her list and thinking for hours, because the night sky shocked her.

She kept running, for what reason she was not quite sure, but she knew that something was off, and she needed to figure it out. She felt a nudge from Anakin asking her if she needed him to come, but she brushed it away. She felt another nudge of someone else in the Force, a female this time, but she pushed that away too. She kept running forward, faster, she felt the sweat dripping down the inside of her shirt, down her face, down the small of her back. She felt a pull somewhere, but did not know where or why. It was probably only moments, but it felt like hours when her body’s weakness caught up with her and she collapsed on the desert sand.

“WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME? WHY AM I THE ONE THAT CONTINUES ON IN HIS STAND. THIS CANNOT BE WHAT YOU MEANT BY MAKING US A DYAD? HOW DO I GET TO HIM WITHOUT GUIDENCE FROM YOU?” Rey asked answers from the Force, and was shocked when the same female nudge answered her,

“A dyad means two, Rey. Two. . . One cannot exist without the other. He’s out there. You need to find him. You will never be satisfied until he is back . . . with his own soul restored to him.” 

Rey was not sure if the Force was speaking to her, or if someone in the Force was; she felt she recognized the voice, but it was no one she knew. No ghost had appeared to her, a voice had spoken and given her an answer. She was not sure if it was the answer she needed, but it was something.

As she considered this information the crushing reality hit her . . . the Force was still out of balance and had been as long as she could remember. The Force was sustaining them both, she felt that in every cell of her being. “He will never be satisfied until he is back.” “Ben did what I could not.” “A dyad mean’s two.” She mulled these statements over in her head, there was an answer there, but she struggled to find it. Finally it hit her. “Broken, the dyad and Force are broken.” She whispered to the wind. “They are broken and in need of healing!” SHE felt in full balance now, in full control, emotions balanced along with mental reasoning, even though she longed for him to be with her. The Force was calling to BOTH of them for rescue. Something . . . someone . . . needed to be healed for the Force and the galaxy’s wounds to be fixed. She highly suspected that restoring Ben’s soul to his body would move them in that direction because then the dyad would be in full power again and the Force could be satisfied in their union. Could Ben and her then progress forward to heal the Force together? The thought both exhilarated and terrified her. Her mind flashed back to what Palpatine had said about their dyadic bond being life giving . . . a belonging, life giving bond. But for what benefit?

To the desert night sky, Rey verbally reasoned out loud. “So if he is out there, that means on some planet he exists, somewhere. In some form, he is calling to me. Our bond is alive and active, and is sustaining the both of us because of its life giving powers. I can’t hear him, but I can feel him, he’s either too far, or the connection is too weak for me to sustain alone. He could help me by opening his side of the bond if he was stronger.” She glanced up at the stars wishing for an answer in them.

None came.

“Ben, where are you?” She closed her eyes, kneeled on all fours into the sand, feeling it’s comforting coarseness on her hands, on her knees. She could feel the cool night air whisping the baby hairs on her head in whatever direction it felt like. She heard the faint call of a wild animal in the distance. Her body started to relax. She unclenched her jaw, relaxed her shoulders. Slowing her breathing helped her re-center and focus. She recalled Luke telling her to reach into the Force with her emotion, and not her logic. She realized that she had been questioning the Force logically, needing the how, when, and what answered. Currently however she really needed to know the why. She had been asking the wrong questions to the wrong source.

The point was not where Ben was, or why he was gone, or how to get to him. She sat back on her ankles, placed her hands into her lap to relax her arms. She needed to be asking herself the correct questions. The Force was not going to do the work for her, she needed to save him herself.

Could she reach him? Was she willing to emotionally go wherever she needed to, to get him back? Was she prepared for the journey in front of her, and what it would do to her? She knew in this moment that she was not ready. Only recently, she started her grief process of accepting his death, which she frequently ran from, and suppressed her emotions because of their effect on her actions and thoughts. As she sat on the sand, watching the last light drain the pinks and purples out of the sky, she realized that she would need to emotionally prepare for the journey, not logistically. Once she had emotionally prepared, she could look at logistics.

The Force was not made for the Jedi’s or the Sith, she knew that now. Luke had told her, and her grandfather had confirmed it. No matter the side you chose, the Force was the same; it was all how you used it. Anakin had fallen, as Luke had succeeded, both because of emotion and failure. Emotion was the Force, and you would not be able to use it until you understood it. She had been focusing on the fighting and the practical use of the Force, and was neglecting the emotion, the connection, the compassion of it. She would need to connect with that emotional side of her again. The side of her that loved, that was passionate, that cared, that was understanding, that was gentle. She needed to reconnect with the girl that had fixed the antenna for a strange droid, and the woman who had seen the light in the darkest of souls. She was now convinced that would unlock her connection to _him_ , she felt it in her very essence. How she could go about it she would figure out over time, but her gut told her she was on the right track. For the first time in a long time, her logical side and emotional side were in balance as well as her light and dark. The light was giving her the hope she needed to keep going, the dark was giving her the power to fight for what she wanted, what she was preparing to do. She decided to whisper a deep desire of her heart, one that she had wanted for so long, but was asking the wrong people. She focused her mind to the stars, closed her eyes in concentration, focused her breath to herself; she reached out not to the Force, but to her soulmate emotionally and spoke his name with love for the first time since he left her,

“Ben . . . be with me.”

Similar to before, she felt the warm ball of light in her rise up again, excited, welcoming, but this time something was different. She heard it in the wind of the night sky, faint, and she almost missed it, but it was as clear to her as if he had been standing next to her.

“Rey . . .”

His voice was gone as quickly as it had come, but she heard it. It was unmistakable; Ben had spoken to her through their bond, as weak as it had been. His soft voice she recognized and understood immediately due to their shared intimate connection, deeper than anything prior in her life. She opened her eyes when the ever so brief connection closed, realizing that by opening herself to her emotions fully, she strengthened the connection on her own, without assistance from any Force or person. Under her own power, she had deepened their connection to such a point that he was able to get one word out to her. Tears swelled up in her eyes and started to stream down her cheeks. She believed with her whole heart, that in time she could make it last longer, be louder, stay softer. She glanced up into the stars with tears clouding her vision, but her purpose could not have been clearer to her, and she whispered to her soul mate, 

“Hold on sweetheart, I’m coming for you. Hold on a little longer.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She leaned her head closer to his, tracing her nose along his forehead, the top of his own nose, and finding his mouth with her lips. She gave him the softest kiss she could, followed by a second one, and then a third. The fourth one she went deeper, sucking on his full lips, even biting the bottom one the teeniest bit. She closed her eyes as she explored his mouth, playing with her tongue against his teeth. As soon as he figured out what she was doing, he met her tongue with his own. She paused, opening her eyes, to see a man below her utterly at her mercy, his own eyes closed, and for a moment his face totally at peace. She kissed him the deepest yet, and upon stopping, whispered into his ear,
> 
> “THAT is how you kiss a woman.”

“BB8, you ever consider why you’re here, or what your purpose in life is?” Rey reclined on the slowly cooling night time desert sand, her arms resting behind her head, her eyes gazing at the darkened sky, watching for falling stars. BB8 lay next to her, his domed head on the sand to join her in the evening habit; one that was calming and helped her feel a deeper connection to the Force and Ben. After his insistence in joining her, they played a game regularly that involved keeping a tally of falling stars each individually saw. The person who had the lowest spotted for the night had to do the dishes. It had been a few weeks or so of regular star gazing for Rey. No longer were her evenings spent in study, they were spent out connecting with the Force in ways she had not done since after the Battle of Crait. That year had been a glorious disaster of finding herself and admitting her feelings for Ben, but with no rational way to see them come to fruition. They stood on opposite sides of a war, with no way to interact peacefully. She wanted Kylo to join her, and he wanted her to rule with him. They stood at an impasse, split between political worlds. Two worlds that would never come together. Two worlds that the Force wanted them to unify, with its repeated situational insistence. A union that seemed impossible, with neither knowing how to solve the problem long term. 

Since his death, she was fully engaged with the logical side of the Force for training purposes out of desperation and grief, she knew that now. She had been fleeing from her emotions in an attempt to push him away, but this only drove her farther away from who she was, and who she was called to be. Active avoidance of her emotions for that long, meant she had to try and catch up as quickly as she could, but emotions cannot be rushed, and show up without warning. The best she could do was allow them to come as they willed, and manage as best she could. Most days involved at least one moment of intense emotion. They would come out in anger, frustration, sadness, crying, and any number of other strong reactions to mundane daily tasks which did not warrant those emotions. She could not study, she could not effectively focus much, so spending time star gazing provided her the stillness she required given that her temporary home was stifling hot most of the day. The Jedi Texts now sat in a box under her bed, no longer needed, no longer helpful.

“Bee urp boop.”

“Well, I know that, but like, you can make choices now, you’ve been programmed to have that ability, would you ever change if you could?”

“Meepmurph.”

“No I suppose not. . . but it would be nice to remember your first day alive right? To know how you came to be?”

“Meep, moop brrrrr.”

“I know how babies are made buddy. What I MEANT . . . ”

“Beep erm booooooo.”

“BB8! I want to connect with Ben for MORE than that . . . .”

“Moop.” His suggestion made Rey blush. He slowly rolled his domed head over to stare at her. She could not make eye contact with him due to embarrassment. _“Never underestimate a droid indeed.”_

“Maybe so.” They both went back to watching the stars when the droid made a noise that sounded like a contented sigh. It made Rey smile, thinking about how this tiny ball of spirit saw much more than he let on, and knew more than he told. He was a great comfort to her in times like this, though he could no where fill the hole in her heart, despite his abilities to try and help. His positive energy was at times annoying to her hurting heart, but also desperately needed for her aching soul. He was frequently her light and hope during the dark times. 

However, as much as she appreciated him, she would have rather had Ben next to her, enjoying the night sky, holding hands, talking about what systems they could see and where they should go next. She would roll over and snuggle up next to him, burying her face into his arm, smelling him though his clothing. If she felt like it, she would roll over even farther, entangling their legs together, her other arm draped over his chest. They could fall asleep that way, utterly lost in the touch of the other under a dark sky filled with specks of light. From the moment they touched hands on Ahch-To, Rey never wanted to stop touching him, his face, running her fingers through his hair. She had too quick of a taste right before he was taken from her, and it in no way satisfied the longing in her soul.

Rey sighed deeply, “Do you think he’s still out there?” she asked the droid, knowing he had even less ideas about the state of Ben’s current existence than she did.

“Boop meeem. Ruppppm bood.”

“I have thought the same.” Rey turned to look at the sky again, just in time to catch a falling star, bringing up her total to eight. “I just want to be able to connect with him. I know he can’t come back to me fully; I just want to see him again. You know?”

“Me boom.”

“What did you say . . .?” With shocked tone in her voice, the droid panicked, picked up his dome head and started to roll away hurriedly, screeching sounds she could not understand.

“WHEERIUMP VEEP!”

“OI! YOU COME BACK HERE BB8 AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF!” Rey stood up as fast as the lose sand would let her and ran after him, but he could roll faster than her when he wanted to. “YOU DON’T GET TO SAY THAT YOU WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN AND NOT EXPLAIN YOURSELF BUD. COME BACK HERE AND TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW.” The droid continued to roll away from her, but once he realized that Rey was not going to let up any time soon, he slowed and stopped. Rey caught up to him, and collapsed, bending half way over, resting her hands on her knees and breathing heavy. Her body was definitely NOT up to par with what it had once been. BB8 looked at her slowly and with compassion. Once she regained some ability to look at him and breathe normally, he told her the story of a black haired boy who wanted to build his own droid. A one of a kind BB-series astromech unit, personalized with orange and silver accents. A droid that was gifted to Poe Dameron upon his creator’s defection to the First Order. Upon the conclusion of his story, Rey stood motionless, staring at the droid with astonishment.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me? Does Poe even know?”

“Boop.”

So he was oblivious as to his droid’s origin. No wonder Leia’s passcodes were stored in BB8’s databanks, and the ease at which he showed affection to R2-D2 and C-3PO. He had grown up with them.

With Ben.

Rey swallowed before standing up completely. She had only ever really known Kylo Ren, and Ben only shone through when Kylo let his guard down. Rey only wanted Ben, but the thought that Kylo Ren was once a small child, wanting a droid companion like his mother, wanting to fly the Falcon like his father, gave her a new appreciation for the man she loved, and his lost childhood. Appreciation and heartbreak. She glanced over to the horizon to try to gather her thoughts, and saw a dust storm approaching. It would arrive within the hour by her estimate, which meant they were in for a long, windy, dirty night, and needed to hunker down. “Come on BB8, we should get back inside.”

“Whurp?” He looked up at her in shock.

“No, I’m not angry with you. I understand. It’s just a lot to process right now.”

Rey and BB8 walked back into the hut, just in time for her stomach to ask for food and water after her brisk run. Before that however, they set about preparing for the dust storm. Her and BB8 went about their normal routine of locking food and water away in the cellar, shutting and sealing all doors and windows with dust blockers, and wetting fabric to sleep in, to prevent breathing in a night of dust. There was no telling how long the storm would last. A few month’s prior, a storm lasted a full four days before letting up. The storm was arriving quicker than Rey anticipated, so she went into her room to grab a grey cowl because of the dropping temperatures pre-storm. It would be cold tonight and she needed to prepare. With the cowl draped around her shoulders, she pulled out candles from a storage box in the kitchen, and arranged them on the table to provide some light to their sitting room. She held them out to BB8 and he gladly lit them with his welder. He quietly beeped to himself, counting the candles as he lit them, for no reason in particular. Rey placed the candles around the room, and left some on her night stand for when they turned in for the night. BB8 did not need sleep, but learned to power off when Rey went to bed to conserve energy these days, as long as he was up before her to make sure she made it though the night okay. And to make her eggs. He knew how much she loved eggs.

Rey sat down on the floor in front of the fire BB8 was tending, and started poking it with a stick. She rested her chin on her up-bent knees. BB8 rolled over to her. He leaned on her shoulder and sighed. Looking into the fire, thinking of touching Kylo’s hand and kissing Ben’s lips, Rey was lost in her thoughts. “I know buddy. I miss him too. . . .” She leaned her head sideways onto his dome. “I just want to be able to reach his ghost, to release him into the Force, so he can finally go home. Then I could at least talk to him; make sure he is okay. Send him back to his family.” She started to tear up at the thought of a reunion, even if it was only with his ghost and they could not touch. Just to see his face again would be enough. Just once.

Her stomach took a jump and her heart fluttered and then faded. She did not know if it was him or not, but she placed her hand over her core, just in case. “I know love, I know.” The feeling in her faded, or calmed down, she was not sure what it was, but chose to believe it was him. “His ghost is torn apart, I’m convinced of it. It’s why he can’t appear to Anakin.” BB8 growled at the mention of her current Master’s name. “Hush BB8 . . . part of his soul is with me, and his ghost cannot return to the Force as long as he is torn apart. I have to give him back to his mother,” she processed out loud, playing with her bottom lip, twisting it between her fingers as she thought. “I have to send him back to Leia. His ghost is reaching out to me, wanting me to reunite the parts of his soul. . . maybe if our bodies cannot be together, at least our souls can be though the bond somehow, ” BB8 softly beeped in sympathy for her. He did not understand what love looked like, but he saw how much losing it was hurting Rey, and he knew she needed a friend.

“I wish he was easier to reach, but he only seems to be able to connect with me on occasion, and there is no pattern to it. I wish there was an easier way to trigger the connection this way, like that time at Maz’s when I saw a vision of him when I touched the saber.”

BB8 squealed with delight and lifted his dome, shaking excitedly. His beeps and boops were almost undetectable in her language, but she picked up, “Sweater . . . chest. . . .hasn’t been touched . . . his soul . . . ” 

Rey’s eyes got wide as she thought back to the chest, shoved under her bed when she first moved in. She packed Ben’s clothes into a trunk on the Falcon, keeping it hidden from the Resistance, not wanting them to find out about her connection with him, and the story of her lineage that came with it. When she moved into the hut on Tatooine, she hid the box by shoving it deep under her bed in the corner out of sight, refusing to look at it since: not until BB8 mentioned it on this dark and windy night, where she was going to be stuck inside, for hours, with nothing to do. She was unsure why, but there was something in her that prevented her from burying his clothes as she had the sabers. She could not bury him. It felt to her that by laying his clothes to rest, she was giving up on him. Now, as back then, she could not do that to him; she could not give up on him. Presently, it appeared there was a reason she could not let the clothes go.

Rey jumped up from the fire and practically ran into her bedroom, throwing off the cowl so she could fit under the bed easier. BB8 rolled out of her way and hurriedly followed her into her room. She kneeled before her bed, and dove under it as quickly as she could. BB8 leaned over to watch what she was doing. She pulled the chest out, it was heavier than she remembered, _“Cursed torn bond draining all my energy. Curse you Ben for dying on me…..”_ Rey complained to herself. Rey dragged the chest until it came to rest in front of her bent knees as she sat on her heels. She sat staring at the chest, speechless, hands raised to its side, shaking, afraid to touch the contents locked inside. Her eyes darted back and forth across the chest, the leather straps holding it closed, the locks that she had literally thrown the keys into the desert and had no chance of finding again.

“BB8. . . . could . . . . could you leave me alone to do this? . . . . I need to be by myself I think.” She glanced at the droid who already was watching her. He leaned into her, and she met his intention by leaning to touch his dome forehead, briefly closing her eyes in a moment of mutual gratitude. It was how he showed her affection, and he rested on her forehead just a moment before saying,

“Beep boom burp.”

“I will be, promise. I’ll wake you up in the morning and let you know what happens.” Rey stood and walked BB8 back to the main sitting room. He rolled into the corner and lay down for the night. Rey lightly touched him in a thank you, and shut him down. She watched the charging droid for a moment, listening to the silence now surrounding her. She was unsure what was about to happen, but wanted to prepare for it. Every time she had touched Force sensitive things, something occurred. The saber, Ben’s hand . . . things she was never prepared for, nor could have predicted. She realized she was terrified to open the chest, but wanted to be prepared for anything that could potentially occur. She could see Ben, she could be given a vision, or nothing at all. She went back into her room, picking up the chest, she brought it into the sitting room in front of the fire. She organized the candles onto her side of the room so she could see into the dark chest, and sat down in the midst of the golden red glow. She heard the storm increasing in intensity outside her tiny hut, and knew the dust was already building a drift outside her door. However, none of that mattered in this moment. She could feel her nerves increasing at what the items inside might do. After taking a deep breath, she touched the chest with both hands, one on either side. She closed her eyes, and was able to unlock it though the Force. It was easier than she had expected.

She opened her eyes, half expecting something to have changed in front of her. It had not. She slightly laughed at herself for her assumption. The Force was mysterious, but apparently not THAT mysterious. She took another deep breath to try and calm her again rising nerves and slowly opened the chest. What greeted her was both exactly what she expected, and a total reminder of things long forgotten. The Sith Wayfinder sat on one side, still glowing with the alternating red and green lights that showed the way to Exegol. The patterned circles carved to its side looked familiar to her, but exactly how, she was currently unsure. The lights inside it were fading, and Rey believed over time they would totally disappear and the coordinates hidden in them would be lost. She luckily had the coordinates saved on Luke’s X-wing and had transferred them to the Falcon just in case. Again, something she had done to preserve Ben in her life as long as she could, with no logical reasoning behind it other than denial. She picked up the Wayfinder, holding it in front of the fire and looking through it. The light from the fire morphed and twisted in the glass. It would have been quite beautiful had it not been so dark.

Rey wondered what Anakin needed the Wayfinder for in the past, and could only assume he sought to destroy Palpatine . . . again. Kylo had been looking for a way to get to Palpatine to gain his power and seduce Rey to join him on the Dark Side. She was unsure of his other motivations if any existed. Rey continued to look though the Wayfinder into the fire. She felt a comforting familiarity with the darkness creeping up in her soul. It was enticing; welcoming, comforting even. Her blood was telling her it was her natural state, something that could bring Ben back. Didn’t her grandfather say that the Dark Side could sustain life in unknown and mysterious ways? Could Ben be brought back though the darkness? Could her vision of them on the throne be a prediction of the future? Could it have been a promise, and not a possibility? She had been trying to accept the light fully, and to suppress all darkness in her soul, and she was succeeding, but the darkness was still enticing. The light needed to keep the darkness hidden and far away from corrupting her.

She pushed the dark thoughts away as quickly as she could, not daring to let them gain control of her mind and goals. She must not let the darkness taint her soul anymore. She could not let her bloodline dictate her figure and could not let herself use the Dark Side of the force. _“Not now, not ever.”_ It was the path to selfishness and corruption of power, and she was not willing to let herself use a single moment of it any more. Rey felt another nudge from Anakin to come to her, but she brushed him away with a shake of her head. She needed to be alone right now. Luckily, she could feel his understanding as he backed off.

She placed the Wayfinder down next to her, shaking her hand upon release in an attempt to expel any residual darkness left in her. She glanced at and reached for the Jedi Compass that sat on the other side of the chest. In a similar fashion to the Wayfinder, the Compass would help the carrier of it find their way to Ahch-To. It had been Luke’s and when she grabbed the Jedi texts, she grabbed the compass along with them. Something about it told her she needed to take it, and she had been right. Yes, they had the star map that BB8 completed, but the Compass was something tangible. Something she could hold in her hand that was not technology and could accidently be wiped clean. Rey needed things she could hold and touch to be fully confident in their abilities. There was a part of her that wanted to escape back to Ahch-To, but then she remembered that she had criticized Luke for doing that very thing.

“The very thing you are doing on Tatooine.”

The female voice she heard in the desert spoke to her again. The voice was soft, compassionate, and loving toward her. Rey jerked her head up in shock at its presense, but it calmed her and did not cause her anxiety. It was as if a mother was speaking to her, guiding her, pointing out things she needed to consider. She sat in silence listening for the voice to return, but she did not. The voice snuck up on her without warning, for the second time, and as she considered it words, she slowly realized it was right. She WAS isolating herself on Tatooine out of fear, out of depression. But unlike Luke, she had a purpose now. “Just for now, I promice.” She spoke to the voice back, internally vowing to leave Tatooine one day, when the timing felt right. When her heart had moved on; when the wound had healed.

But first she had to find Ben. She sighed as she looked at the compass in her hand, and placed it down next to the Wayfinder. Ancient artifacts that once were greatly prized, now just memories of a lost future. Rey looked at the drawn star map that now was the only thing standing between her and the reason she was opening the box. She quickly lifted the paper out of the box, placing it beside the other items, as her nerves were becoming difficult to manage without heading head long into what she needed to do; they needed a quick release. She glanced down at what was left in the box.

Immediately her eyes started to well up, as the scent of his clothes wafted up to her nose. She could smell the blood, sweat, dirt on it, but deeper than that, was his scent. It was familiar, it was calming to her mind and nerves, which washed away the second she smelled him. Being locked up in the box for months had saturated the clothing with his smell to the point it was overwhelming. She almost wanted to close the chest immediately to preserve it, but knew that would defeat the purpose of her opening it. The first item of clothing was his high waisted pants. She smiled at the memory of the first time she saw them. Him shirtless, sweaty, she had forgotten how to talk for a quick moment, diverting her eyes in embarrassment for the both of them. The next item in the box were his boots, familiar to her because of the ones Anakin’s ghost wore. They were identical to Ben’s, only brown. _“Or are Ben’s identical to Anakin’s, only black?”_ She moved the boots onto the floor behind her, out of the way. The last item in the box, made her heart skip a beat. She had not reacted from touching the other items, but her hands shook as she reached in to touch his sweater.

Nothing happened. Not at first. Rey lightly touched the fabric, petting it with her hand, softly dragging her fingers over the fibers. Her eyes welled up with more tears, thinking of the last time she touched this shirt with him wearing it. She picked it up out of the box, and holding it up to her face, took the deepest breath she had in months. Something about his scent opened up her lungs like steam, like the desert wind, like the smell of a rain storm. He smelled of the green earth, the salt of the ocean, the muskyness of his aftershave . . . and the sweetness of citrus. She took another breath and it broke her again. She sobbed into his sweater, holding it to her face, gasping for breath as her cries would allow. She rolled over her knees, burying her face even deeper into the fabric, pushing her face into her lap as she cried for him. As she longed for him. As she grieved for the life they lost.

There was no screaming into the Force this time. No questions as to why. No blaming Ben for doing this to her, or for leaving her. She knew this had been his choice, and she was trying to accept that as best as she could. This was not fear. This was pure, unadulterated, sadness, and it was tearing her apart. Rey was finally touching the grief she had long been running from, and while it was breaking her, it was also healing her. She could feel her soul settling down from the nerves of what she would find, to a calm that one day would resemble acceptance of his death. She cried as much and as hard as she could, and was unsure how much time passed. When she felt she had cried out all her tears, she slowly moved the sweater away from her face. It was drenched with her tears and discharge from her nose and mouth.

“I’m sorry Ben, I’ve ruined your shirt.” She whispered to him without looking away from the sweater, wishing his ghost could hear her, but knowing that as long as part of him lived in her, it could not exist. She slightly laughed at the thought of ruining a shirt that he would never wear. “You should have showed me this shirt before you died, you know. I may have joined the dark side if I knew this was hiding under that uniform. . . .” Suddenly the thing Rey had been wondering if it would happen, did. Though it was not a vision that was brought to her of the past or the future, it was a memory.

**********

Rey was in the middle of running her training course the morning it happened, and was not prepared for it in anyway. Their bond had not opened since she closed the Falcon’s door, leaving him behind. She continued to be haunted by the face of a broken man, pleading with his eyes for her to forgive and stay with him, even though they both knew she could not do that. She was not expecting to hear or see him for a very long time, if at all, ever again. What remained of the Resistance only recently settled on Ajan Kloss, and were in the beginning stages of reorganizing themselves before they could begin recruitment. General Organa was again in her element, and while her ailing health was obvious to everyone after the loss of her brother, being in charge of a failing rebel army was giving new life into her work. She promised Rey once things “settled down” she would help continue her Jedi training, but for now, suggested Rey construct a training course so she could manage it herself for the time being. Rey had obeyed with help from several of the droids to create a course of fighting skills she would need to hone. It was Rose’s idea for Rey to also make working on her Force sensibilities a priority, “just in case.” Rey still suspected General Organa’s insistence on the course was to distract Rey from the rest of the members, but this was unconfirmed. The truth of the matter was, Leia knew Rey had feelings for her son, and wanted Rey to confront them. She told Rey as much, and the only way Rey could adequately confront those feelings was to train. Both of them agreed this was the way forward, though Rey still suspected ulterior motives.

That morning, Rey decided to continue training in the Force, instead of combat. She stood blindfolded with a red scrap of material, as BB8 hid her recently repaired saber. She was to move, sensing it calling to her, and narrow in on it. She was NOT to call it to her. She had been training this way for months, and BB8 now struggled to hide it where she could not locate it quickly. He resorted to moving farther and farther away. Her record was near a kilometer away, and today she wanted to test the outer limits of her skill set and aim for two kilometers. She heard BB8 whrring away, and started spinning in circles to intentionally disorient herself. She stopped and waited for BB8’s signal at his return. He beeped to her upon his arrival indicating she could start. She reached out into the Force to try and detect what direction she needed to move in to find it. After a few moments, she concluded it was near by, but not easily accessible, and off to her left somewhere. Often moving gave her something to triangulate with, making it easier to discover direction. She was trying to sense her way today without using her hands, in case she ever was incapacitated in any way without free use of her hands. 

Rey’s thoughts in that moment immediately jumped to the last time her hands had been tied together, in Snoke’s throne room. Kylo had been there, fighting by her side. Even though they had not literally been fighting together, they were connected by the Force and communicated needs to each other. Rey heard his plea to her, “Hold on” when he saw her struggling with one of the Guards, and could not get there. She remembered his look of longing for her, when he killed the last guard, casting off the saber he so desperately desired, and could only make eye contact with her. For a fleeting moment, Rey was the center of his galaxy, and it stirred her soul like nothing else ever had prior to that moment. A war was keeping them apart, and full conversations were not practical now. She wanted to turn him, but he refused, and she was starting to give up on him. She knew he was angry with her, she could feel it through their bond when one tried to open the door, but it was always refused by one or both of them, and she had no idea how to address his anger at her . . . or how to address her attraction to him. She knew Leia knew, but no one else even so much as suspected her connection to the Supreme Leader, let alone her attraction to his heart, and his body.

In the middle of thinking about him, she felt the bond opening from his side, and she quickly followed suit. She needed to see him this time, to make sure he was okay. Those eyes called to her . . . Taking off her blindfold, she was immediately sucked into his world, the jungle of Ajan Kloss disappearing behind her.

Kylo was in the middle of a training sequence, dressed in his undershirt, pants and boots, with his gloves on. His saber was almost a natural extension of his arm as he moved around the room swinging and dodging an invisible enemy. His face showed an expression of frustration and anger. Rey reached out to sense his emotions, half expecting him to be blocking them from her. He was not this time, and instead was thinking OF her and working out his own emotions. He paused in his training standing with is back toward her, and de-activated the saber, setting it down on the table. Reaching to the bottom of his shirt, he twisted it up and over his head, throwing it on his bed.

_“His bed….”_ Rey remembered panicking as the realization came to her that they were in his living quarters. Looking around, the room was black and grey, accented by red lights that gave her the eerie impression they were being watched, but she knew that was irrational. She glanced back to Kylo who still was unaware of her presence in his space. His gloves he kept on, but now revealed to her was a black tank top and suspenders holding up his high waisted pants. Or rather, they HAD been holding them up; they were now draped down by his sides. He reached for the saber again, and started his fighting sequence, repeating the exact same moves as before. Rey recognized the fighting sequence from the throne room. She was sure it was the exact same one, as he even paused for where she had stabbed a guard, and grabbed his thigh. In those pauses, he would take a deep breath, puffing it out of his mouth through his cheeks. They both had been so in tune with each other’s bodies that day, they knew what the other was physically doing and what emotional assistance they needed a half second before they acted to help the other. Rey watched as Kylo spun around the room, working harder and faster than she had ever watched him fight. He was after something now. He was after her.

She felt him sense her presence, and noticed his shoulders ever so slightly relax at this awareness, but he did not stop his engagement. When he finally exhausted himself, he stopped with his back still toward her, deactivated the saber, and addressed her though labored breaths,

“Took you long enough.” He turned to face her, laying his saber down on the table. She caught her breath, as his face was the exact same pleading look from Crait.

“Remember, you were the one who called to me.” This was the first time she had seen him in less clothing than his uniform since the Supremacy, and his muscular bare arms were making her feel things. They were larger than she remembered, and now glistened with the sweat of his workout. She took another sharp breath in, but before she could say anything, he interrupted her thoughts about his body,

“So you CAN be ordered around when you want to be.”

“No. Not by you certainly. I came because I wanted to. Why did you want me?” She was shocked to feel her saber in her hand. She was unsure if it was part of the bond, or if she had called it to her by accident, either way, she clipped it to her belt. He pointed to her weapon,

“I see you like the clip instead of the ring. Much more accessible attachment style,” he picked up his own saber hilt and spun it in his gloved hand, looking at it with a slight grin on his face. “The old Jedi were not amazing architects.”

“I had to make repairs to this one you know. Even made improvements.” He met her eyes, taking a pause to swallow,

“You have always had a knack for repairing broken things Rey,” He lowered his gaze, like he had done in their second bond, even lowering his voice in a similar fashion and continued, “maybe one day you can do more than just fix sabers.”

“I’m still not joining you Kylo.” He recoiled at her usage of his invented name. “You know that. I can’t join you.” She reached for her saber and unclipped it as a threat. “I don’t want to hurt you Kylo, but I will if I have to.”

“You couldn’t if you wanted to, and we both know that.” He took a step toward her. And then another one. A third slow, tentative step brought him to within a yard of her, his saber silent still in his hand. “Put it away Rey.” He commanded her. Taking another step, he reached out to slowly touch her arm. His gloved hand slightly shook as he touched her near her still healing wound, and his gloved fingers slowly traced her arm down to her wrist, over her armbands. His eyes left Rey’s face, and followed his fingers as they grazed her arm. His face softened even more, his eyes slightly tearing up. Was it out of fear? Shame?

She should have recoiled or pushed him away, but his contact was electrifying to her, the softness in his touch contradicted the harsh exterior he put on for the world. She could not make herself look away from his eyes; so desperate, so lonely . . . so deeply longing for her. His hand made it down to her saber, and instead of taking it like had tried before, he simply switched it off. He again made deep eye contact with those still wet eyes, and in desperation asked, “Why can’t we talk Rey, why do you always have to fight me? I won’t hurt you, I never have.”

“You’ve hurt my friends; that hurts me.”

“I didn’t mean to, but war brings . . . casualties.”

“YOU TRIED TO KILL YOUR OWN MOTHER. YOU KILLED YOUR FATHER. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE YOU?” She yelled to him, causing him to bring his hand back to his own side of the bond.

“I told you. I didn’t hate Han Solo. I also didn’t fire the shot that was intended for Leia. I pulled up at the last moment, I didn’t fire at her or your friends. Hux ordered the destruction of Hosnian Prime.” This information was news to Rey, who had only heard one side of the story she was now realizing. “And if your bombers hadn’t moved against the Dreadnought, they would all still be alive.” That did it for Rey.

She reached for her saber, igniting it and practically pounced on Kylo Ren. In a similar fashion, he pulled out his saber, and blocked her thrust immediately. Rey’s frustration grew as he matched every advance she made, and blocked every attempt at tricking him. She tried swinging for his head, cutting to his knees, spinning around to get his side, but all attempts failed miserably. They were completely matched in every way. They continued to move around the room in something that felt more like a choreographed dance to Rey than a fight, using each other’s skills to their own advantage, but also knowing the other’s exact moves. Their bond even made their angry fights a dance of beauty.

“Rey. You’ve been training . . . you’ve been taking my years of training and stealing it through the bond. Smart girl.”

“I wouldn’t have them if you didn’t send them to me! You gave them to me on Starkiller, and have been in my body ever since, you bastard!” He bent backwards to avoid a swing that was more dramatic than she had intended. She could tell Kylo was impressed.

“You should have taken my hand when I offered it Rey, just picture what we could have been,” he surprised her with his comment, and in that moment of hesitation, he flicked her saber out of her hand, sending it across the room and backed her up against the wall with his saber at her throat. However, he did not control her body as he had before through the Force. No, he was granting her freedom of her own body now.   
“TELL ME YOU WANTED TO TAKE IT.” His increased volume shocked her, and also invited her closer to him. His intensity practically drew the truth out of her.

“I DID WANT TO TAKE IT. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR? I WANTED TO, BUT I COULDN’T. I STILL CAN’T!” At her admission, Kylo deactivated his saber and threw it across the room in the direction of where her’s landed. Before Rey knew what was happening, Kylo Ren was grabbing her face in his hands and kissing her. No he wasn’t just kissing her. He was practically devouring her. Rey was not engaged in the kiss, it was wet and uncomfortable. He was harsh, and passionate . . . but his moan into her mouth begged her to join him. She pushed him off as quickly as he had started. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

Kylo wiped his mouth with the back of his gloved left hand. His eyes were practically sinful with desire for her. They looked into her soul, reading her thoughts. She wanted him, and had not blocked the thought quickly enough.

“Oh, so you DO want me. . .” he growled, “Come here, sweetheart.” He dove to kiss her again, and she held out a hand to stop him, meeting his chest. He stopped immediately, glancing from her hand on his chest, to her face. The realization was hitting them simultaneously that they were doing more than touching fingers across the universe. They could be doing much more, they both wanted to do more. Rey wanted him desperately, but could not risk a pregnancy. She had not taken appropriate precautions, and was not about to carry the Supreme Leader’s child while they were opposite focal points of a war. Explaining where a child came from to Finn and Poe would not go over well.  
“Stop.” Rey commanded him. She could see the mask of Kylo Ren fall just as quickly as it had risen. He could be in control when he wanted to, but at the simple command uttered from her lips, he could be tamed. Kylo Ren could be controlled, and easier than she assumed. Rey immediately blocked the thought behind a wall where he could not find it. “I won’t let you do this, it won’t turn out the way you want it too.” Rey glanced at the sweater on the bed and the realization of what she could do hit her like a Chewie sneak attack hug.

“Lay down.” She looked at him with a steely glare, and pointed at the bed. “Put the sweater back on.” Kylo stared at her out of shock and esteem, glancing from the bed back to her. She cocked an eyebrow and crossed her arms. She was an experiment, because she knew by this position, her arms framed her breasts, making them a target for his gaze. It worked exactly as she thought it would. Kylo reached over, and grabbing the shirt, pulled it back over his head. He walked around her, pulling her arm with him as he laid down on the bed, his gaze not leaving her. He was at least 8 inches too tall for its length, so he bent his legs sideways to fit.

“The great Kylo Ren can’t even have a normal sized bed?” A part of her heart broke for him.

“I don’t need one.” He rested his hand on her arm, his grip getting tighter by the minute, his eyes begging for her. Rey did not know a lot about being intimate with a man, but she knew enough. She turned around to face him, and tentatively climbed up on top of him, straddling his waist in-between her legs. Kneeling on the way too hard bed, she leaned over and placed her hands on the pillow under his head, starring into his dark brown eyes. They looked so tired, ancient even. Almost like he had lived a million lifetimes, yearning for this very moment.

“Can I . . . touch you?” He attentively asked, in the same tone of the throne room plea. It had broken her heart then, it was breaking her heart now. She slightly nodded her head, and his hands started freely grabbing and exploring her curves, not breaking eye contact. His large hands could grab one side of her ass fully, and she was pretty sure one hand could easily span her waist. _“He’s massive….”_ She remembered thinking. His hands moved up to her back, the leather allowed him to easily slide over her clothing, his touch was needy, but soft, light even. Kylo Ren did not want to hurt her, despite his claims of revenge. He wanted her desperately, and Rey wanted him in the same way, but she suspected she had more self-control than he did in this moment.

She leaned her head closer to his, tracing her nose along his forehead, the top of his own nose, and finding his mouth with her lips. She gave him the softest kiss she could, followed by a second one, and then a third. The fourth one she went deeper, sucking on his full lips, even biting the bottom one the teeniest bit. She closed her eyes as she explored his mouth, playing with her tongue against his teeth. As soon as he figured out what she was doing, he met her tongue with his own. She paused, opening her eyes, to see a man below her utterly at her mercy, his own eyes closed, and for a moment his face totally at peace. She kissed him the deepest yet, and upon stopping, whispered into his ear,

“THAT is how you kiss a woman.”

Then she closed the bond connection from her side.

************

Rey was unsure if the sweater she now held in her hands was the one he was wearing that day, but she chose to believe it was. She felt its coarseness, as the memory of that particular bond crossed her mind. She laughed to herself thinking of the mess she had left him in, but it gave her valuable information. Kylo Ren could be seduced easily, and would do things upon her command. She once considered that to be valuable information, and had been right, and wrong, about its impact. For all the heat and tension that bond with Kylo brought, the kiss with Ben had been better. Kylo Ren did not know how to kiss a woman. Ben Solo knew how to KISS a woman. Kylo Ren could be ordered around and easily seduced. No amount of seduction and ordering would change Ben Solo’s mind. Rey looked at the sweater again as her fingers found the hole she had given him, and then healed him from. Kylo Ren died in that moment, she felt it in the Force, the son was coming home, and she healed Ben Solo back to life. How she longed to be able to touch him and to sleep with him just once.

A thought interrupted her daydreaming she had not yet considered, and honestly was now angry at herself for not doing it sooner. Rey placed the balled up sweater in her lap, and quickly packed up the other items into the box. She shoved the box under the table for the night, blew out all the candles save one, and brought the candle and sweater back into her bedroom. Setting the candle on her side table, she pulled off her wraps and stripped down to her undergarments. She sighed and slowly pulled the sweater over her head. When it settled onto her body, the warm light lit up inside her again, and she knew he was with her again. She pulled up the sleeves so her hands poked out and hugged herself, rubbing her crossed arms, as her eyes welled up with tears. But there was joy with the sadness this time. Sadness that he was not here for her and she for him, but joy that this time she felt him easier, and with less effort by both of them. It came upon her more naturally, and it entered her soul easier. The sweater was a part of Ben; she felt it. Even if he could never spend a night with her ever again, a part of him could, and she would forever treasure this article of clothing because of the reminder that at least a part of him would never leave her. Rey crawled into bed, tucking herself in, and allowing his scent to overwhelm her once more. It would not last long in the shirt she knew, but for tonight, she could close her eyes, and believe that even for a moment, he was laying beside her, his arms wrapped around her. As she was drifting off to sleep, she almost heard his voice speak to her, saying,

“Goodnight sweetheart, sleep well.”

The truth was, she HAD heard Ben’s voice that night, but because of her drowsiness it felt like a dream. However, it was more reality than she realized. Ben was getting stronger by the day, and unknown to her, she was helping him do exactly what he needed to do to come back to her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why couldn’t you save her?” Rey interrupted. Anakin smiled. There was something about this young girl that reminded him of Padme, and while he could not place it, there was something in her eyes, that shone through the Dark to him. Something familiar, something he could not place, but continued to enjoy. It was a gift from the Force, and he appreciated it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I have been working on this chapter and the next for a while to get them where i'm comfortable with them, but I still don't feel that great about them. But i'm also tired of working on them and want to move on. PLEASE if something does not make sense to you, or something needs clarifying, let me know and I'll see if it needs some editing. These are some heavy "sciency" chapters, but they are setting up a good bit of the rest of the first part of this story, so they are important. I asked on Twitter and the large majority of people wanted it in two chapters, so here you go!
> 
> Please share the story if you like it, and as always, i appreciate every single sub, bookmark and kudos. They help motivate me to keep going. :)
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!

“You know those sweaters are awfully comfortable. Best in the galaxy, so I hear.”

Rey screamed and practically jumped out of her skin, at awakening to the sight of Anakin sitting on the end of her bed this early in the morning.

“Don’t worry, it’s just me.” His excuse did not help her heart stop beating out of her chest.

“WHAT are you doing here? I didn’t call you! The suns are barely up!” She motioned to the window on the far wall, sighed and fell back onto her pillow, thankful for the sheet covering her bottom half from her almost grandfather –in-law’s view. The thought was equal part hilarious and horrifying to her. “You practically scared me to death! Sheesh Master, stop doing that!”

“It is literally the first time I’ve done anything remotely like this.” He smirked at her with a raised eyebrow.

“All the same, it’s NOT NICE!” Rey rubbed both her eyes with her hands, trying to clear them up for the morning.

“The fashion industry of Naboo always had the best weave patterns to create exceptional comfort. I was shocked on my first visit how ornate and delicate the clothing was, but also how strong and durable it could be. The people are like their clothing in many ways . . .” Anakin looked down at his folded hands resting in his lap as an expression of clouded sadness crossed his face. He engaged with it but a moment, before sweetly smiling and glancing at Rey, “I’d recognize that sweater design anywhere.”

“Naboo?” Rey asked, filled with curiosity. She knew of the planet only from studying the star map and some galactic politics the last few years. She had no idea that Anakin was connected to it for unknown reasons. 

“Oh, it’s nothing. Not important for you to know at present. ” He dismissed her with a wave of his hand. She grew even farther annoyed with him.

“You realize that’s not the first time I’ve been told that, right?” Rey sat up, hugging her sweatered arms around her sheet covered knees and raised an eyebrow in his direction.

“You were trained by the Jedi as I was, you should know they feel it is appropriate to hold back information from their padawans.” Anakin admitted, still showing hurt behind his eyes.

“You know my Jedi training has not been standard. My masters keep dying. . . . and you are following in their footsteps by hiding things from me.” Rey glanced up at him to find him already staring her down, lowered both her gaze and voice as she recalled, “Ben even trained me. I got most of my saber skills from him. My fighting style is his. With our bond, he gave me all he knew. He was more a teacher than any of my masters….” 

Anakin swallowed before responding to her moment of sadness, “And he was the best example Rey. Yes, he followed in my footsteps to his detriment. But he also would have taught you balance over time.”

“I’m not sure learning from a Dark force user would have been the best idea . . . given my family. And a dark force user. . .” Rey rested her chin on her bent knees, balling up her body in anxiety. “Well, you guys have a tendency for not exactly following the rules, now did you? What kind of good example is that to set for a young Jedi?”

“Do you ever stop questioning things?” Anakin teased her, knowing FULL well she would not stop, and honestly was proud of her tenacity; it would get her through.

“I’m a Light force user, a Jedi, who has darkness inbreed into my soul that I am actively trying to get rid of and failing at miserably.” She paused and flexed her right hand, first stretching out her fingers, then clenching them into a fist, deep in thought. “I had lighting come out of my hand and thought I killed someone . . . I’m dangerous and uncontrolled, and I need to improve. Quell the darkness. Get rid of it. Fight it, keep it at bay . . . . I can’t turn into Rey Palpatine. I am choosing to be Rey Skywalker, and that is my future, to carry on their legacy.

“Do you need to Rey?” He was stoic as he asked. It shocked her to her core.

“Need to do what?” She asked for clarification. That small smile appeared on his face as he reached out to touch her forearm. She could not feel his touch, she never could feel the force ghosts, but the gesture touched her none the less.

“Get rid of the dark.”

Her eyes widened at his answer. “ _How could he suggest such a thing? Wasn’t that the point of training? To eliminate the darkness in your soul?”_ Anakin took his arm away from hers, maintaining his gaze on her, giving her time to process.

“You look confused.” He observed. She was stubborn, and he knew that she would not accept her darkness before she was ready, but she needed to be nudged in that direction.

His ability to read her feelings, and seemingly her thoughts as well, eerily reminded her of Ben again. Even without the Force Bond, it felt that Ben could read her mind and emotions before she could. Both Ben AND Kylo had a talent of drawing emotion out of her and helped her uncover things about herself long hidden. He was her constant shadow, a truth about herself hiding, waiting to be discovered at the right time and for the right reason. He knew the darkest parts of her soul, and helped her bring them to the surface. The truth about her parents being nobodies, what had happened in her childhood, how hard it had been to be alone, her day dreams, . . . . he even haunted her nightmares she now realized. Those nightmares would have to be ruminated on another day, lest she break even more.

“The darkness took him from me, it can’t bring him back. The darkness has stolen everything I ever wanted, from me. A family, belonging . . . Ben. Only the Light can possibly have the answers for how to connect so I can speak to him again.”

Anakin recoiled at her admission out of shock, ignoring most everything she had just said. One word stood out to him, and required clarification. “Rey? What does that mean, “again”? Have you seen him?” Anakin looked shocked at her, not fully understanding what she was talking about. “I know you have been seeking to connect with the Force, but…..this is an odd thing to say.”

“No, I have not seen him, or spoken to him since he died. It’s just that occasionally, this odd sensation fills my body and soul. It’s comforting. . . Safe. Peaceful.” She paused, unsure if she should give away all her thoughts, but decided she was now trapped, and best be open with him. He’d find out some way eventually. “I think its Ben . . . I feel him.” Rey admitted, afraid of what his reaction would be. He sat silent on the end of her bed, staring off into empty space again. Not in generations did Anakin consider that she was actually feeling his grandson, and his soul ached at the possible implications. Rey regressed to doing things on her own, refusing to seek out help when she needed it the most. He turned to look at her again.

“What do you mean? Feel him? How?” He leaned forward toward her, studying her face. Rey watched his eyes search her face for meaning. His lips pouting like Ben’s. She had to say something to distract him so she would not totally lose it at the memory.

“He’s warm. I can feel his emotions at times. Have for a few weeks now.” She launched into a detailed explanation of her experience on the Falcon, when she first ignited her saber, and the feeling of relief that filled her last night when she put the sweater on. She found herself telling him she suspected she housed a part of his soul and how she needed to get it back to him, somehow, “. . . so he can finally be one with the Force. So he can go home.” Tears came to her eyes as her brain switched from recounting logic to identifying emotion. She looked away from Anakin, burying her face in the crook of her sleeved arm.

“Rey. . . . his home is not with us in the Force. It’s with you. It’s always been with you.” She could not will herself to look at him. So many emotions were building up inside, as she tried to push the hope away. Hope was ever trying to creep back into her soul, but she refused to allow it to take hold. Not yet.

“He can’t come back.” She finally squeaked out, barely loud enough to hear. Anakin looked at her.

“Why don’t you put on some pants, and come join me outside?” His teasing her was annoying, but also lifted her spirits ever so slightly. She still glared at him though. “There is a story I think you need to hear.”

**********

Rey heard BB8 rolling around the kitchen already, humming happily to himself. She decided to sneak out the back door to avoid a full blown conversation with him at this point in time. She sensed an importance in Anakin’s words. They carried weight, and she felt on the cusp of desperately needed and helpful information. As she glanced around her room, she elected to pass on the body wraps today, and instead pulled on some pants and a short sleeved shirt that could use a wash and repair, when she felt the energy inspire her. She wrapped her arms, and put the buns in her hair. _“Why do you still do this? They aren’t coming back for you.”_ She placed Ben’s shirt back in the box discretely avoiding BB8’s gaze and slid it under the bed. She’d wear it again tonight. She was able to sneak out the house without BB8’s detection, quietly closing the back door behind her and walking around to the front. She almost ran totally through Anakin’s ghost as he leaned against the outside wall. He grinned.

“Your mind is elsewhere today, young padawan.”

“Well, it’s not like my mind has had a break lately. The last few weeks have been nothing short of confusing and exhausting. No mind to the previous year.”

“Lost love hurts in many ways.” With a nod of his head indicating he follow her, they strode away from the hut and rising suns, the morning light casting long shadows in front of them as they moved over the sandy surface. They strode side by side for a few moments before he broke the thick silence between them. “You say that you can feel my grandson in you, and yet you doubt he can be reached, why is that?”

“He faded from my eyes. Isn’t that how all Jedi die? Being taken by the Force?” Rey continued to avoid eye contact, instead glancing at her booted feet as they sunk into the sand with every step. She thought of her home on Jakku and wondered if her belongings were still there. If her home was still hers.

“Yes and no. Rey, I do not totally understand what happened with Ben. He disappeared as a Jedi does; this is true. But he did not come to us in the Force as he should have. I have limited knowledge, but I can tell you what I know.”

“More than what is in the Texts?” Rey asked, genuinely curious. Anakin laughed as he clasped his hands behind his back.

“Rey, the Texts do not contain every piece of information you need. There is nothing in those texts that you do not already know. All they can do now, is help you connect the dots.” Rey looked hopefully in his direction, wondering if his cryptic statement was about to open up some great truth and understanding of what was going on. “I do not have the answers to many of those points, but I may be able to offer some.” He stopped walking, and Rey followed his lead. He looked at her with compassion, “What do you want to do?”

Rey considered his point carefully. She wanted Ben back, but knew that was impossible. So the best thing she could hope for, “I want to see him again. I want to reach him, to return the part of his soul that is with me back to him, so he can go to his mother. Reconcile with Luke . . . meet you.” She sheepishly looked up at him, ashamed for thinking of him last in her list.

“Rey, I do not believe that is possible, because I believe his soul is keeping you alive. If that is the case, you return the piece of soul and he would indeed become one with the Force, but you would lose your life.” The weight of his suspicion hit Rey harder that she had anticipated, but it made logical sense. She was still processing this realization, when he started walking again and continued with his lecture. “There are two sides of the Force, Rey.”

“Yes, master, the Dark and the Light….”

“No, that is the way one chooses to use the Force. The Light side and the Dark side user are using the same Force. The difference is in how they implement the practical application. This is the key to maintaining balance and what the Jedi Order refused to teach.”

Rey interrupted, “The Jedi Order you questioned and rebelled against.”

“I’m not sure I would use the word _rebel_ , but questioned most certainly.” He sideways glanced at her before continuing. “Yes, it’s true they repressed all usage of the Dark side, but that side has its usefulness, and if used in balance with the Light, can be incredibly powerful. The strength and the power of the Dark combined with the unconditional compassion and kindness of the Light, would make a balanced Force user one of the most powerful Jedi’s to exist.”

“The Prime Jedi……” Rey’s voice trailed off lost in thought. Anakin did not acknowledge her verbal processing.

“This brings me to the first lesson of the day. Sit here.” Anakin motioned to a pile of rocks in the desert. She did not realize they approached them, and was sure she had never seen them before, but she sat, and he sat next to her. “My son taught you several lessons. Tell me, what were they?”

Rey had to think a bit harder than she expected she would need to, but after a pause, was able to state as she counted on her fingers, “The first one is that the Jedi do not own the Force. The power of the Light can be wielded by anyone . . . and anyone can fall to the Dark. The second is that the Legacy of the Jedi is failure and hypocrisy. They allowed evil to rise, and the Order did . . .” she glanced at Anakin, afraid of what she wanted to say.

“Go ahead Rey, its truth.”

She swallowed, “The Order did nothing to stop it. They did not stop Palpatine . . . or Vader. And also allowed The Sith, the Empire, the First Order to rise and allowed The Republic and the Jedi Order to fall.” 

“Good. You remember well padawan. What was the last lesson?”

“That confronting fear is the destiny of the Jedi, and fear sometimes means and that you must be willing to save what you love…..” Rey’s words faded as her eyes became watery and her throat refused to work properly, filled up with emotion. Anakin reached over and touched her knee, waiting to see what she needed from him. She silently let tears stream down her downturned face, away from his gaze. There were a few sobs, as more tears came. She wanted to run, to leave, to find seclusion elsewhere, but she knew this would be contradictory to her goals, and that sitting here with the emotion was the way forward.

“I failed as a Jedi, Master. . . . I could not save him. Yes, I confronted fear. But I could not save him.”

“But you still can. I believe that,” he assured her. His confidence piqued her interest and she raised her head, wiping away on stray tear on her chin.

“He’s dead. There is no saving in that. That is the definition of failure.”

“First Rey, you have not failed as a Jedi. Let me show you. Tell me, what are the trials a Jedi must pass? You know this, you’ve read it. Tell me.”

Rey looked at him annoyed, before recounting the trials from memory. “The Trial of Skill involves demonstration of practical lightsaber fighting techniques in multiple styles, usage of the Force in battle, and any number of physical challenges aligned with those outcomes. The Trial of Courage: involves a completion of a mission, or a test of fortitude. The Trial of the Flesh: the padawan will overcome a great physical pain, hardship, or loss . . .often . . . involves bloodshed.” Rey’s gasps matched the tears streaming anew from her eyes. Anakin could see the realization on her face as she mentally sorted though the trials and thought about her and Ben, and how based on those descriptions, both of them successfully passed every trial. After a few minutes, Rey was able to continue speaking; the tears still came, but they were more controlled.

Taking a deep breath, she continued, “The Trial of the Spirit: involves a deep look into themselves, often the Dark Side of their soul. It is also called “Facing the Mirror.” The Trial of Insight: helps a padawan see the reality of what is right in front of them, to see though the lies, to see a person’s true intentions, and often requires solving a puzzle of some kind, or revealing a truth about themselves.” Rey stopped the recollection, and her thoughts immediately went back to what happened on Exegol and the implications of what her and Ben had been though. 

Before Anakin could ask for her thoughts, she jumped up from her rock, hugging herself and walked a few paces away, her back to him. He tried to read her thoughts, but she was blocking them so she could freely process her emotions. She was close to understanding a part of the solution, and it was important to provide her the space to get there on her own efforts. It was the only way it would mean something to her. Slowly, her crying slowed, her shaking stopped. He saw her arms fall down to her sides, and her shoulders square. Her head raised slightly as her body posture took on a new strength and power. But not an all consuming power, a power coming from within herself, bestowing upon her the strength she needed in this moment. 

Rey reached out her hand and called her saber to her through the Force, and in a half an instinct, the saber appeared in her hand suddenly, and she ignited both golden blades. She glanced down to her hand, and with lit saber turned around to face her Master.

“Ben and I both are fully fledged Jedi. We both passed our final trials on Exegol . . . didn’t we?” She paused for confirmation, but when Anakin did not confirm, continued, “I passed the Trial of Insight, he passed the Trial of the Spirit. He did not die AS a Jedi. He died a Jedi. He is one with the Force, isn’t he Master?” she asked more forcefully, demanding a response. Anakin saw a new light in her eyes. No longer was she the grieving padawan, unsure in her skills or worthiness of character. The woman who stood in front of him was a Jedi. Not because she just now passed the trials, but because she now realized she passed them. Her power was now hers, not his, not her grandfather’s, not anyone’s. She was fully aware of herself, the low self-confidence starting to melt away. He did not know what was coming for her, but he knew this process would only benefit her for the trials upcoming.

“Yes, Rey, you both are. . . . and for the Force’s sake, call me Anakin now. You no longer need a Master, you haven’t needed one for a while, you just thought you did. You are The Last Jedi and have been for a while.” Rey’s expression softened as she listened to him affirm her hard work. “You may do with that title what you will, it is now yours to act on, or not, as you so choose.” Rey deactivated her saber and clipped it to her belt, walking over with a new purpose and sat back down, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees, and her fists under her chin. One leg started to shake as her body she anticipated what he would say and her thoughts grew overwhelming. 

“Now, for the second lesson this morning.”

Rey smirked at him, “I thought I didn’t have to listen to a Master anymore?”

Anakin shrugged, “You do not have to, but no Jedi is ever done learning Rey, remember that.” Rey smiled brightly at him as he laughed softly before continuing. “There is one unifying Force, that much is very true. It has no Light or Dark, it just is. However, it takes on two forms as it interacts with your plane of existence. These are called the Cosmic Force, and the Life Force.” He noticed Rey’s leg stopped bouncing up and down as she attuned to his information.

“The Cosmic Force is what everyone traditionally thinks of, it holds the universe together, it connects everything. It combines and unifies the universe from one end to the other. It governs life in every aspect we can think of. This is where the souls of the departed go when they become one with the Force….”

“So did Ben join the Cosmic Force then? Is that where he is?”Rey interrupted out of excitement.

“No, not yet Rey hold on.” Anakin held up his hand again. “This is what I’ve said, he is not with us, he is not a part of the Cosmic Force, we haven’t seen his ghost.”

“Which makes no logical sense because if he was a Jedi, died a Jedi, his body disappeared like he joined the Force, and yet he is no where to be found.” Rey reasoned, though not very successfully.

“Exactly.” Anakin pointed at her and leaned in, as he was getting closer to his point. “This is where the Life Force comes in. The Life Force . . . .”

“Gives life to the body.” Rey’s eyes grew large as she broke eye contact and searched the horizon for understanding as her brain flew into mental processing overdrive. “It is the Living Force, the Force that gives energy to the world. And when you die . . . .” She glanced back at Anakin for help.

“Your Life Force returns to, and becomes one with the Cosmic Force.” Rey clapped her hands once and stood up and started pacing left and right as some parts of the puzzle fell back into place.

“So, if this is the case, when Ben brought me back, he GAVE me parts of his Life Force. I taught him how to do that!” She pointed at Anakin and covered her mouth with her hand in glee, laughing behind it. “When I healed him I gave him a bit of my Life Force! He then returned the favor, but why did he not stay alive after bringing me back?” Rey tapped on her mouth in thought as she continued to pace in front of their rock pile. “Palpatine, I know, stole some of our Life Force, he said our Dyad was life giving and wanted to take all of our lives for himself….he was STEALING OUR LIFE FORCE! So Ben and I were literally living off of half our Force from that moment on…….and when Ben brought me back.. .” Rey stopped pacing, and covered her mouth again with her hand in horror. She glanced at Anakin, “he gave me the rest of his Life Force so I could breathe again……he didn’t HEAL me, he RAISED me!”

The silence of the early morning awakening stabbed Rey in the chest as the weight of Ben’s sacrifice flew in her face. The thing she had been hoping for might actually be possible. “So, hold on, let me think.” Rey kneeled down in the sand and with her finger drew out a diagram. Anakin stood and walked behind her to see what she was doing. She drew three circles, each representing her, Ben, and Palpatine. She pointed to them, and drew lines as she spoke. “Palpatine took part of each of our life Force—let’s say he took half of each—so Ben and I were living with a half life. It would be impossible to go on living that way for very long. Then I was able to destroy him,” she glanced up at Anakin for guidance. He just grinned. “You’re not very helpful you know?” she ridiculed him. “And when I did, I released HIS Life Force, which now contained the half of Ben and mine he now held, back into the Cosmic Force, then when Ben . . . . when he . . . . he gave me his half of Life Force, so I could have a full life.”

Rey broke down again, for what seemed like the millionth time this morning; the reality of Ben’s sacrifice hitting her even harder. “He’s caught between the Cosmic Force and the Life Force in me, isn’t he?” Her wet eyes looked up at Anakin who remained standing above her.

“That is what it sounds like. . . . you are holding half of his soul, which is preventing him from the reunion. I believe it is possible for people to get trapped between the two sides of the Force, requiring their souls to be rescued from the torment of being split for eternity in an Underword experience. Ben appears to be in such a situation, but I feel he would still choose that and want you to keep his soul, to live a full life. He would not want you to give it up for a ghost.”

Rey considered this for a moment, knowing he was right, but unwilling to give up easily. “I feel like he has the ability to get stronger, and is unsatisfied in his current state. I need to talk to him if I can.” Rey took a breath as her thoughts paused, and turned deadly. “Maybe that means attempting communication, but if that won’t work, why can’t I go and join him now?” Her eyes pleaded for relief.

“Rey, please don’t think that way. That is not the answer. Your death is not the answer. . . . Let me tell you the story I promised you, maybe that will help.” Rey nodded and sat down in a lotus position on the sand, Anakin sat back down on the rock, and waited for Rey to get comfortable before starting. He started to wring his hands, leaning forward on his knees deep in thought, as he gazed at the horizon over and behind Rey’s head. He knew he had her full attention.

“Love is a strange thing. It is unconditional, it is compassion, it is sacrifice. It can create the most joyful experiences, and it can destroy us at our core. We fight for it, we live for it . . . we die for it.” He glanced over at Rey, who while remembering Ben, was holding it together, a new determination in her gaze. “I turned to the Dark to try and protect Padme. I sought the power the Dark could bring me, over the woman I loved and it cost me everything. It was what started me down the path to become Vader.”

“I was never told that the progression was long for you.” Rey admitted, though slightly angered with thoughts of once again being in the shadow of needed information.

“It was lifelong, now that I look back.” He confirmed.

“Like Ben possibly….” Rey’s voice trailed off in thought. Anakin glanced at her, knowing that she lacked critical information about his grandson’s history.

“There is more to Ben’s story . . . but he is very different than I was.” Rey’s eyes shadowed over, searching his face for clarity. “But his story is his to tell in his own time, Rey. I won’t tell it for him.” She nodded in understanding and acknowledgement. “It was a lifelong fall, one that took years to fully achieve. But in those years before Vader took complete control, I looked for her. I searched for her. I needed her to come back to me. And I thought I found a way.”

Rey shifted in her seat, sitting straighter.

“It doesn’t involve resurrection, it more accurately involves finding her at the right time. I built eight castles, all attempts to restore her to me, all built over ancient Jedi sites, all of the them failed. Until I built the one on Mustafar, with its rumored connections to the Underworld; a place only whispered about by people who have visited and come back alive. I sought to connect with her there, and was successful. I was able to create a portal to the Afterlife, and after traveling to this strange world, I encountered her ghost.”

Rey’s eyes got wider than he had ever seen before.

“I asked her to come back with me; to come join me in this world. She was not pleased to see me, something I had not anticipated. She told me that Anakin was already dead, and then threw herself off the balcony we were standing on.”

“What effect did this experience have on you?” Rey asked, knowing that experiences like this change you, it’s something you cannot help, it just does.

“I no longer had something to live for as Anakin. She rejected me in the Afterlife, and I threw myself into becoming Darth Vader out of defeat. If I couldn’t have love, I would have power.”

“Why couldn’t you save her?” Rey interrupted. Anakin smiled. There was something about this young girl that reminded him of Padme, and while he could not place it, there was something in her eyes, that shone through the Dark to him. Something familiar, something he could not place, but continued to enjoy. It was a gift from the Force, and he appreciated it.

“She rejected me because all she saw was Vader. I refused to embrace the light of compassion then, and would not until I was able to show compassion to Luke; an action that would ultimately save me. I have been waiting since then to atone for my mistakes, so she can come back to the Anakin she knows, and not the Vader that destroyed her.”

Rey sat for an unknown amount of time, processing what he just described to her. Padme had been fully dead, and yet somehow he found her, or her ghost, or some form of her being. It both thrilled and terrified her. _“What if he rejects me? What if his rejection leads me to fully fall into my bloodline and become the next . . .”_

“Rey stop.” Anakin interrupted her thoughts. She forgot to block him from accessing her mind, but he only had to read the fear in her face to see her questions. “You won’t become the next Vader, or the next Palpatine, you are compassionate by nature, that is what you default to. Your parents made choices to protect you, not the greatest choices mind you, but they chose to do things to save you. They were GOOD people, and you carry their blood as much as your grandfather’s. Do not let your family dictate what you do and who you become.”

“ I fear his rejection. Ben cared for me like Padme did for you, and she rejected you.”

“She rejected Vader. You are still Rey. Ben will accept Rey . . . I know he will.” He paused to watch her thoughts calm down as logic again took control. “It was then, after that failed attempt that I discovered and located the Wayfinder.” Rey’s head jerked up in full attention. Anakin leaned in closer to her so their faces were mere inches from each other as he whispered, “the very one you currently possess.” He drew his face away, sitting straight, before continuing. Rey sat silent across from him. “After that failed attempt, I researched everything I could find about the Underworld, and discovered something called a Sith Wayfinder that led to an outpost. An outpost that Sith lore recalled having some kind of passageway back to the Underworld. Another way to find her.”

“But how do you know she CAN be found?” Rey asked, wishing he could hurry up with his story, but also curious as to what he knew.

“She was Force sensitive. She could not wield it, she was not, nor could ever become a Jedi, but she could feel its presence in her life. Her soul is not in the Force, it cannot be found anywhere.” Anakin considered telling Rey what he suspected about Padme’s soul, but he knew now was not the time. The reality of it was, he sensed Padme in Rey. The day Rey had been born, Anakin felt Padme’s soul awaken in his own. Rey carried a part of Padme’s soul in her, she was living the completion of the story Padme could not, and the Force had placed a part of her soul into Rey from day one, just like it had bound Rey and Ben to each other. But this information would be too much for Rey to carry at this time, so he held this until she was ready to accept it. Right now, her focus was on Ben, and was right where it needed to be.

“Exactly like Ben.” Rey stood up and again faced away from him, slightly swaying side to side in thought as she rubbed her hands together and played with the baby hairs on her head sticking out due to the increasing heat of the day and the fading morning wind. She turned to him again, “Do you fear she is caught in the Underworld still?”

“I do.” He answered. “I used the Wayfinder to get to Exegol, but it was empty, no one was there, it was a place that held nothing for me. The Sith Temple was abandoned, not a soul within parsecs. She was not there, so I left, defeated again. I housed the Wayfinder in a hidden vault, until my grandson found it, and used it to get to Palpatine.”

Rey took a deep breath in. Anakin indeed had pieces of a puzzle, but little answers. The one thing that they both shared is that their lovers were dead, and died under mysterious circumstances, and evidence pointed toward them not being totally gone. Her mind was racing with information, _“The underworld? The wayfinder? What did Exegol mean to the Sith and why did they create wayfinders to get somewhere hidden? And why only two of them?_


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The kyber only responds to life.” She whispered to the Force. This normally would have been a cause for her to cry in the past, but Rey could only now smile. All the evidence pointed to Ben being alive, trapped in the Underworld, his soul split between possibly multiple planes. He felt lost to her, unsure of himself, begging for rescue. “Which means,” Rey verbally concluded, “That he cannot come out himself, and needs someone to get him out.” She still had much work to do, but with the confidence she now carried, and the guidance she had received, it seemed possible. She had once only hoped to reach him, and still wanted to just return his soul to him, but hope was starting to kindle inside her, like a flame newly lit, and while its unsure if it will take, the smallest breath helps it grow into a blaze."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much like the last chapter, I hope this is somewhat easy to understand, and comprehend, I promise the story will pick up from here! Please do let me know if something confuses you or needs clarification, I want you guys to enjoy this story as much as I am in writing it! I have LOTS of plans for the future and may be posting a scene or two from closer to the end of the book as a Valentine's Day treat ;) I need to put some time into some other writing projects, but I will get to this as soon as I can, which is partly why i've added two chapters today, gives you something to enjoy in the mean time.
> 
> Feel free to reach out to me on here or on twitter! I post moodboards there for the chapters, and for this one decided to change it up for a bit. Head over if you wanna see it!

“Than what am I supposed to do Anakin? I’m all alone, I have his Life Force, his literal SOUL dwelling in me, keeping me alive . . . . yet I’m still alone, still isolating, and never satisfied. The Force wants me to live like this? The POINT of the dyad was so I live alone for the rest of my life on a some desert planet with nothing but a droid and YOU to keep me company?” Rey paused to gain her breath again, Anakin patiently waiting. She softened her tone before continuing, “I have his soul and I am NOT satisfied with that. Not at all. I don’t even have a part of him with me to comfort my grief! He’s still gone. If what you assume is true, he’s trapped somewhere, and I need to find him somehow? But how do I get to this Underworld Planet? How do I even begin to contact him? How do I know his soul is even present in me and I’m not imagining a connection where there is none? How is our bond still “active” and I can feel him, if he is dead?” Her doubt was talking hold of her again, and fast. Anakin pointed at her saber.

“I think that might hold some answers for you.” Rey glanced down at the hilt clasped to her belt, and unclipped it. She struggled with his meaning. “That and the prophesied Dyad you two share. Something that has not happened in recorded memory, there is much we do not know about it, and I think there is more to discover.” Rey stared at the saber in her hand; meticulously crafted with the salvaged parts of her staff, wrapped with scraps of her own clothing and leather as a reminder of what Ben meant to her, a constant reminder of the one person who understood and loved her even with the darkness in her soul. A reminder that without his guidance, help, and support, she would not be the Jedi, or the woman, she was today, or the pain she had overcome.

“I’m sorry, but I do not catch your meaning.” Rey’s continued confusion at his possible hidden intent was aggravating. “If you know something, I’d appreciate you sharing. Leaving me in the dark over here is NOT helpful.”

“Rey, if I knew the answers, I promise I would tell you. I only suggest it, because I suspect there are greater mysteries that we do not understand at present. I know when I was looking for Padme, I discovered things a piece at a time, and right now, you have very little pieces to go on.” It was true, and Rey knew it. She possessed limited things; she had the few items in the box under her bed, the Jedi texts, and her saber. The previous two years were was spent pouring over the Texts more times than she cared to admit, digging for any piece of helpful information for her training. The items in her box offered limited insight with how clouded her emotions were twisting her thoughts. Her body’s deterioration added to the complication, making the thoughts she did have, harder and harder to process and problem solve. She continually struggled to find more information, which was also emotionally draining, and the lack of solutions brought only discouragement. Feeling Ben was the first glimmer of hope she had felt since his death, but there was no guarantee in how long he would fuel her efforts.

“I do believe we are still connected somehow. Our bond is still “active” even if he is not here. I can feel him in the same way I could when he was alive, so there is at least a PART of him still out in the Universe in existence.” She glanced back at Anakin, who sat with one hand under his chin, deep in thought. He quickly stood up, and addressed her; she could almost see his brain processing information at light speed.

“Have you always been joined by the Force, or was it something you discovered?”

“I suspect it has always been there, but awakened in me when your saber called to me, and then created when he connected with me. Ever since then, the Force has kept us from killing each other unless we are working together….on Starkiller it separated us by driving cavern between us, just as I was ready to kill him. In Snoke’s throne room, while we originally cooperated, when we fought over the saber, it separated us again. On Exegol it came to us when we worked together. Ben came to me, he showed me I was not alone, and the Force allowed it.” Rey took a pause as Anakin looked at her with a silent question on his face, as the realization hit her. “The Force has been driving us together all along, the Force WANTS us to be together. The Force created the Dyad.”

“A prophesied dyad in the Force.” Anakin quoted from memory.

“Bonded.” Rey pointed her finger at him in confirmation of understanding.

“Unified.” Anakin took a step toward her in excitement.

“Souls joined in the Force.” Rey glanced at her saber and activated it. It was yellow, she had originally thought this meant she was destined to be a Sentinal, but now…..her thoughts went to Ben’s red saber for some possible answers. She knew that the kyber takes on the color to match the Jedi that uses it. Her’s made sense as yellow from a logical point, but if she shared a soul with Ben….

“Anakin! What color was Ben’s saber?” She took an excited step toward him, his face grew contemplative, searching her face for what he was sure was a trick question.

“Red?”

“It was Red-Yellow! His soul’s color is YELLOW!”

“But Rey, his saber was originally blue, like mine, like Luke’s, like his mother’s. How can you say his is yellow? I don’t doubt you . . . ” he reached over and grabbed her shoulders with his two hands, making intense eye contact; searching her thoughts for clarity, “I do not want to see you hurt again.” Rey deactivated her saber and held up the hilt between the two of them almost at eye level.

“I FEEL in my heart and soul that this is more than just my chosen color. Maybe it is and I’m crazy with grief, but maybe I’m not! Maybe the Blue is his soul,” she paused and smiled brightly, leaning closer to him, “but what if the Yellow is the color of his heart? I always feel him right here.” She put her hand up in a salute position on her chest, covering the place she felt him the most. Suddenly, her saber started to vibrate in her left hand. She thought back to the last time it happened when she entered the Falcon for the first time, thus helping her start to grieve. The ship, once providing Ben a home, was technically now his as much as hers. She looked up to Anakin, and quickly said, “I need to go, I need to figure this out!” She turned and ran away from him, back to the place she thought she could connect with Ben the easiest. The place she ALSO considered her home, even though she had been avoiding it. She stopped quickly at her hut to grab the Jedi texts in one armful, and headed back home. BB8 chirped his frustrations about her eggs getting cold . . . ignoring his attention, she pretended not to hear him.

The Falcon loomed large in front of her, and she knew something would happen there, as the saber vibrated fiercer on her waist; she knew she was on the right track.

***********

Reaching the Falcon was the easy part, but with an arm full of books, pushing the activation button with her elbow to lower the entrance ramp, proved quite the challenge but she managed clumsily by only dropping two books. She felt lighter than air right now with the all too familiar Force pulling her inside, and refused to give up; she had all the time in the world, and wanted to get it right. Arriving into the main hold, she shoved aside the items on the holographic table, and slammed down the books instead. Unclipping her saber, she placed it on the booth, unable to sit due to her excitement. She found the book that contained the information on kybers and sat down on the floor with it resting in her lap. Deep in thought, and lost in the hundreds of notes left by Jedi before her, she turned to the pages marked ages ago when she was learning how to heal her own crystal. Starting to bite her nails in anxiety, it was impossible to stay silent, so she spoke out loud to herself.

“Ok so if his soul is naturally a blue color, and his heart a yellow,” she licked her thumb to make turning pages easier as her left arm rested on her knee, holding up her head, “then why does his blade shine red? Why did he get a new kyber?” She flipped another page. “And what does this mean for me, and my yellow saber? If I have his sacred heart in me, and the crystal is reading his heart as mine . . . . as two that are one . . .?” She paused in thought, at yet more evidence the Force drew them to each other, “Did the crystal read his heart instead of mine?” Rey felt the most comfort in a blue saber for herself, it connected her to the legacy she was trying to continue, yet still failing at. A tinge of guilt mixed with excitement crossed her emotions when her saber turned yellow that day, but since then, disappointment took over.

“But now….” She mumbled, glancing at the saber hilt. “I need to know more about our connection.” She knew what she had to try. Putting the books away, she glanced around the room, looking for a safe place to meditate that might mean something to him. A quick consideration of the bed was pushed away; she was not ready for that. But the cockpit . . . she had not sat in those seats since she arrived on this planet, and was nervous about approaching it again because of her dark vision, but maybe, just maybe, the Force would gift her with another one. She picked up her saber, and sat in the co-pilot seat. It seemed wrong to sit in what should have been Ben’s seat. She settled down, her scavenger eyes glancing around the room and seeing more things to fix, but she pulled her mind back toward grounding herself in the moment, she had work to do. She first placed the saber on the control panel in front of her at eye level and then shuffled her aching knees and hips into a modified lotus position, which would grant her the most comfort in that upright chair. She closed her eyes, attempting to reach out to both Ben and the Force. 

She sat like this for hours, trying to connect and failing every time. Her emotions grew adjusted and restless, and her dark side kept wanting to rise in her out of anger, but she pushed it aside every time. _“Not today, not ever.”_ She knew that she was smart and practical, and knew a plethora of information, but she also realized she needed help. Asking for help was something she struggled to do, even asking BB8 for assistance at times felt like failure, but she was desperate enough in this moment to seek it out. There WAS more she was missing, and whether it was lack of trying or inability of her dying body to concentrate, someone in the Force needed to help her for progress to happen. “Someone, please.” After a few passing moments, the female voice returned,

“What do you know about the dyad Rey? What can you tell me about it?” The voice was distant, but she could swear this time it was audible, and not merely in her thoughts, but she was not about to waste time figuring out the details. She thought hard, and started to verbally list out what she knew, in much the same way she recalled the information Anakin requested, but her thoughts soon wandered away from the Force,

“The dyad is life giving, and has connected Ben and I in the Force for practically our whole lives, only awakening when we bonded. In the Force, everything is unified, you are the same as every person, animal, plant. The Force is always with you, and connecting you, so the dyad is a manifestation of the Force, specifically between two people. The bond is a connection of souls, the soul is manifested in the color and usage of the kyber crystals. The kyber’s are called living, and they respond only to life.”

Immediately upon speaking her thoughts, she heard a saber activating in the room. Fearfully and with a shocked jolt, she opened her eyes expecting to see an intruder with saber raised, ready to strike her down. Instead what her eyes met was more wonderful and confirmation of her roaming thoughts. Her saber was lit, but this time with a red-yellow glow. Two cross guard streams bursting forth from either side of the bottom of the blade. She rubbed her eyes, checking to make sure this was actually a vision, but found she was totally in control of her body. She repeated to herself, “The kyber responds only to life…..” she glanced behind her hoping to see Ben, but he was no were to be found, so she verbally asked,

“Ben? Is that you?”

Her saber immediately shifted back into the single stream of yellow that was hers and always had been, with the only logical conclusion tipping on the edge of her thoughts; he was attempting to communicate with her. In much the same way she passed the saber to him though the bond, he had somehow learned to reach back though the bond to change the appearance her saber, and activate it, even if only momentarily. As she watched the saber gleam in front of her, her heart literally skipped a beat, and then another one. She grasped her hand to her chest, trying to catch a breath because of her irregularly pounding heart, and reached for her saber with the other hand. Upon touching it, her heart calmed down and returned to its normal rhythm, her breathing deepened and slowed. It was his heart. They were connected in more ways than one, and in her saber’s crystal, sat the heart of her lover, forever protecting her, forever coming to her rescue. He came for her once on Exegol, and every time she lit the saber, he was coming to her again.

“The kyber only responds to life.” She whispered to the Force. This normally would have been a cause for her to cry in the past, but Rey could only now smile. All the evidence pointed to Ben being alive, trapped in the Underworld, his soul split between possibly multiple planes. He felt lost to her, unsure of himself, begging for rescue. “Which means,” Rey verbally concluded, “That he cannot come out himself, and needs someone to get him out.” She still had much work to do, but with the confidence she now carried, and the guidance she had received, it seemed possible. She had once only hoped to reach him, and still wanted to just return his soul to him, but hope was starting to kindle inside her, like a flame newly lit, and while its unsure if it will take, the smallest breath helps it grow into a blaze. The only thing still bothering her was the confusion surrounding the red saber if his heart and soul were yellow and blue. Red was the color of all dark side users, including her own dark side’s double bladed hilt, and she needed to figure out why. Grabbing her saber, she turned it off and headed back to her books on the table. More research was needed.

***********

“Beep boop brm?”

“Ok, BB8, one more time, pay attention, I’m not going over this again. Stop me to ask questions if you need me to.” Rey turned around from drying dinner dishes to make eye contact with the confused droid. Honestly, explaining it to him multiple times helped solidify a plan of action in her mind, she was just unsure if she was ready.

“I learned Force healing by studying a variety of Jedi texts and Leia’s training. When I fixed Anakin’s saber, it was a MODIFIED version of Force healing, though not for a living soul. Meditating with the crystal allowed me to heal inanimate objects in similar fashion as alive ones. Meaning I could bridge healing from things like the snake, and Ben . . . . Well, this healed the kyber and removed the evil it contained from its time under the control of Anakin Skywalker. When I healed it, I purified it, removing its connection, so it could willingly become mine. I healed the soul in the kyber crystal. Clear so far?”

“WHEEERE!” BB8 explained his excitement and understanding. He shook a little in glee at finally understanding at least that part.

“Now. Ben’s saber was a red-yellow color. It was fully red, but has a yellow hint. This again lead me to the Texts, where earlier today I stumbled on a part I had never read before,” Rey paused in thought, “or maybe I just never realized what it was saying.”

“Booreum….”

“Anyway, the texts discussed the “dark method” of bleeding a crystal . . . but did not provide any clear instructions on how it’s done . . . ,” BB8 leaned to the side in confusion, “I’m not sure bud, I think it involves using the Dark side to twist the crystal to your will, to force it to be aligned to the dark side somehow. This makes me think, that the Yellow in Kylo’s saber, was the part of his heart he could not bleed out of the kyber. His heart was still in the crystal.” Rey kneeled down to look BB8 in the eye. “The yellow in my saber matches the yellow in his, and because I can feel him,” she reached her hand over to BB8’s rounded body, imitating touching the droids non-existent heart to drive the point home to him, “in here, I carry his heart, and the kyber is reading that, and burning yellow in response. His sacred heart, that refused to be bled out of his kyber, is protecting me to this day. He came to protect me in Exegol, and has refused to stop since.”

“Meeernnnnnn.” BB8 emoted in sympathy at the shadow that crossed her face, though it was quickly replaced with hope again.

“It gives me strength, his heart being with me confirms he is out there. He protects me, and is begging me to come rescue him.”

“Whee moom boop?”

“Yes, I do think I have the strength to go find him. Sooner rather than later.” Rey stood back up and picked up her plate to put it away. “I know very little about the Dyad, but I know that Kylo said we are “two that are one”, and Palpatine said that the dyad was “life giving . . .”

“WHEEEUREM!”

“NOT THAT KIND OF LIFE GIVING!” Rey glared at the droid’s innuendo, ignoring her own questions about the definition of that exact phrase and how it applied to them. “ANYWAY . . . this makes me wonder if we also share a soul, and if a single soul has been split between us.” BB8 recoiled in shock. “The only logical conclusion I can come to at this point, is that the Force has connected our souls, creating the Dyad, and wants us to be together. That somehow, when he passed his Life Force into me, his heart came with it. We are bound, and cannot be separated. Therefore, at least a part of his soul, is out in the universe, wanting to connect with me, yearning for my touch. I have to find a way to return what I have of him.”

“Beep boom?” The still slightly confused droid asked, hiding his frustration at not fully understanding. His question seemed to distract her as she looked off and stared at the wall with the hashmarks. In reality, Rey was hearing something in the wind. She closed the cabinet door and slowly walked out the front door. The sun was starting to set, and on the wind she could hear the female voice from the Force, but this time it was different. It was softer, it was more personal, it was somehow closer to her. It started as just a whisper, but it slowly formulated into words.

“Rey, the Force is a twisted ribbon, lining the perimeter of all reality. It connects every living being to their own existence, and for some of us, it connects with a red ribbon of fate. Some will understand, most will not. When you find the person on the other end of your ribbon in the Force, it will not break easily.”

Rey dared not speak until the voice paused, out of fear she would drive it away. She thought she saw the form of a woman start to take shape in the dust of the sand the wind kicked up in front of her, but the mirage disappeared before her eyes fully adjusted to the possibility of the sight. When she felt confident to, she asked, “Is Ben my fate?”

“You are a dyad in the Force, unseen for generations.”

“I know that, but it does not answer my question.” Rey was annoyed at the fact that the FORCE was talking to her and was still as vague as the Jedi.

“He is waiting for you.”

Rey for a split second doubted what she thought she heard, but he Force had just confirmed for her that Ben was alive, and could not come to her. She had to go rescue him. Where? When? How? She knew she could no longer wait around to find him here, to connect with him. Something deep inside her was driving her toward him, and she needed to figure out where to start. She needed to talk to Anakin to find out what happened on Exegol. She needed to know things that happened beyond her perception of events. SOMETHING strange occurred with his death, and she needed to figure out what. The Force drove them toward each other, praised their union, and was now calling her to connect with him again, and possibly . . . she dared not think of what finding him would mean, and pushed hope back in her mind, if she needed it one day it would be there, but for now, she needed to pack and clean the Falcon. BB8 and her needed to plan a trip. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come find me sweetheart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience loves! This chapter kicked my ass, as it went though multiple rewrites to finally get to a place I like. I'm not totally sold on it, but its at a place that works, and gets the points across that I wanted to. This was also inspired by the myth present in the Frozen 2 songs "Into the Unknown" and "Show Yourself" as both felt VERY Rey and Ben to me. I should have another chapter following shortly, but like this one, it needs a little work before publishing. 
> 
> Thank you for those who read, leave kudos, and comment. They mean the world to me and encourage me to keep going with this. Love you guys!

Planning that trip was proving more difficult than Rey anticipated, and BB8 offered very little practical help. It did not improve her outlook to have very little direction in where to go, or even what to do to get there. She continued to wait for direction from someone. The Force, the Togruna ghost, Anakin, that mysterious female voice . . . Ben. ANYONE that could help her she was prepared to hear from, and yet none came, even when she called to them. They appeared to her a grand total of once, when Palpatine needed to be destroyed. They refused to even appear when Ben needed healing . . . . the stress of worry and impatience was waning on her, driving her to feel more exhausted than before. Every day was a slow downhill fall, something she was unable to stop.

However, she WAS sleeping better these days and she suspected the sweater contributed greatly to that fact. His scent refused to leave it, providing her a calming sensation at night to allow for more restorative rest. While the quality of her sleep was improving, she still struggled with extreme restlessness throughout the night, often waking right in the middle of it, when the stars were at their brightest, and the world was silent. No dreams ever woke her, she always woke gently, as if a bed mate turned over and bumped her awake. Many nights upon waking, when sleep would not immediately return to her, she would sit on a bench gazing out her bedroom window, smelling his sweater and talking to the stars. She told him about her childhood, the little things she could remember about her parents, how angry she still was at them for selling her for drinking money, and wondering why they didn’t drop her off with some roving Mandalorian instead. It was during these sad moments when her eyes would drift to the marks on her wall—constant reminders of how many days had passed since she lost Ben—but also how many nights had passed without constant sleep. Occasionally, if she was not tired after talking to Ben for a while, she would walk around the house in the cool for a bit, get a drink of water which pretty much would cure any momentary troubles, and she could crawl back into bed and fall right back asleep. On this particular night, her normal tossing and turning kept her restless, somewhere in between awake and asleep, trapped in between the two worlds of her consciousness, her body and brain unable to choose one or the other, constantly torn between waking and sleeping . . .

“REY, RISE!”

The yell was all too real. Her eyes and body jerked up and awake in the same instant to a seated position of panic before she became very calm and quiet, looking around her room shrouded in darkness, just at the break of dawn. There was no mistaking it, this time she audibly HEARD Ben’s voice. He needed her awake for some unknown reason. Pushing the sheets and blanket off her bare legs, she left his sweater on, and pulled on pants she salvaged from the Falcon earlier. They oddly fit her tiny body, but were clearly cut for the male figure. She leaned over the bed, putting on her boots, tucking the pants into them in case she needed to go somewhere. Taking a deep sigh to try and calm her thoughts and emotions, she tried to reach him by verbally speaking back,

“Ben, what’s going on? What do you need?” She paused, listening for any indication of his continued presence, even a whisper would do. She dug her hands into the edge of the stiff mattress she sat on to try and calm her ever triggered anxiety. Prior to this morning, she only felt him inside her, filling her with warmth and safety. Even with the igniting of the saber, he was always hidden away, but this time he felt different. His presence filled the room; how she knew it was him was unclear, but it was, there was no mistaking it. He swirled around her, filling every crevice of the room with emotion, he was both inside her, in the air, in the essence of her being. His words echoed loud in her ears, something different than before, something real, something she felt she could reach out and touch.

“You enjoying keeping me awake these days, huh?” she laughed at her teasing, only half serious at her assumption that he was disrupting her sleep, hoping he could hear her even if he could not respond. The spirit in the room shifted to an audible laugh, one that was deep, mature. Her stomach dropped at the realization that it was an echo of _his_ laughter. She quickly stood up, spreading her hands out as if to steady herself, rotating in a circle trying to find where the laugher was coming from, but it filled the room. She widely smiled, “Is that why I haven’t been able to sleep well since you left? You keep trying to reach me through sleep?” She waited again, and while she heard nothing definitive, the glee in her heart told her he was enjoying their moment of connection, however it was happening. Almost as suddenly as it came, she felt his feeling in the room suddenly leave her behind. She wished that even if he could not come back to her in body, could this moment continue forever? Truthfully, she wanted him physically with her in that bed she now stared at, as she allowed disappointment to creep back into her soul. He must have felt her change in mood, because his essence returned, scolding her for her lack of hope. She wondered if all this time spent waiting for something to change was really worth it, if he could come and go as he pleased, but she was stuck here eternally waiting for someone to come for her . . . again. Could she just deny what was happening, and block out his call to her? Would her life be better that way? These doubts caused hurt to rise and block out the joy she experienced only a moment ago. Was this the only way they would ever be able to connect? Would him speaking to her even work, or was her wishful and emotional brain making it up?

“Maybe I did dream it then . . . . but would that be so bad?” Questions filled her head as she considered how crazy she sounded, standing in her darkened room, fully clothed, dressed to leave, but instead stood motionless, waiting for a ghost to come and . . . . do exactly what? Talk to her? Touch her? Fuck her? She grinned as she glanced at her hands, thinking of how insane it seemed for her to be standing here waiting for something to happen, for someone to come and help her figure out how to reach him. Was she really waiting though, or was she indecisive? Waiting for who exactly? Why was she scared to leave? Who besides Ben would even come for her? No one except the Ghost Jedi’s had, and they left as soon as her grandfather was dead. They only came when their enemy needed defeating, and used her as a weapon in their own private war . . . . It was honestly tiring to continually wait for other’s to act, but she felt too weak or prepared enough to do anything about it, which terrified her. She knew she was a Jedi, but she still doubted her abilities. Glancing over, her eyes were drawn to the open window. She walked over and pulled back the dust trap to look outside as she often did. It was a starry morning, as the smallest sliver of light began to creep along lighting the horizon. The clouds looked a little off, but nothing that concerning to her veteran desert dwelling mind.

She longed to hear him as she intently gazed at the sky’s nighttime sparkling beauty, her chin resting on one fist as she bent over into the windowsill. The questioning ache in her heart started to subside suddenly, and while his presence had not returned, she felt the tingling of their bond opening . . . somehow, some way. Quickly after sensing their bond open, she felt the all too familiar sensation of a second breath joining her in the void as the sounds of the outside world faded away, and all grew silent. She glanced back into the room, but he was not there, glancing outside again it grew stronger. She reached to him emotionally and sensed that he was exactly like her; incredibly lonely unless they were together. Wherever he was, he was desperate to connect with her, and she reiterated her need to leave Tatooine as soon as realistic. He felt locked behind a door that neither of them could open, she felt trapped but resolved to go and find him. Between the two of them, she knew she was the one that could leave and have the best chance of opening the door from her side at the very least, whatever that meant.

She felt his breath increasingly grow stronger in the room, flooding her ears at the absence of ambient noise thanks to the bond. While the breath of her dead lover assaulted her ears, outside the window her eyes found another anomaly in the lightening morning sky. Stars began moving as if an invisible hand was playing a galactic holochess match with their stationary habits and positions. They started rotating around each other—paring up, shifting, moving, parting, coming together in an intricate dance—her soul told her it was _him_. She stared in wordless awe at their patterns, wondering exactly HOW he was doing something totally beyond her level of understanding of the cosmos. In the midst of the spectacle, his mood shifted, and she sensed he wanted her to do SOMETHING. She leaned out the widow, with her hands gripping on the edge, trying to get closer to him somehow without leaving the protection of her home. Was she scared? Unsure? There were so many emotions swirling in her soul, she could not possibly label them.

“What do you want from me Ben? Help me . . . . TELL ME!” Tears sprung to her eyes as she pleaded with him to speak to her in more than whispered suggestions through dreams. The emptiness in her soul was almost too painful to touch. He was so close and yet she was continually blocked from seeing him. How she LONGED for their bond to open completely, so she could finally see some form of him. She would not even need to touch him, the sight alone of him standing before her would be enough. His brown eyes would silent her endless questions. Though her tears, she looked to the horizon, and thought she saw a dust storm forming as her soul started to stir, growing and churning to match its intensity. She felt the Force calling to her from the midst of the storm, in the same way Ben called to her, the crystals called to her, the saber called to her . . . this was not a mere naturally occurring tempest, and she knew she needed to go toward it, to find it, to let it overtake her. She felt insane, but stars had moved before her very eyes only moments prior, so how different could a dust storm really be? Her confirmation came soon enough, as an extremely clear pull in her heart lead her to pay attention to the bond, when she heard his voice speak to her audibly . . . awake . . . alive.

“Come find me sweetheart.”

In a rush of emotion and very little logic, Rey burst out of her room, running though the house, not even bothering to shut the door behind her. She appreciated that boots carried her over sand as effectively as they did, because there was no way she was going to let them slow her down or hold her back. Her loose hair flew out behind her, but it was the least of her concerns. The storm continued to form in front of her, faster and stronger than she had ever seen one develop before, and she knew this was somehow connected to Ben—the Force was creating this somehow. Their bond continued to open wider by the passing minute, as open as it had ever been.

“Are you out there Ben?” All sounds around her were silent, with the exceptions being the billowing storm in her ears as her legs carried her as fast as possible across the sand, and the pounding of two heartbeats in her body.

“Can you feel me?” His breath was now drowned out by the storm, but their hearts were beating together, unified in her, but yearning for reunification with each other. Toward the storm; toward the morning light she ran, no longer feeling exhausted, she felt alive for the first time since beginning her exile. Only now could she admit to herself that she was choosing to remain here for her grief, but a stirring in her soul told her she would be leaving soon.

“Can you please show me how to find you? I’ll go!” Unhindered breathing filled her lungs as her fresh legs carried her toward the storm. She felt Ben through the bond pulling her toward the danger in front of her, but she had faced danger before, and she would gladly face it again for him. Unsure of what she would discover, running toward the unknown was more satisfying than staying behind in her own doubts.

As she approached the edge of the swelling storm, she felt their connection growing stronger as his energy increased exponentially faster in hers the closer she got to him. If confronting this storm would allow her to return his soul, so be it. She realized this could mean hear own death, but she felt she would die without him anyway; it would be a worthy sacrifice, one that he made for her, and she desired to return to him. Over the months she understood why he revived her, because living without him was the hardest thing she had ever done, and she cared not do it any longer; he must have felt the same. If death was the way to reunite, she was willing to walk the path to the Underworld to find him. It was no longer her priority to bring him back to her. Confronting this storm forced her to admit she needed HIM, however the Force willed that to happen. Life, death, or somewhere in between, they could make a life of it, of that she was confident.

Rey slowed her run into a jog, and then stopped as the wind was transforming the storm into something more menacing. She stared it down, spreading her arms out to her sides to steady herself against the approaching power. Her eyes widened as it became apparent this was a waterless thunderstorm. The clouds above her started to rotate counter clockwise as a clash of purple lightning and the rage of thunder shocked her senses, striking extremely close to where she stood. She jerked her head around to find the source of the storm, but by now its power was entrapping her in its midst. The first clue of her sealed fate came with the wind picking up, fueling the cloud rotations far above her head, the wind whipping her hair around her face. Despite the sound of the raging storm filling her ears, the silence in the bond was deafening. She could sense his heartbeat, but no other attempts at connection were coming from his side of the door. Clinching her fists in anger, she yelled out to Ben, a mixture of hatred for his abandonment of her, and hope at seeing him again filling her voice, 

“I CAN HEAR YOU CALLING ME BEN! You’ve been trying to keep me awake for weeks, and for what? I beg you . . . please come back. I can feel your strength growing! DON’T HIDE FROM ME ANYMORE.” Fear rose in her heart as she realized that over the last year her mind’s eye was slowly starting to forget the details of his face. She could remember the broad strokes of course, but the exact placement of his dimples, the number of moles, the particular sharpness of his jaw line were disappearing . . . she was forgetting details, and it pained her to realize that if she did not find him soon, she would lose him forever.

With her stressed pleas, the wind grew and matched her emotion as it haphazardly whipped around her, picking up grains of sand at her feet and carrying them far above her head, joining the storm in the atmosphere. The sand-filled-wind slowly shifted to swirl around her like a tornado, continually gaining strength and speed, but far from dangerous. There was a surprising calm about it, as if something was caring for her in the process of creating this monster. “You came back for me twice already, COME BACK FOR ME ONCE MORE!” The sand flying around her grew thicker, to the point it started to blur her sight line of the horizon and the storm. She suddenly felt a portion of sand brush her cheek as if a hand was caressing her face. It thrilled her . . . was _he_ in the storm somehow? She reached to feel her cheek, but the sensation of a hand was gone by the time she got there. She had addressed the storm out of frustration before, but could it be real? Could he have found a way to touch her across the stars from wherever he existed?

Sand whipped in and out of her hair as the sound of the storm filled the quiet void normally present in their bond. Worry crept into her soul, because if this was the moment she had been waiting for to see him again, why was the storm drowning out what little hints at his presence she felt? Was there some secret she was not party to? Was it her destiny from birth to bring the last Skywalker back to life? Could their dyad be the answer after all? She had no answers for any of this, but the one thing she knew is that Ben was _her_ answer, and she needed to know if being together was the way forward, if the dyad did indeed hold the answers she sought. She sought answers from dead Jedi’s of the past when she thought they could help her, and they had at the time. It only made logical sense to her that _he_ could as well. With more volume than anger, she shouted to whoever could hear her though the storm, “SHOW YOURSELF BEN! YOU ARE THE ANSWER IVE BEEN WAITNG FOR. YOU ARE THE BELONGING I HAVE SAUGHT. BE WITH ME!”

The sand tornado around her continued to build in fervor, as she began to feel as if time started to actually stand still. She saw the storm merge with the swirling sand, creating a thunderstorm fueled swirling inferno. Before she could use the Force to change anything of her circumstances, she was drawn up inside the twisting and writhing storm, her feet leaving the safety of the ground. She was not scared or concerned; there was an unexpected gentleness in its power, something felt comfortable to her drained soul. Feeling oddly at ease, she allowed the power of the storm to surround her, as she allowed it to enter her it brought a sense of peace about the future. She was unclear if the storm or the Force was drawing her up inside, as it suspended her higher yet in the midst of the twirling tempest. She chose surrender in the face of what was happening, letting the storm direct as it willed. Hearing another thunder crack, she drew her face up above her as lightning showered over her, never coming close to touching her, but always there, always present. She felt a tingling sensation in her fingers, and glancing down to her surprise, saw small shocks of blue electricity bouncing between her fingers; remnants of her dark side genetically in her forever. She felt subverting it would prevent her from turning; the galaxy did not need another Palpatine in its midst, and she was sure her friends would reject her if they knew. But now, the darkness was leaking out of her. She lived in constant fear of losing control of her dark side, and the only answer she found, was to ignore it. The urge to try and control the storm intensified, but she resisted, there was something about the power of the lighting surging thorough her body that thrilled her for its completely untainted power. Power only the dark side provided her, but it felt different this time, it felt pure, unadulterated.

Rey closed her eyes as the energy of the storm surged into her body and soul, a feeling of connection filled her and for an instant she felt in perfect balance, but something drew her attention causing her to open her eyes, for she had caught a whiff of the ocean. The salt filled her nose, its purity was calming, welcoming. Glancing around her, she only saw the raging storm, the lighting above her head, the sand playing with her hair and clothes. But she smelled the combination of clean water vapor and minerals mixing in the air around her, and an instant later, felt soft mist from waves fall on her face. A sensation she thought she left behind forever on Ahch-To. HOW this was happening occupied her thoughts, as she attempted to reason the logistics, as what she was experiencing was not possible. HOW could she be sensing the ocean on a desert planet? It made no sense to her.

Suddenly, with the flash of a streak of lighting, it made all the sense in the world as the bond fully opened. Before her eyes, as she sat suspended in the middle of the storm, on the other side of the bond door appeared Ben Solo. He stood on the cliffs of Ahch-To, dressed in the pure white robes of a Jedi apprentice, yet retained the black as night cape of Kylo Ren. The wind of the island thrust his cape around his statuesque physique that would have caused Rey’s knees to become weak if she had been standing on solid ground, instead of suspended in the air. His back was turned toward her, causing her to call out to him, “BEN, turn around, look at me! Show yourself . . . please!” She paused, as tears filled her eyes , and begged for him to look at her. She longed to see his face, to make sure he was okay, to know that her lover was alive, and was no longer trapped in the Dark . . . “Step into the Light Ben, be with me. You offered to teach me the ways of the Force once, I’m now ready for you. I’ve been waiting for you to come back.” She continued to beg to his silent presence that still refused to look her way, fearing he was merely a vision, and not actually a man in front of her. It shook her to her core to consider the Force playing yet another trick on her, when every other bond had been far from delusional. “BE WITH ME, please, don’t make me wait for you any longer! I’m not sure I could take it…..” her voice cracked, unable to go on, despite the longing in her heart.

She resigned herself to keep begging him to join her as long as it took, as long as the bond was open, as long as there was hope. She reached out a hand, tapping into every corner of the Force she could to try and reach him, begging him to take her hand, hoping she might be able to pull him back through the bond. He refused to turn around, and instead spoke to her as he faced the ocean before him, his clothes drenched and dripping with the spray,

“You are the one you’ve been waiting for Rey, not me.” She was confused at his words, they were so formal, so foreign to her ears, his voice was sad. “Come by darling, you are found, you know what you have to do to rescue me. You can’t rely on anyone else to do it for you.” His own voice cracked at this point, as she saw his jaw stiffen to stifle his own welling emotion. “Please, I beg you, rescue me.” He paused, ever so slightly turning his head toward her with a smirk on the corner of his mouth. “What do you feel right now, Rey?”

She searched her feelings, trying to connect with the hidden part of her soul to find what he was hinting at. She felt calm, she felt at peace . . . . “Balance,” she called out to him. His smirk turned into a full grin erupting on his face.

“Step into that, Rey, grow yourself. Continually seek that balance you feel in your soul right now, the Dark and the Light give you all the skills you need. ” He clinched his fist in frustration to prevent him from reaching for her still outstretched hand, refusing to take it. “Without that balance, I won’t ever be able to come back to you. SHOW YOURSELF WHO YOU TRULY ARE REY!”

She was confused by his words, and what they meant, but he still refused to make eye contact with her, and it was tearing her apart. “Ben, you’re breaking my heart! Look at me! What do you mean? HOW does a Jedi find that balance when the Dark side corrupts!” She searched her thoughts, who she was, and the reality of what he was asking of her almost caused her to break their bond. “THE DARK SIDE? You need me to embrace it? It’s evil, the Dark side destroyed a galaxy!” With her refute, he reached his hand back toward her and finally thrust his head around with a steely glare in her direction. She gasped at the face that met her.

His face was healed of all pain and hurt, no longer sunken from exhaustion, smiling, not showing an ounce of his troubled past. What shocked her the most was the clear indication of the passage of time in his body, something she did not expect of a vision. His hair was longer, now fully touching his shoulders and more. It somehow looked fuller, wavier than before as it blew in the breeze around his masculine features. _“Has it always been that wavy?”_ She tried to remember what it looked like before, but with nearly a year and more passing since she last saw him, she could not be sure. How she longed to run her fingers through that thick hair, to caress his head and neck, to feel his breath on her face for the second time in her life. All of his facial hair had grown in, covering his upper lip, and fuller around his mouth and chin, growing more sporadic the closer to his neck it got, but it was there. This was not a vision before her, it was the flesh and bone of a man who disappeared before her and was existing somewhere, his soul and body connected in a way she did not understand. His gaze on her was a combination of concern and fear, his outstretched hand stood as a warning for her to not come any closer, or to try and reach him, and she did not want to obey his command, but felt he knew more than her and she would be wise to comply.

“The Dark Side is still the Force Rey! It flows though everyone, everything. There is no right and wrong side of the Force, it is how the user CHOOSES to wield it. It doesn’t belong to the Jedi or Sith.” Rey felt the tingling in her hands again, and he must have sensed it too, because he glanced down at her hand, and then back up to her face. “See? That’s your own darkness calling to you, asking you to touch it, to acknowledge it, to approach it. Your dark side is not to be hidden, but to be understood, and embraced.” With his words, the impossible happened as he moved his hand away from her and directed it toward the storm above them. With no warning, red lighting shot out of his hand and met the storm in a frontal attack. No changes in the storm were visible other than Rey’s fear of Ben’s allegiance. Her greatest fear was him falling back into the darkness where she could no longer reach him. “

“BEN NO, STOP!”

Without consideration of her own safety, Rey reached out to the storm, calling upon some deeply hidden power she had not drawn on since accidently exposing it. That was fueled by possession and fear, but this time was different. This time her goal was connection; this time she was fighting to save Ben, and allowed dark side energy to pass though her body to the storm. In a crash of suspended energy, blue lighting shot out of her outstretched hand, but instead of grounding itself on clouds above her, it found the arch of Ben’s red lighting and struck it with a power so strong it caused her whole body to shutter. Instantly, with a thunder crack the moment their streaks met, the red and blue of their individual streaks transformed into a brilliant purple. But the Force gave her very little time to comprehend what was occurring. She glanced up into the sky searching for his face once more after the flash of purple left her eyes, but he was gone.

The next thing Rey remembered, was waking up kneeling on all fours on the desert sand, turning her gaze skyward she stared into a fading storm above her. She sat back on her heels as she inspected her still tingling hands, and found the sparks of energy in them were now the same purple as the storm. The same purple as Ben’s transformed lightning. The color change could not be mistaken, she now carried a part of his energy in her, and he carried a part of her with him. As she sat in shock at what transpired, she felt an invisible hand brush her cheek, much as the sand did previously, and his whisper came to her, as a vision long forgotten once did the same,

“I’ll come back for you sweetheart. As I always have, as I always will. Please do the same.”

With his words, the storm was gone, the bond closed, and Rey was left kneeling on the early morning Tatooine sand. As she took several deep breaths, she felt the presence of dozens of individuals behind her, and before turning around knew it was the Ghost Jedi’s. Her anger rose in her as Ben’s words about embracing her Dark Side echoed in her ears. She was unsure what this meant, but she refused to retreat now. Her anger continued to rise as all her doubts of their “assistance” on Exegol suddenly awakened in her soul. They could have helped her on Exegol, they could have fed into Ben to keep him with her. Now she alone had to go to him. The Jedi were no help to her, Ben was the only person that even tried, and he was the only person she trusted currently. She could not rely on them to show her the way, she must figure it out herself. The anger inside her felt righteous, it felt cleansing, it felt justified. . . .it felt _spiritual_. She slowly stood with her back turned to them and called her saber to her. It took a second, but when it hit her hand, she ignited it and turned around with it raised, pointed in the direction of the gathered crowd,

“Why did you leave me once my usefulness to you was over? You made me a WEAPON to USE! Ben Solo was the only one to come save me! EXPLAIN YOURSELVES!” 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She felt the course sheets in between her fingers, and her mind’s eye was drawn to the impact of returning the Falcon to the home it had once been. The weight of her actions laid heavy on her heart, as she knew the Falcon would never again function as the home it could be. She looked around the living area in which she stood, wondering what stories it held, what pain it managed, and the numerous people it saved."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I promised a second chapter shortly on the heels of the last one and I finished it sooner than I expected! This one is shorter because I delayed a MAJOR scene for later in the story. Don't worry, Rey WILL have her conversation with the Jedi, but it will happen from another person's perspective. I'm glad to say this feels like a great place to pause the story as I plot out the details of the next part incoming! I hope you enjoy the double update, and I hope the ending isn't too tortuous for you! Thank you ALL for your comments, they make my day!

BB8 awoke to metal clanging on metal somewhere. He rolled outside, a bit slowly due to his electrical system struggling to start up to full capacity, to see the Falcon idling the place it stood. The suns had risen hours ago, making him upset that Rey did not wake him up earlier. Judging from the sounds coming from the broken down machine, he suspected Rey was up to something, and decided to offer any assistance he could. Sure, it was part of his programming to be helpful, but he also had a soft spot for this woman. Well, not as much as Poe, or the man who built him, but she was a solid third place in his opinion. He rolled over the sand, swaying happily, only briefly slowing down to pop up onto the ramp, and eventually found Rey inside, mired in a hallway control panel with wires sticking out every which way. She looked up at him, grease covering her face and arms, but her smile left nothing to the imagination.

“Compressor and motivator are all fixed up, brand new, got her running now to work out kinks for long distance travel, configured a compartment on the control panel to hold and connect the Wayfinder to the navigator for when we might need that, not sure yet on that one, in the process of fixing electrical issues . . .” She buried her head back into the control panel before continuing her one sided discussion, albeit muffled. “Han really needed to tune up this thing and Poe did NOT help, but luckily the power core was easily fixed and the compressor still makes a funny whizzing sound, but I’ll attend to that later, for now it’s working fine . . .” Rey chatted on as she stood up and disappeared around the corner. BB8 hurriedly rolled after her trying to list everything she was rattling off to him in case she needed to double check if things were completed as needed.

“Luckally, Banku down at the junk yard this morning had a lot of the parts I needed, though he didn’t appreciate being woken up that early, I guess he didn’t want to make money? But that would be crazy because he ALWAYS wants money and sheesh, I have enough here from what Poe sent me a few months back, so as soon as we get all these things fixed, we can start cleaning thing up, though I kinda like the rustic look the dirt gives it, we need CLEAN rustic on this thing I think, that solid white it used to be glares too much, and having it look run down makes it look homey, gosh I wonder what Ben would say if he could see it now in this condition….”

“BEEP BOOP MURRP!” BB8 yelled in his highest pitch to make her stop talking for one tiny second, so he could catch up.

“No, I think that’s all.” Rey responded. BB8 would have glared at her if he had the capacity to do so; she missed his sarcasm. Granted, very little looked changed in the Falcon that the orange and white droid saw, but the ship under him FELT like it was running smoother, which would only bring about good things he reasoned. He surmised Rey probably spent most of her time working on the mechanics of the ship before he woke, and from the sounds of it, already repaired many of the problems.

“Reeep urn?”

“No, of course I haven’t slept. I had to get this done while my energy was still here. Ben keeps calling to me though the Force, so I need to prep the Falcon for the journey. So, no sleep.” BB8 looked at her with disappointment. “I know what you’re thinking, and I’ll be fine. Once I get going on this thing and can get her cleaned up a bit, and we’ll be on our way.

“Boop?”

“The Resistance. I’ll need supplies from their resources for the trip, who knows how long we’ll be gone. It’s tragic irony, but I’m hoping they have dehydrated portions they won’t be using, that I can easily bring aboard and live off of long term. Some extra parts won’t hurt either. The First Order is still out there, and if they see this ship return to their radar, I’m not sure what they’ll do . . .” Rey paused for the first time since the droid arrived on board in thought. “BB8 can you fire a blaster, because this really needs a co-pilot and I can’t ask Chewie to come with me on this mission. . . . I have to do it myself.”

BB8 apologized that he did not know if he could effectively fire blasters in the case of an emergency, but he was more than willing to give it a try! “No, I appreciate that buddy, but you’re not programmed to do that, it would be cruel for me to ask you to try. I’ll figure it out.”

The entirety of the day was spent working on the Falcon, Rey moving from one thing to another that needed fixing, BB8 gleefully helping her in whatever capacity he was able. Welding was his personal favorite. By the time the suns dipped below the horizon, Rey stood in the door way of the cockpit, going through BB8’s check list to make sure everything was completed to satisfactory levels. With the two of them working, they made quick progress on the entirety of the ship, even cleaning most of the living spaces. As BB8 finished repairing one tiny issue on the control panel, Rey carried the recently dried sheets and pillows she washed earlier that day, back to the bed. She paused, looking at the mattress she was about to cover up. It was replaced with a hard wooden surface so it could function as a table or storage space when the Falcon was in possession of the Resistance. But today, Rey stripped it of all the wood. Taking the dimensions into consideration, she found a tarp that BB8 stitched together so they could fill it with sand for the time being until she could come up with better fodder for stuffing. She was used to sand, so it would work for now.

She felt the course sheets in between her fingers, and her mind’s eye was drawn to the impact of returning the Falcon to the home it had once been. The weight of her actions laid heavy on her heart, as she knew the Falcon would never again function as the home it could be. She looked around the living area in which she stood, wondering what stories it held, what pain it managed, and the numerous people it saved. She clutched the sheets even tighter as things before her transformed their purpose too….did that massive drawer that locked once pulled out completely, once hold a napping infant Ben? Did he run these halls, playing with his dad’s dice as he pestered his parents? Did Chewie play with him on these floors, and give him his first official flying lesson to the chagrin of Leia and enjoyment of Han? Ben had to learn to fly from someone, somewhere, didn’t he? Did one of the now transformed storage rooms serve as the kitchen, where Leia cooked meals for her smuggler of a husband and moody toddler? Was that refresher once the place childhood Ben fake shaved to mimic his dad’s morning habit? Did R2 teach Ben to play hide and seek to avoid doing his chores after dinner?

Rey’s eyes welled with tears, thinking of a family she never met, and how she was the lone survivor living in their home; it was in part horrifying to consider. Her heart ached for that kind of life, but it seemed so far away, so distant to her now, like it was a dream. How her body ached for that kind of love and compassion. She turned back to the bed, and pushed away thoughts of spending time on it, wrapped in Ben’s arms, as she mentally tried to calculate how he could fit on it—it looked so small now, too small to hold two people, even as tiny as she was in comparison to him. Nevertheless, through her tears, she put the sheets on the sandy mattress and the pillows at the head, tucking them in under the heavier blanket BB8 dragged to her. Turning around, she surveyed her work for a final time that night. She wanted this to work. She had no idea where Ben was, but she knew she had to go rescue him from wherever he was. He was calling to her, begging her to come find him and she had to go. Even if it would cost them a life in this world, maybe they could have one in the next.

Rey walked to the cockpit and turned off the Falcon for the night, the ship quivered comfortably as one-by-one the systems shut down. As she left the living quarters, she quietly glanced around the room once more and as she flicked off the lights, hearing the distant laughter of a child.

********

The morning of departure dawned bright and clear, quite a contrast from the previous day’s traumatic storm, which Rey was still convinced happened in the Force and not in the physical world. She woke BB8 up before dawn, and both started packing last minute provisions and supplies. Rey packed all the clothes in her possession. She packed up all Ben’s things and stored them in a locked container and hid the key. No one need accidently discover things she wanted to keep hidden for now. She wore her work jumpsuit for comfort instead of beauty, as today was a day of action, not sentiment. She left BB8 in the Falcon and walked back into her home for what could be the final time. With hands in her pockets, she sat on her bed, a piece of furniture that witnessed both intense joy, and destroying torture.

She was unsure if she would return to Tatooine in the future, and wanted to make sure she brought everything possibly needed in case the best case scenario happened—or the worst. She heard BB8 rummaging in the Falcon with last minute prep, and she began to mentally run down her list, discovering she had far fewer things to do than she thought she did. Excitement rose up from her stomach despite her best efforts to keep it at bay. Ben remained silent to her since their conversation in the storm, and while that slightly concerned her, she brushed it away without too much worry. He would find her again if he needed to. The effort of reaching her though the saber and the storm so close together probably depleted his energy; in a similar fashion to how her own body was falling into all too familiar exhaustion. Their bond was sustaining them in increased ways these days, and while she thanked the gods for that, there was no way to definitively say how long it would last. She hoped the lightning would fuel her longer than it did, but as time dragged on, her energy reserve slowly fell back to previous levels.

He did feel stronger to her, somehow he was gaining strength, but he also now felt tired and drained. In a way she shared that combination, and wondered if they were now always going to feel the other’s emotion, as well as pain. Death would mean the full destruction of the ability to feel each other though he bond, correct? What if the Dyad was the answer to all her questions? What if the Dyad was the key to bringing him back? She knew that his body existed in some plain, his heart was with her, protecting her through her saber, and a part of his soul was in her, keeping her alive at this very moment. They were intricately tied to each other, possibly making death impossible . . . . She felt in her soul the Dyad was the key to bringing him back. The Dyad was unique and willed by the Force, Force created, and LIFE giving, which made death in a Dyad near impractical in her thinking. She needed to find out more about it, and the first place she needed to look were Ben’s old notebooks and research he conducted while having the resources of the Supreme Leader. 

Research still in the possession of the First Order. 

She might need to get Ben by herself, but if she was going to get his things from the First Order, she would need help and she had the perfect spy in mind to help her.

Rey walked out to the Falcon, not looking back at the place she lived for the last year. It was no longer her new home, it was now just a stepping stone on her journey. She walked up the ramp of the Falcon, closing it behind her. BB8 was waiting for her in the cockpit, already bracing himself with ties for take-off. Rey sat in the pilot seat, and with a deep breath, flipped switches to bring the Falcon back to life. The hunk of junk was transformed into a functioning home now, and she was out to get that life back. As the ship took off, she smiled before switching to hyperdrive and called to Ben through their bond, “Are you ready love? I’m coming for you.”

***********

There was a disturbance in the Force not mistaken by either party. She felt it, and looked over to the man sitting in front of her as she stood behind him. He looked tired, impatient, but willing to wait.

“She’s left, hasn’t she?” The woman asked as she placed a hand on his shoulder, looking into his darkened eyes and sullen face. He sat on a bench, looking out over the green terra in front of them, seemingly unaffected by its beauty.

“Yes, but she will have to go back. She’s not yet ready for her journey, as much as she thinks she is.” His tone dropped with worry.

“She will come.” The woman assured him as she reached up to stroke his long, thick hair in compassion. She quickly learned this action calmed him, helped him center his raging emotions and fears. “She won’t stop. She has a kindred spirit, one that is familiar and unstoppable. I know the feeling and if she is anything like me, she will not easily give up.” The man glanced up at her with pleading eyes, searching for answers in her gaze.

“I hope you’re right.” He glanced out again at the scene in front of them, leaning forward onto his knees and wringing his hands. “She’s never given up before; it’s not in her nature.”

“You’re just like him you know…” she stated suddenly, catching him off guard. “You carry his soul in you. I saw it from day one.” She felt his shoulders shrug under her touch, in doubt of her confidence in him.

“Do you think he will come for you?” He asked her with the slightest grin on his face. She looked down with a grin of her own and replied,

“I hope so. And what do we have if not hope?”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He came to see me when I was captured, unmasked. He stood, stoic and silent the entire time he was in the room. I was afraid he would hurt me, or torture me for information. But . . . he just probed for my thoughts. I gave him memories of his life with us. Of how happy he was, of what his parents thought of him. I even gave him information he did not know. How his parents regretted sending him away. Han’s frustration about leaving his son behind and abandoning him. I gave him my sadness at the person he became, and told him he could do better.” Chewie glanced at Rey as a look of amusement crossed his face. “I gave him a memory of you, flying the Falcon with Han, fixing the compressor. The smallest smile crossed Benny’s face, before he turned to leave the room. It was the last time I saw him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings guys! I know it has been a while since i've updated this work, but trust me, it was needed and I have the next part of it mapped out really nicely. Also, this chapter is probably the longest yet, and the next one will be shorter to help compensate for it, but this chapter took me by the hand and made me write more than I intended, but I really like the way it worked out. Thank you to the beta's I gave scenes of this chapter to, and for your feedback. It was IMMEASURABLY helpful! As I have said on Twitter, I have a secret writing project that I need to work on right now, so chapters may be a little slower to upload, but I hope to have the next chapter for this one up in the next week or two. If you liked this fic, let me know, and i you have ideas you would like to see included, let me know!
> 
> The next chapter has a few blue butterflies. ;)
> 
> I hope you enjoy this, and i hope you are staying safe and your families are well. :)

“REY?! HOW’S MY DROID?”

Rey grinned as she approached the Resistance base on the jungle planet of Ajan Kloss and Poe’s voice boomed out of her comm link after she requested landing clearance. 

“AND WHY ARE YOU BACK?” He continued, and she could hear something like relief in his voice. She allowed the smile to slip off her face slightly. He would not be thrilled at her reasons for returning. Breaking the news to him and the others, would be painful for everyone involved, and she needed a few days to figure out the most diplomatic way to go about it. Rey hated causing more disappointment in others over her actions, but it had to happen so that maybe one day, she could return to them. With Ben. With her soul mate.

“REY? IS THAT SERIOUSALLY YOU?” Rose’s voice cracked in glee as Rey heard her yelling from somewhere removed from the mic. That brought the smile back to her face, as she missed Rose deeply, only realizing it in this moment. Tears came to her eyes as she realized how starved she was for human connection. Yet somehow, her longing for Ben grew deeper as her love for her friends grew stronger. Breaking the Falcon through the trees, she spotted a landing area that should work for her ship.

“Heading into you guys, be there in a moment. BB8 is fine Poe, he misses you. . .”

“BEERUPPP!” the droid yelled at the comm, interrupting her sentence from where he tied himself into the side of the Falcon for stability during the flight. Rey might be a good pilot, but as the droid informed her a while ago, her stability needed work.

“ROSE we have so much talking to do! I cannot wait for one of your legendary hugs! And I need so much caf!” Rose’s bright giggle met Rey’s ears, causing her to grin more than she had in a very long time. Ben filled her soul like no one else could, but how she missed her friends, and their sometimes annoying selves. “Am I cleared Poe?”

“Yep, bring that hunk of junk down in, we’ll be out there to meet you!”

“HEY! It’s not such a hunk of junk now! BB8 and I got her all nice and shiny and brand new! Ships deserve a second chance at life too Poe! As long as you don’t catch her on fire again.” Rey wanted to come across as teasing, but felt her tone did not quite match her intent. There was sarcasm dripping out of her words, and Poe was smart enough to pick up on it. Except today he did not. As Rey circled her landing site, he responded,

“Wooh, Rey, easy there, just joshing you, no offence meant.” Rey’s smile disappeared, now she was reminded of why she felt the need to leave the Resistance in the first place. They cared for her, but they did not understand her. Only one person did, and he was not here, but she felt he soon would be. Rey maneuvered the Falcon above its landing space, and with skilled hands, guided her into a rest. Shutting down the systems, her nerves at seeing everyone after such a long time made her hesitant to leave the safety of her air craft, but hearing BB8 detach himself from the wall, and roll to the exit ramp beeping his frustrations at Rey for not following him faster, broke her out of her worry. If for only a moment.

“Coming buddy, hold on a second.” Rey grabbed her one bag of personal items, leaving all of Ben’s things locked in the hidden compartment on the Falcon. She was NOT about to let others find out about them; they were tender memories and needed to be protected. She was still unsure how to approach the topic of recovering his research from the First Order, figuring a plan would come in time. As she walked around toward the ramp, she remembered the Force bond with Ben after the Battle of Crait, wishing he would appear, still at the bottom of the ramp, still looking up at her, longing for her to come to him. Pleading with his eyes for her not to leave. Would he still be alive if she had joined him?

She took a moment’s pause to block the memory of him and the knowledge of her hidden treasures behind a mental wall. She now knew that Finn was Force sensitive. As he discovered more about it, they both realized he was not powerful enough to be a Jedi. But he, like Maz, could feel the Force’s movements, and could sense one’s death. He sensed Rey’s, and she was unsure if he could sense her thoughts, so she planned ahead. She did NOT need someone that was like a brother to her, telling her she was crazy for wanting to go after a dead man. She already felt that way, and did not need someone confirming her fears for her.

She walked down the ramp toward the welcoming crowd and was overwhelmed at the people standing before her, all grinning, and waiting to see her react to their presence. Finn, Poe, Rose, even Jannah was there, Klaud somehow waddled out with the crowd, along with Kaydal who stood next to Chewie. He was the first one to growl his greeting and run up to her, around the crowd from his station at the back. Before she knew what happened, she was covered in a massive crushing hug full of warm fur. She felt his beating heart pounding into her head as he asked how she was doing. He pulled back, looking at her with a combination of sadness and glee. The rest of the crowd gave them a moment to themselves, seeming to understand they needed time. She saw questions in his eyes, and looking into his mind, whispered an answer to satisfy his anxiety. 

“He’s not totally gone Chewie. I’m going to get him back.” She whispered, the words slipping out of her mouth, smoother than she expected. He must have understood the concern and worry on her face, because he nodded his head at her and in his Wookie way, whispered that he would do whatever he could do to help her bring “Benny” back, if it was possible. Chewie previously told her about being a hostage and seeing Kylo Ren, and that he had tried to convince the Supreme Leader to choose to become the Ben he helped raise, to little effect as much as he knew. But since the fight on the Death Star, the rumor spread around the galaxy that “The Last Jedi” killed Supreme Leader Kylo Ren in a fit of rage and fury that no one could explain. Rey refused to counter this rumor by telling anyone she did the exact opposite; in fact healing him, letting him go, and eventually fighting with him, . . . . and kissing him.

Because to do that, would require explaining what happened in Exegol, that she was a Palpatine by blood, and now carried the dark side in her. She wanted to tell Chewie all of this suddenly, as the realization hit her that the Wookie standing before her, with his hands on her shoulders, was there from the beginning of Ben’s life, and deserved to know his end. She would tell him in time before she left, her conscience resolved. “I’ll tell you everything as soon as I can,” she was able to squeak out before being engulfed in a hug from behind.

“Reyyyyyyyyy! I thought I’d never see you again!” Finn spoke into her ear louder than was necessary. It annoyed her. 

“Is it a new Resistance regulation that you must address me that way every time you see me Finn? Sheesh, my name hasn’t changed or anything.” It felt nice to have his warm arms around her, even if he was just as annoying as Poe right now. _“Boys.”_ she mumbled under her breath. He was her brother, no matter how you sliced it, and being back with the person she escaped her old life with, felt nice, but it was not home.

“I haven’t seen you in a year Rey, I think I’m allowed to say what I want to!” he let her go after speaking, and she spent the next twenty minutes greeting those she missed, and being introduced to strangers who wanted to meet her. Most treated her as a returning hero, or a myth incarnate.

She hated every moment. No one really did understand her, or what she was now fighting to achieve.

Poe continued to introduce her, with a sense of his own pride and importance, as “The Last Jedi.” The title chilled her to her core; it made her feel cold, indifferent. If they only knew her blood. If they only knew about her parents. If they only knew about Ben. Once the excitement in the crowd started to dissipate, she heard a throat clear, and turned to see Rose who waved and smiled sweetly before immediately taking Rey into a front hug and holding her the tightest of any person yet. Rey reached her arms completely around the shorter woman, hugging her tightly out of relief and sadness. There were no words spoken between the women, but when Rose pulled away, she saw concern on Rey’s face.

“Rey is everything okay? You look worried. Has something happened?” Rose’s eyes searched Rey’s face for answers to her gut intuition. The last time someone did that, it was Ben, with the same level of concern. Rey could not lie to her.

“Yes,” she paused, collecting her thoughts, considering what information to currently disclose, “there is a reason I’m back, but I can’t talk about it here, in front of them….” Her eyes glanced over Rose’s shoulder at Poe, Finn, and Hux talking to other Resistance leaders. At least, Rey assumed they were leaders. The political climate of the galaxy passed her by in her exile, and there was a part of her that did _not_ want to know, because she knew the moment she was made aware, she would be dragged into involvement in one way or another. She rationalized that if she wanted to infiltrate the First Order, she would need a debriefing sooner rather than later, but that could be tomorrow’s problem. Rose interrupted her thoughts, with questions of her own,

“Is it a female problem?” Rose’s mental wheels were turning, Rey could tell, and she gasped when Rey did not immediately respond, “Rey, are you PREGNANT?”

“Kriff, no Rose!” Rey paused in thought. “How could I be?” She asked with perhaps a bit too much mock emphasis, trying to hide her deeper thoughts. Thank the Force Rose could not probe her mind.

“Well, you were gone on Exegol an awful long time…..and then Tatooine for a year. A lot can happen in a year and a half Rey…..”

“ROSE!” Rey attempted to cast aside suspicion at her teasing attitude, and her voice went up in shock. She failed the mission.

“Rey . . . your face . . . what happened on Exegol?! Is Kylo Ren not . . . ” Rose’s question immediately was muffled by Rey launching and covering her mouth with her hand and leaned into Rose’s ear to whisper,

“I have a story to tell you, but. not. here. It’s why I came back, and why I have to leave again. I’m gonna need your help most likely. You and Chewie are the only people I trust right now with this information.” Rose nodded her head under Rey’s hand, and she removed it slowly, in case the shorter woman tried to argue. But Rose was smart, she caught on.

“Tonight, after lights out, I’ll bring some Desert Wine to your quarters, and you can tell me all about it.” Rose laughed and winked at her in elation.

“Ugh, Rose, did it have to be legendary wine from Tatooine?” she teased.

“Sorry! It’s all we’ve got!” Rose shrugged her shoulders with a laugh. “Found it in a smuggling run a few weeks back. I’ll sneak a whole bottle for us. You’ll forget about where it came from soon enough. I hear the stuff is quite strong, never had it myself before.”

Rey laughed of her own accord, it was freeing to be back among friends. She reached down to grasp Rose’s hand in gratitude. “Thank you Rose, I promise, this will all make sense soon.” Rose leaned in and whispered her assurance,

“You take all the time you need Rey, I’ll be here when you are ready.”

Rose practically dragged Rey to the semi permanent mess hall as Rey started to interrogate the other woman about the state of the Resistance and the political standing of the galaxy. Rose motioned for her to sit at a table with herself, Poe, Hux, Finn, Jannah, and Kaydel Connix, who grew to be close friends with Rose in Rey’s absence. A tinge of jealousy crept up in Rey as she watched them interact, struggling to push aside pangs of loneliness again, attempting to remind herself that _she_ had been the one to leave, preventing her from building lasting relationships. Finn and Poe still were best friends, even closer than she remembered, but a year and more can do a lot to a person, of that she was well aware. She was happy for the both of them, in finding each other on this strange journey. Hux was quiet most of the time, but occasionally Rey caught him commenting on the group conversations, and she once thought she caught him glancing at Poe for an abnormally long time, but when she went back to check his thoughts, he was talking to Jannah about some military details. Everyone at the table seemed at ease with the presence of the former General of the First Order, turned spy. How THAT happened Rey wanted answers to, but now was not the time.

What she DID learn, albeit encouraged by a few choice questions on her part, was the Resistance continually gained territory, alliances, and power in the year she was gone. Once news spread of both Leia’s death and that the First Order still remained intact, individuals from all over the galaxy started to band together. First in smaller groups to defend a planet, but over time grew into larger civilian armies of a variety of planets compiling and sharing resources. Leia’s death was inspiring hundreds, if not thousands, to keep _her_ fight going in her memory. With their leader gone, no matter how literal or not, it was not up to them to continue. Rey refused to point it out, but it sounded as if both the Resistance and the First Order were starved for appropriate leadership. The Resistance was run by a combination of veterans from BOTH wars, and people who considered themselves political. This latter fact clearly annoyed Poe specifically. Alternatively, it sounded as if the First Order was plagued by constant infighting and assassinations of leadership. Reports of weekly murders abounded as they came in from spies still within its ranks. Jannah had ongoing connections to a handful of troopers who hinted at increasing frustration with leadership and “asset acquisition” which essentially was child kidnapping. This boiled Rey’s blood to hear for the first time, that the First Order stole children from their families, barely able to function on their own and trained them to do things far beyond their scope of understanding. Which sounded much like the Jedi Order which she aligned herself to in recent months. It was clear in her mind the First Order was starving for a Supreme Leader as effective as Kylo Ren. 

“This is otter chaos.” Rey mumbled under her breath. Hux was the only one who heard her.

“Yes, scavenger, it is.” She glared at him and his acknowledgement of her past. History he only would have gotten from Kylo Ren. Everyone at the table was mostly mingling after dinner and Rey needed a quick escape from his studying gaze in her direction. It made her uncomfortable.

“Rose, is there somewhere I can get some new clothes? Mine are getting a little tattered.” Rose turned from her conversation with Kaydel as realization crossed her face,

“Oh my gods Rey! You don’t have any more clothes?” Rey sheepishly grinned at her, slightly embarrassed. Rose’s face remained in shock as she quickly glanced down at Rey’s grey jumpsuit, stained with dirt, dust, grease and oil of a variety of consistencies.

“I just have my white wraps, this jumpsuit, and a pair of grey pants. . . .” she wanted to include the sweater, but no, not yet. That was Ben’s sweater, not hers. She would never claim something that belonged to him.

“Oh, well we can FIX that!” Leaving their dishes on the table, Rose grabbed Rey’s hand and practically dragged her out of the tent at a run. “The boys can clean up for us!” she yelled back at Rey, who’s smile grew bitter at the moment of glee present in the both of them. Rose lead Rey out of the tent, and across the well established camp to a smaller permanent storage unit. Rose threw open the door, and when the two women entered, she let go of Rey’s hand. What confronted Rey astounded and terrified her, as there were probably dozens of stacked crates and trunks, all labeled with what kind of clothing they contained.

“Give me a second,” Rose walked around the room, deep in thought as she played with her hands, and occasionally glanced over at Rey, eyeing her up and down in contemplative thought. “Nope, not this one.” She moved to another crate that sat under it. “This one, but we’ll need the boys to move the one on top, it’s quite heavy.”

“You forget I have a useful skill set Rose,” Rey joked as she moved over closer to Rose, making room for the crate to settle once she lifted it.

“Righttttt. Forgot about that.” Rose never ceased to be amazed at Rey’s Force abilities. She never showed them off, and frankly she seemed ashamed of them most days. Rose watched as Rey used both hands and the Force, to slowly lift and move the top crate off their goal. Once it settled on the ground, Rose moved over to open the crate with clothes that would most likely fit Rey. The two women removed the lid and began digging in the clothing items for ones that might be something she would enjoy wearing. “Do you want any particular colors, or styles?” Rose asked as she dug through the piles and piles of clothes, unsure of what to look for. On base, most everyone wore military issue clothing at least as an outer layer, but this storage space held all manner of clothing for men and women, sorted by size, and recovered from any number of dubious means and occasions. While this crate was her size, it was mostly daily clothing, but there was another, smaller crate also in her size, labeled “Nabooian Styles – Women” that caught her eye. That one would be next as Rey felt oddly drawn to it.

“Anything but white.” Rey said in an extremely flat, cold tone.

“Developed a grudge against that color?” Rose laughed.

“You could say so. I much prefer greens or blues. Even dark browns and blacks work fine.”

“Sounds like someone has had a transformation of sorts.” Rose side eyed Rey as she pulled out some pants and vests.

“Oooo I like that one!” Rey pulled a grey vest with pockets out of Rose’s pile and tried it on. It fit perfectly, so she chucked it into a corner of the room away from them, for sorting later, with a smile on her face.

“You gonna change that hair style too?” Rose asked, suspicious. Rey did not respond as she continued to dig in chest, pulling out a blue knee length poncho that looked quite warm, and made of some kind of animal hair pressed together instead of woven. She threw that in the corner too.

“Not typical wear for the desert you know . . .” Rose again probed for information. Rey ignored that attempt too. “Hmmm.” Rose mumbled. She kept digging and pulling out some pants for Rey to try. Rey stood and held a variety of pants in front of her, comparing the width and depth of them to her own body. In a way, this was difficult to handle because she knew that these sizes were what she used to fit, but with her body’s slow death, she was not eating as much as she should be, and she continued to lose weight and muscle mass. But should her plan work, she would be able to eat soon, and would gain some of that back, so picking clothes that were currently a tad too big, would still work in a few months.

In moments, Rey selected a half dozen pants in a variety of lengths and muted natural tones of black, grey, and green. All had quite large pockets, which would be helpful for her planned activities and unplanned storage. Pockets made solo travel easier. She kneeled down again, leaning into the crate as Rose sorted shirts, and found two belts that would work with some of the pants stylistically, and heavy duty enough to carry Rey’s saber if needed. Rose found a variety of basic shirts in beige, black, and blue that Rey all approved of, and threw into her corner. Rose laughed.

“What?” Rey asked, confused.

“You. That’s all. You’re not like many of us, used to order and practicality.”

“I’ve never been one to follow the rules exactly….” Rey’s comment was a mistake. Rose stopped looking and stared up at Rey from her bent knees, hands still in the crate.  
“Rey of Jakku, The Last Jedi, is someone NOT built for order? Didn’t you learn anything from Luke and Leia?” Rose teased, with more honesty than she probably intended.

“Yes, that the legacy of the Jedi is failure.” Rey commented as her head dove into the crate again, pulling out a long beige woven wrap, that immediately went flying into the ever growing pile. A pregnant silence filled the room and the weight of Rey’s words hung between the two women. So much of what Rey wanted to explain to Rose was tied to Ben and would have to wait, but it was none the less true.

“We defeated the Final Order, Rey.” Rose’s voice lowered.

Rey glanced at her, and then at her own bent knees on the floor, using her thumb to play with the palm of her left hand. The hand that held Ben’s hand as he died.

“You . . . defeated the Final Order, I failed at the one thing I should have seen coming, but missed the clues, and failed the one person who believed in me.” Rey knew she said too much because of the immediate confusion on Rose’s face. She decided to break the awkward pause by referencing the other crate that called to her. “What is this one?” Rey asked as she unclasped the leather bindings on it and opened the wooden lid.

“It was from a mail shipment we intercepted on its way to the First Order. Some of the latest fashions from Naboo apparently, really of no use here, so into storage they went until we find something to do with them.” Rose side eyed Rey again, with a spark of amusement. “You _sure_ you’re not pregnant?” Rey glared up at Rose, who giggled despite herself. “Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Take what you want from there, none of us will use it. Including the men.” The two women looked at each other and laughed. Rey continued to rummage through the crate, finding a number of dresses that oddly gave her the same warm feeling, though not nearly as strong as Ben’s sweater did, to touch them. Dare she think they felt like they were . . . . meant for her?

The article of clothing on top was a long blue robe, loosely woven with what looked like some kind of fuzzy fabric that was extremely foreign to Rey. The gold trim down the side felt rough and course in comparison to the softness of the weave. It felt like she was touching something forbidden, and sacred. The softness of the woven fibers felt light to the touch, but the garment itself was somewhat heavy. It was meant for a colder climate, and looked to be a sleeping gown, or something to throw on over night when it got cold and nature called. Rey folded it carefully in half and moved it to the top of an unopened box to keep dirt off of it. These felt like sacred objects, and she wanted to treat them with the respect they were due. How she wished she knew who they belonged to, if anyone. Whoever these clothes were intended for, probably had quite a story to tell. If she was this rich or important to have clothing like this, she must have amazing stories Rey figured. Though, she had a pretty amazing story to tell herself once she thought about it.

The second item of clothing was a yellow dress that reminded Rey of the rising sun on Jakku, before the orange of the heat hit. It was warm and welcoming; inviting her fingers to explore its intricate details. The corset looked a little tight, even for Rey’s frame, though as she turned it over and looked at the laces, she could easily wear it looser and it would fit perfectly fine. She ran her fingers over the embroidered purple flowers, and grinned to herself. “ _Purple.”_ A color she did not see much, except in the sunsets she would watch on Tatooine, waiting for Ben or Anakin to appear. She noticed on the skirt there were tiny white butterflies stitched into the outer layer of the almost sheer, translucent fabric. As she moved her hand under the sheer fabric, it reflected the light in the room, in the same way she once saw the sun reflect off a lake of water; at times sharp and stinging, but mostly warm and welcoming. Whoever owned these dresses had breasts about Rey’s size too, because as she looked at the corset frame, her mind told her she would fit. It was a near miracle. Nothing that fit most women ever fit Rey, and there was a reason Rey wore wraps mostly, she did not need any kind of support. Rey gently folded the skirt around the corset and set it over with the robe.

The dress under this one was every bit the opposite of the golden yellow delicate one before it. This one was heavy, and structured. It was as black as night, with another corset, made of black leather and possibly even more form fitting than the previous one. The coordinating skirt had holes in it allowing a lighter, creamier color to peek though. Rey could not picture herself in this dress . . . until she saw the arm wraps, in the same matching leather as the corset. _“Oh, I’m keeping this for sure.”_ In the midst of the skirts folds, Rey found a small drawstring bag. She placed the previously sorted items on the other crate and sat with the bag on her lap, the first thing she pulled out was an EXTREMELY long scarf that shimmered in the light with silver elements woven into the fabric. Having no clue what that was for, she put it aside and reached for the last item in the bag. It shocked her to pull out what appeared to be a headpiece to be worn over the top of the forehead. It was two simple bands of metal and the styling of it, looked familiar to her for some reason. She contemplated it for a while but could not place any memory or reason why she would remember it. She packed up the items, placing them back into the drawstring bag, and placed them to her side.

The last dress in the crate took Rey’s breath away. It was like looking at a sunset, or a sunrise, she could not decide. Words escaped her when she mentally tried to describe it, as one color bled into another and there was SO MUCH fabric. _“How does one even wear it? Where do your arms go?”_ She thought, a she might have stumbled upon the neck hole, but after fingering it for a while decided she was still unclear. The fabric was thick, but extremely flowy and would easily move in even the slightest bit of wind. This was the first dress she actually WANTED to try on. The others were very restrictive, and this one matched her need to feel free, flexible, and open. She felt she could move in this dress, and it matched image of herself she enjoyed most. It was why she resorted to wraps and pants, they allowed for free movement, but this dress . . . this could change her mind on wearing dresses . . .

“Oh, you’ll want these Rey.” Rose interrupted Rey’s thoughts, and handed her a medium sized black box. Rey raised an eyebrow as she hesitantly took the box. Opening it, she was confronted with the nicest sets of undergarments she had ever laid eyes AND hands on. There were at least a dozen fancy binders, with extra padded supports, lace, leather straps to keep them on, and a number of panties in coordinating or matching colors. There was even a purple nightgown, smooth and cold to the touch that barely covered anything. They were oddly, all Rey’s size, and looked practically new, still wrapped in papery packing material.” Rey’s stomach dropped as a thought crossed her mind.

“When were these intercepted Rose?” Rey asked, without looking up from the box. Her gut was telling her something she was afraid to admit out loud.

“A while back I think, definitely before Exegol. They’ve been sitting in storage ever since.”

“Why was I not made aware of this acquisition when we got them?”

“If you remember correctly, you were off training with Leia, building your saber, and healing crystals, that Jedi life of yours was all consuming. You didn’t have time, or really a reason, to know about mediocre supplies captured from the First Order.” Rose went back to her digging.

_“The First Order?”_ Rey’s stomach flipped again, as her suspicion was becoming more valid by the moment. _“ Why would a shipment to the First Order include, certainly at different times, lingerie and dresses? All women involved in that system are treated as men, dressed as men. Why would a man, or a woman for that matter, need dresses or lingerie in that environment? . . . Unless it wasn’t any man . . . . but . . . the man.”_ Rey gasped as her thoughts ran away with her. The dresses made no sense to her so she brushed them away, but the lingerie was exactly her size, and ALL of the items were her size. They were all packaged in paper designed to be given as a gift . . . .

_“For one specific woman. . . .”_ Rey’s head jerked up as Ben’s voice broke through her own thoughts, flooding every cell of her senses, as solid and clear as ever. Her sight went black for only a split second and then she saw a flash of light, and his feeling in her was gone again.

“Kriff off Ben.” She mumbled under her breath as she felt her stomach twist over and under itself, somersaulting in nerves. She felt his laughter echo through her body as it settled in her fluttering heart. 

“What did you say?” Rose looked up from her search at hearing Rey mumble.

“Oh, nothing, just thinking out loud.” She closed the box and placed it in the corner with her other clothes, and the dresses from Naboo she selected. Kylo Ren ordered those clothing items for her prior to asking her to join him the second time, after he discovered they were a dyad, after he realized he loved her. . . .The timing of their capture, based on what Rose said, fit perfectly, the sizing fit her perfectly. The jewel tones of purple, green, blue, and red, fit her skin and hair coloring perfectly. She swallowed hard, considering. That box and those dresses would be smuggled onto the Falcon, and hidden in the locked compartment with Ben’s sweater. She was determined.

The two women who felt much older than their ages would indicate, spent the next hour sorting through every day clothes, finally settling on about a dozen outfits for Rey to mix and match as she desired. They packed the selected clothes into an empty crate, the dresses and robe first, followed by all other articles of clothing. Rose remained silent as she watched Rey put the box of undergarments into the crate and cover it up with the shirts and pants. With packing complete, they wrapped up the crate with leather strap bindings, and Rey used the Force to carry it back to her quarters while Rose left to get the wine. They tried to avoid the questioning looks thrown their way on their parade back to her room, but both were glad to be in the safety of the closed room. With Rose leaving, Rey’s nerves were starting to ramp up.

Suddenly, she heard a knock on her door, and for the briefest moment, she considered not answering it, but with the familiar grunt of greeting, she decided to greet her visitor. There stood Chewie; with a growl he motioned toward the woods, and reached out his hand toward Rey. She smiled, as she unclasp her belt for the first time since leaving Tatooine, throwing it onto her makeshift bed, and gladly took his hand. Together they walked into the jungle, in silence, enjoying each other’s company after a way to long separation. Rey felt like Chewie understood her in a way unlike many of her friends. Through him, she still felt a connection with Han and Leia. He was someone she felt safe with, and could talk freely to; he made her feel stable again. Those times he was her co-pilot on the Falcon were some of the happiest moments in her life. His constant willingness to be by her side in any way she needed was comforting, as he would stop whatever he was doing to help her in a moment’s notice. She had to tell him about Ben, he was patiently waiting for her to cross that threshold.

“Chewie, Ben’s alive.” She almost whispered it as she refused to make eye contact, watching her feet slowly trudge through the jungle. “Not in this world, per say, but he’s alive.” The Wookie grunted his confusion, so she deeply sighed and explained, rather rushed to avoid arousing her own emotion, what happened on Exegol to him, and selected information necessary to the conversation, from what happened on Tatooine. When she finished, she waited for his response, nerves tingling in the tips of her fingers then quickly spreading all over her body. Losing Leia had been hard for him, harder than most realized or considered, though Rey felt his grief. The news of her son possibly still alive, could be the best news he received in years. Rey did the math back on Tatooine a long time ago one afternoon when she was wishing for home. Chewie was in Ben’s life until he went to Luke’s academy, and she could tell by the look on his face now, that he was thinking of a time when a black haired boy thought the world of his uncle. He stopped walking, and kneeled down in front of her, doing so brought them practically eye to eye. He grabbed the two sides of her face and leaned in to touch her forehead. She instinctively did the same, and they stood there, two friends, who had seen too many deaths, and lived too many lives. She could tell he was emotional, and struggled to collect his thoughts.

“You have to get him back Rey.” She was glad to see her understanding of Shyriiwook remained un-faltered in the year she was gone.

“I’m going to do my best, I promise. I believe I can with your help.”

“Benny must be brought back. For Leia. For Han. He deserves to live the life they could not. With you.” Rey opened her eyes as the Wookie leaned back. His eyes were moist, and while he was a Wookie of few words, his words always carried power. They provided her strength when she lacked her own.

“You never stopped believing in him, did you?” she asked as Chewie released her face and sat down on the ground, crossed legged. Rey followed suit.

“He came to see me when I was captured, unmasked. He stood, stoic and silent the entire time he was in the room. I was afraid he would hurt me, or torture me for information. But . . . he just probed for my thoughts. I gave him memories of his life with us. Of how happy he was, of what his parents thought of him. I even gave him information he did not know. How his parents regretted sending him away. Han’s frustration about leaving his son behind and abandoning him. I gave him my sadness at the person he became, and told him he could do better.” Chewie glanced at Rey as a look of amusement crossed his face. “I gave him a memory of you, flying the Falcon with Han, fixing the compressor. The smallest smile crossed Benny’s face, before he turned to leave the room. It was the last time I saw him.”

Chewie hung his head slightly, deep in thought. Rey did not realize Chewie and Kylo had seen each other, and she wondered if this helped spur Kylo to turn around and become Ben again. If so, it would make sense, and she could not thank the Wookie enough for his attempt. Rey reached a hand over and brushed the hair on his cheek, unblinkingly staring at him with determination,

“I’m going to find him. I will bring him back if I can. You have my word.” She smiled brightly, hoping to convey her confidence. Chewie took a moment more in contemplation, nodded his head in some decision, and in one fell swoop, picked up Rey and thrust her onto his shoulders, like he would carry a small child.

“You have to get back to camp Rey, but I used to carry Benny this way, now I carry you. Maybe one day I will carry your child this way.” THAT caused Rey to laugh in embarrassment as her entire body heated up in a flush of red.

“Perhaps Chewie, perhaps.”

***********

“AND THENNNNN . . . . Rose, stop laughing, I’m trying to be serious! Then . . . I SAID STOP ITTT!”

“NO REY I’M SORRY. DID YOU SERIOUSALLY SAY HE WAS A PUPPET?” Rose broke into a fit of giggles again. Actually, it was not really a fit, more like increased giggles as she couldn’t stop.

“HE WAS LITERALLY ATTACHED TO A CRANE ARM, ROSE. WITH WIRES CONNECTING HIM FOR LIFE SUPPORT. HE’S LITERALLY A PUPPET ON A STRING. I WAS VERY CONFUSED OKAY. Who is running this thing? How is he powered? Does he have a replacement body hidden somewhere in a jar pickling for when this one runs out of energy? Who replaces said battery?” Rey’s comments continued to deepen Rose’s laugher, distracting Rey considerably.

“But the lightning Rey! How was there lightning INSIDE? You gotta explain this to me, because I do not understand!” More giggles. “How does it storm INSIDE and not mess up the electronics needed to keep him alive?”

“I DON’T KNOW! It was so weird because the lighting did not come from the sky, you know, like NORMAL lightning does, but it came from the ground.

“What the kriff?” Rose's shocked face was only slightly disoriented.

“It came from the ground with all the cracks, right? Like how does that even happen, its like the whole planet was flipped on its head somehow. Like it was upside down.”  
"That makes zero sense, but I feel like I want to figure it out now, to try and piece it together, because that is NOT normal."

“Your guess is as good as mine! I was too scared of you know, DYING, to pay attention to the logistics of flashes of light indoors. The more I think about it, the less sense it makes. So I just don’t. I still don’t understand how he has been alive, just waiting for me to arrive…..”

“Maybe he has a clone!” Rose pointed at her friend in a joking manner.

Rey launched at her best friend with the Force trying to knock her over playfully, but because of the amount of alcohol in her system, missed entirely, and sent Rose’s porg pillow, (She made it herself, she gladly told Rey after her second glass of pink Desert Wine), flying across the room. Both women giggled before Rose motioned for Rey to continue. Rose got up and retrieved her pillow while Rey talked, and sat down cuddling it to her chest.

“So, I’m standing there, right? And he tells me,” Rey placed her wine glass on the floor, and stood up so she could mimic her grandfather’s practically lifeless body hanging by a life support machine, “Rey, I am your grandfather! Or something like that, this wine is making me forget details.” Rey shook her head to attempt and find her logic again, as her arms stayed raised in the air. “So like I’m about to kill him, right, and just as I do that, and raise my saber and such, I get this sense that SOMEONE is coming. I can feel it in the Force, all around me. Someone has landed on Exegol and is heading toward me, intent on finding me. For the first time he feels warm, and not cold.” Rey sat back down because the room was starting to spin. 

“Nooooo.” Rose’s shocked expression told everything on her mind. “He didn’t!”

“OH, he kriffing did!” Rey nods her head at her friend a little faster than intended and the room spins again.

“HOW though?”

“I have NO IDEA. He got some First Order ship SOMEHOW, decided to change his clothes, and shows up with JUST a blaster. THAT’S IT! I didn’t even know he knew how to SHOOT!” Rey sipped her wine before continuing. “This idiot just throws himself down the shaft I came in on, because he’s a kriffing Solo, and acts before thinking . . .

“Wait? I’m confused, it’s probably this wine, HOW do you know he did all this?” Rose leaned in toward Rey in confusion and rapt attention.

Rey pointed to her head. “Dyad.” Rose’s face grew with understanding, remembering the explanation from earlier in the evening when they were more sober and logical. “I could LITERALLY sense everything he was doing, the fall onto that chain, all the pain he was experiencing as he tried to get to me, everything. WE COULD DRAW FROM EACH OTHER’S STRENGTH ROSE. It was like being together, though separated, and was unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced!”

“Ok, got it, continue. . . . wow pain too?” Rey ignored Rose’s question.

“So he throws himself on this chain, right, and he just mumbles “oww” when he falls, which is SO something his father would do. And when he finally gets close to me, he starts fighting his fellow knights, which I have suspicions on, but whatever, not important for the current conversation. And as he’s fighting them, I’m in this . . . . oh what is that word.”

“Citadel you described it as before.”

“RIGHT. So I’m in the middle of this cit-something room, surrounding by probably THOUSANDS of these Sith people. Ok, this confused me.” Rey shifted in her seat, set down her wine so she could use both hands to explain. “What do they DO all day?” She leaned on her knees deep in drunken thought. “Where do they COME from? Have they just been sitting there for decades waiting for me to show up and kill their old creepy wizard god?” Rose started to giggle at this point. “I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO KILL HIM. And yet, they are all there to watch me? Where do they eat? Where do they have refreshers? When does choir rehersal happen? WHO LEADS THE CHIOR?” All of Rey’s questions had Rose in drunken stitches of laughter which caused Rey to practically die of laugher at how utterly insane all this felt to explain.

“But I have to STALL NOW because Ben Kriffing Solo is taking his sweet old time in arriving to help me, so I have to make it look like I WANT to kill him, and his dramatic ass buys it!” Rose looked WAY more excited and into Rey’s story now than she did an hour ago. “So he’s already reaching out to me…”

“Through the bond or physically?”

“Bond, pay closer attention Rose.”

“Roger, Roger.” Rose saluted, to drive home assurance of her paying attention.

“So he reaches out to me in the bond, and OF COURSE I reach back, and oh Rose…..” Rey leaned back against her bed frame, setting her wine down. She rubbed her hands over her face before continuing, taking several deep breaths to calm her ever increasing nerves. Her eyes were starting to wet, but she knew she must continue, lest the other woman may eat her alive for holding back. “He looked so kriffing hot. I mean, REALLY hot. He was in this really lose sweater thing, that blew in the breeze, he had what I assumed were the leather pants, and boots.” Rey broke eye contact with Rose and stared at the wall as she mentally went back to seeing Ben Solo for the first time.

“And gods Rose, I finally saw his parents in his face; the long face of his father, but the soft brown eyes of his mother just called to me with every ounce of his being, but his poor idiot heart had nothing else to fight with. Oh kriff the connection felt so GOOOOD Rose, he felt like home. His eyes, PLEADED with me for help, and I did the only thing I could think to do…”

“YOU FUCKED HIM AND YOU’RE NOW PREGNANT. I KNEW IT!”

“No.” Rey shook her head in confusion, trying to scramble logic back into it. “Rose, this was OVER a year ago. I’d have a baby by now if that was the case.”

“Ohhhhhh. Right.”

“I passed him Anakin’s saber through the bond.” Rey said quietly, afraid of her friend’s reaction.

“You didn’t.” Rose’s expression was one of excitement and thrill.

“OF COURSE I DID!” Rey felt excitement bubbling up in her again.

“THEN YOU USED LEIA’S, THE ONE ON YOUR BACK. REY YOU’RE SO SMART!”

“I TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOOD, RIGHT? So Ben took his saber and basically destroyed all the other guys, and remember, I’m STILL in the room with the Sith Choir. Trying to stall.” Rose’s eyes were getting wider by the passing moment, and while this was fun to tell her, it was getting harder now. “Ben eventually shows up, and oh Rose, he looked so good in person. Our bond was open so we could communicate with each other through it, without speaking. So we did, and it was perfect. He felt like coming home, and side by side we turned to face my grandfather.” She paused, as her words caught deep in her throat.

“Then what happened?” Rey knew she would not make it through providing Rose intimate details of following events. She could barely make it through thinking of Ben’s death on her own. Details did not matter right now. Not yet.

“He killed him, Rose.”

With those words, the silence in the room became too powerful for the women to handle on their own, and both started to cry. Rey bowed her head, as she hugged herself over her stomach, allowing tears to roll down her cheeks in quiet sobs. She did nothing to stop them.

Once Rose saw Rey breaking down, she scooted over and sat down next to her, hugging her from the side around her neck. She knew she did not need to say anything, as Rey leaned her head to the side, resting it against Rose’s for support. They continued to hold each other for several moments until Rey could speak again. She continued to keep her head in place and continued through wet sobs,

“After he was gone,” Rey chocked on her own tears, “He told me ……..”

Rose jerked her head up and looked at Rey with a shocked expression, “WAIT. YOU CAN STILL TALK TO HIM?” Rey’s smile came back to her face ever so slowly.

“That’s why I’m back.” She whispered, even though it was way past lights out on base and no one else could possibly hear them. “I think I can get him back somehow, I don’t think he’s totally gone. Not yet. Not fully. Our dyad is still intact, even if it is torn apart.” Rose’s eyes grew even bigger than before, as she clutched her porg pillow closer to her chest.

“How?”

Rey threw up her hands and slapped them on her knees in frustration, as the tears started to dry on her face. “I have no idea. I need to figure that out. I need to see if there are things I can get here, or at the First Order that might help.”

“Rey you can’t go to the First Order. There is no possible way you could get in there without being killed outright.”

Even though Rey’s brain was drunk beyond all logical belief, she wanted to move past the rest of the story of Ben’s death as quickly as she could, and Rose was distracted by the plan forming in Rey’s mind.

“Hux said the First Order is in need of a leader. I am the granddaughter of Palpatine himself. I’m an Empress of the Dark Side, now that I killed him Rose. I contain all the Sith and all the Jedi within me. Why can’t I trick the First Order into giving me what I want, then destroy them from the inside, out?”  
“You will need the Resistance’s help with that for sure.” Rose was already thinking and planning as Rey attempted to read her mind. It was harder while drunk though, as messages were all clouded. “But it’s something we can try. I think there are several people who would be VERY interested in this development.” Rey scooted over closer to her friend and gave her a side hug,

“Good.”

“You are going to try to get Ben back, right?”

“That’s the plan, yes.”

“Good.” A smile passed between the two women full of understanding and forgiveness. “I’ll do whatever I can to help you, you just have to let me know.”

“You’re amazing to me Rose. You know that? Like bringing this wine, you KNOW what I like.” Rey tapped the side of her glass as she stood to refill it. Thinking about Ben hurt too much, and she needed to rid her thoughts of him tonight.

The rest of the night was spent mostly discussing relationships in camp, and what Hux was up to with Poe since a variety of people had bets out. Rose discussed how her relationship with Finn subsided, but was now starting to pick up again, and before either woman knew what was going on, it was close to 3 am, and both were ready to pass out. Rose left, letting Rey keep the wine and Rey crawled into bed, not bothering to change out of her grey jumpsuit. Her head still spun as it turned to thoughts of Ben, so once she was in bed, Rey finally gave in.

“Gods he looked so good in that sweater.” She mumbled to herself, as her head continued to spin despite her best efforts to calm it down by staring at the ceiling. It hit her like a squadron of porgs on the war path: the double banded metal headdress reminded her of Kylo Ren’s helmet. His helmet’s design included the same metal bands across the forehead. But now she was more confused. Where did HE get his inspiration? Rey’s brain hurt, and she did not want to think about Kylo right now. Kylo was dead; she killed him. Yet Ben still lived, and still called to her. How she longed for him to be here, with her, holding her while she allowed the alcohol to drag her toward sleep. She eventually drifted off into a restless slumber with thoughts of kissing Ben as he lay in the bed next to her, lightly touching her naked back with the tips of his fingers as she cuddled up next to his chest.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, hello little one. What are you up to today?” She spoke in a soft voice to the ball of blue peacefully sitting in her hand. She watched it begin to explore her palm, sticking its tongue out to taste her, perfectly content in her presence. It did not leave as quickly as she assumed it would; it appeared to lack fear of her. She studied its face, or what she assumed was its face, and there was an odd intelligence present in its eyes. It studied her in kind, and she thought she caught it practically making eye contact with her. The butterfly cocked its double antennae head as he carefully watched her, sticking out his tongue at her this time. “Oh, you want to be sassy today huh? Well, I can be sassy too.” Rey playfully stuck her tongue out at him. Flapping his wings in response, he tilted his head in concentration the opposite direction of hers. She laughed out loud at her ability to connect with this creature. Something about holding it in her hand felt comforting . . . . and warm . . . . and familiar."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings readers! Just a quick note to let you know that i finished the next chapter sooner than I expected and decided to upload it. I'm now heading straight into my secret project, so updates on this might be a bit slower, but I will try to get back to it as soon as I can. SMS takes a lot of emotion and planning from me, so I have to take time with it, to get it where I want it. As always, let me know what you think, I love hearing from you! 
> 
> Hope you and those you hold close are staying well and healthy, and if not, I hope this fic can help you escape for a little bit. :)

Rey woke the next morning, only slightly miserable and light sensitive from the night of drinking. As she struggled to gain full awareness, she rubbed her eyes and turned away from the stream of light leaking in through the shaded window. In the process, her slightly blurry vision caught a flash of bright blue, unexpectedly. Turning back over as she blocked the ray of sunlight for her eyes, she realized she now shared the room with a small, flying, brightly colored blue butterfly. She watched with curiosity, as he circled the room fondly, exploring every nook and cranny within his reach. Flitting from corner to corner, he searched for an appropriate and friendly place to land. Rey watched in amazement as the flash of blue, something she never encountered growing up on Jakku, utterly mesmerized her, drawing her to some mental state close to meditation. Green planets continued to give her new surprises to discover, and this little gem was simply the newest one, yet somehow, one of the most special she felt. She knew desert planets like BB8’s ability to break his antenna, but she never wanted to live on another one long term again. She sat up in bed to groggily watch the creature fly over in her direction, slowly turning toward her, stopping, and hovering in place over her head. Instinctively, and not knowing what compelled her to do so, she reached an open hand up, offering a safe landing space to the insect. He gladly took advantage of her offer, softly landing in her palm and flitting his wings in gratitude. She slowly pulled her hand down in front of her face to look at him closer,

“Well, hello little one. What are you up to today?” She spoke in a soft voice to the ball of blue peacefully sitting in her hand. She watched it begin to explore her palm, sticking its tongue out to taste her, perfectly content in her presence. It did not leave as quickly as she assumed it would; it appeared to lack fear of her. She studied its face, or what she assumed was its face, and there was an odd intelligence present in its eyes. It studied her in kind, and she thought she caught it practically making eye contact with her. The butterfly cocked its double antennae head as he carefully watched her, sticking out his tongue at her this time. “Oh, you want to be sassy today huh? Well, I can be sassy too.” Rey playfully stuck her tongue out at him. Flapping his wings in response, he tilted his head in concentration the opposite direction of hers. She laughed out loud at her ability to connect with this creature. Something about holding it in her hand felt comforting . . . . and warm . . . . and familiar. As she studied the brilliant blue flapping wings, she noticed they shimmered of blue, red, and purple as they reflected light. The edge of his wings were speckled with black dots, looking like a reverse galaxy; tiny planets held in place, in a field of sparkling blue.

He was alive and free.

The exact opposite of the way she felt most days.

Instead of the freedom this insect experienced, she felt caged, trapped in a life she did not desire. She did not _want_ to be Poe’s “Last Jedi”, she did not _want_ to become a leader in the Resistance, she was not sure she even wanted to be _associated_ with the Force right now. She _wanted_ to be with Ben, she _wanted_ to have children, she _wanted_ to live a calm life, without death, without worry, without war. She _wanted_ to not be alone. As she felt anger rising in her, she continued to contemplate the creature in her hand who refused to leave her side, as a memory flashed before her mind’s eye, calming her rising nerves immediately. “ _Was it a memory, or a vision? Was it the past, or the future?”_ Her own thoughts confused her.

She caught a glimpse of a child . . . no, a girl.

A young girl.

Playing in a green field.

A green field filled with white flowers in full bloom.

The girl sat in tall grass, surrounded by a fleet of blue butterflies swirling around her. The girl watched them and laughed as they mussed with her hair, landed on her nose, drank from the white flowers she clutched in her left hand, and tickled her tiny bare toes that desperately needed a washing from a day spent running in dirt. The girl was no older than 3, and something about her freckles felt familiar to Rey. She could sense the butterflies gave the girl comfort, a sense of feeling at peace, like she was home and safe. Near the girl, there were two adults, their faces blurred from Rey’s vision, but she heard the father’s laughter, and the words escaped his lips, “What do you have there, sunshine? Got some new friends I see!” The girl giggled as she recognized the father’s voice, turning her head to look up at her parents.

Rey jerked out of the memory, scaring the butterfly out of her hand as she steadied herself in panicked thought on the thin mattress.

The voice was her father’s.

Unsure how she recognized it, or even where it came from, she was sure it was his, as clear as the blue in the morning sky outside her window. It was a memory, long hidden in the far reaches of her mind, a history long blocked and forgotten. She held out her hand in an apology to the butterfly, and to her amazement, it flitted down to rest in her palm again. She hesitantly reached a finger over, and ever so lightly touched his body, careful due to the delicate nature of the life she currently held in her hand.

“So very precious; so very fragile.” She mumbled in barely audible tones. Unsure if she was talking about the butterfly, or herself.

When she drew her hand away from touching him, he flew off her hand, over across the room, to the place her Resistance doll reclined against her bag. She found that doll on the Falcon one day when she first scavenged it as a child, and in the years since the ship became hers, she suspected it was once Ben’s. It brought her great comfort on cold desert nights when she cried herself to sleep in her At-At home, longing to have a friend. On those nights, it helped to have a reminder that somewhere, another child once found comfort in this toy, and she was now finding the same comfort. For a few moments she felt a safe connection with another child somewhere in the galaxy.

Now, as an adult, Rey realized it stood as farther evidence of the connection the Dyad shared. Rey remembered feeling awfully cold one day out with Plutt, which was odd in the desert to be sure, as the feeling carried with her the rest of the day. Yet that night, hugging the doll brought warmth back to her young teenage heart. She knew that feeling of cold was the Dark Side tempting her, and also possibly Ben. That same feeling continued to grow in her to this day; Ben was the only thing keeping warmth in her soul. Ben was keeping the darkness at bay for her, until she was strong enough to do it herself.

The butterfly flicked its wings once, before turning its head to her, and another memory flicked into her mind, but this time it was not hers.

She saw Ben. She’d know that mop of thick, wavy, black hair anywhere, even if the Ben she saw before her was a child no older than 10, at Luke’s academy, meditating a few inches off the ground. As he sat with closed eyes, hands resting on his knees, the same blue butterflies Rey remembered from the green filed, flew around his head. She saw his shoulders relax, and she felt her bond with him starting to open unintentionally. Before she knew it, she was drawn into the vision, and she physically sat before childhood Ben, in her own seated meditative pose, but while his eyes were closed, hers were open, wide as saucers at what occurred. She threw logic out of her mind, and decided to sit in the gift the Dyad was providing her, to what end she knew not. She studied the face of the child in front of her. It was full, unscarred, pure, even calm. But there was a slight darkness she could sense emanating from him, it was cold, and fearful. He was already battling the draw to the Dark Side at that young of an age, and her heart broke as tears whetted her eyes. With a sudden jolt, the child’s eyes in front of her flew open, and with a curious expression, spoke. 

“Did the Force send you?” He asked, quizzically but not startled. Almost as if he expected her sudden appearance; as he studied her face with the same head cock and tilt the butterfly did before. _“Could it be?”_

“I think it has.” Rey responded and smiled at him.

“Are you a vision, or traveling from another realm possibly?” He asked, clearly comfortable with her presence, due to his studious pre-teen mind. _“Does he feel the sense of calm and warmth I now currently sense?”_ Rey searched her logic, attempting to find an answer for both of them that would satisfy.

“I think another time.” Rey slowly offered the only explanation that made sense to her.

“Uncle Luke says that time can work differently in several places in the galaxy. I never thought it would happen to me!” Ben smiled at her, and Rey’s heart skipped a beat. It was the same smile she gazed upon exactly once before. The dimples still sat on either side of his mouth, somehow even deeper as a child.

“Apparently it’s a first for both of us then.” She confirmed. 

“I feel like I know you,” he tilted his head in the opposite direction, deep in concentration, “You feel familiar to me. Maybe we met before mama and papa sent me away….” Rey saw a shadow cross his young face as his gaze flicked to the butterfly’s surrounding them, before looking back toward her.

“Or we will in the future.” Rey leaned in to him ever so slightly, returning a smile to her face, and watching his do the same.

“What is your name, so I know how to find you in the future?” He excitedly asked. “My mama says that a name gives you direction in life, it gives you purpose. Mine is Ben Solo! Mama says I was named Ben because I gave her hope! My papa is a pilot, I hope to be a pilot one day after I become a great Jedi!”

“It’s nice to meet you Ben,” Rey barely chocked out without showing emotion on her face. “My name is Rey. Just Rey.” She smiled, expecting him to ask about her last name.

“Like a ray of light! That’s a very pretty name! It’s nice to meet you Rey!” Chills erupted up and down Rey’s spine as child Ben reached out his hand toward her, seeking to shake her hand in greeting. The memory of touching Ben across the stars in the hut on Ahch-To flooded her thoughts. Instead of staring at the man she loved, she gazed into the eyes of an innocent child, who thought he was experiencing his first Force vision. Deciding to work with his current awareness, she slowly reached out her hand, utterly failing to stop its trembling as she first touched, and then grasped his hand. Her own hand dwarfing his much smaller one, quite the opposite of what it would one day become. She shook it gladly.

“I can’t wait to meet you one day Ben Solo.” She paused, hesitant to say what her soul wanted her to. She knew she was not talking to the man who loved her, she was talking to a child. But the evidence was growing in her mind that their Dyad was intact from the moment they were born, and she felt a strange connection to this version of him. “But I fear it will be a while before we can see each other.”

Ben leaned forward, and touched her knee in assurance. Rey again felt chills explode in her spine at his touch. “If the Force is giving us this, I will never leave you Rey. Uncle Luke tells me the Force is mysterious, and who am I to question its guidance?” Rey reached down and placed her hand on top of his tiny one.

“Maybe you’re right. I hope we meet in the future as well.” Wordlessly, Ben reached down beside him, and whether they recently appeared, or had been there a while, she was not sure, but he grabbed a single white flower. The same white flowers from the memory of her own childhood, in a field with a swarm of butterflies. He picked it for her, and reached out to hand it to her. She looked between his face and the plant in his hand, and grasped the stem, taking it into her possession. Ben smiled at her, and his dimples shone once again.

With his joyful expression, the vision closed all too quickly. She found herself back in her own bed, sitting on top of it in a meditative position, legs crossed. She searched the room, but the butterfly was gone. She smiled as her logical brain began analyzing. Her and Ben as children both experienced a connection, and she felt the butterflies held a clue to that connection. Both her and Ben felt comforted by the presence of the insects, and if their Dyad was intact from birth, what other secrets did it hold for her to discover? The more Rey sat and thought, the more her conclusion felt real.

The butterflies served as a stand in comfort to them as children, until they could comfort each other. She liked to think that maybe the butterflies carried pieces of each other’s soul, as a reminder that one day, they would be together. Rey chose to believe this was the reason the butterfly visited her, and with that familiar head cock . . . “Ben, you can kriff off, you know that?” she spoke out loud to him, and laughed to herself. If he was doing that, she’d take it any time. Rey gathered her thoughts as she climbed out of bed, preparing for her day.

“Your hand, Rey.” She heard Ben whisper to her through their bond. She glanced down, and saw the white flower, child Ben gave her, still clasped in her left hand. A single blossom, and short stem, rough in her hand, shining bright in the morning sun. She took a deep breath in, as the reality of what the Dyadic Bond did settled in her gut. The bond and the Force took her back in time, to a vision that Ben had, of her. She was unsure what this meant, but it encouraged her to find a way to get to Ben’s notes as fast as she could. She placed the flower in her wine glass, filled it with some water, and began her day with new resolve.

Changing from her dirty jumpsuit to a pair of simple black pants, and tan shirt, she felt determination filling her soul again as she tied on her arm wraps. She would call a meeting of Resistance leaders soon, the First Order waited for her presence. However, before her mental planning could carry her away, she was interrupted by a knock at her door.

“Scavenger. We need to talk.” It was Hux, and while Rey was still not comfortable with his presence in the Resistance, others seemed to trust him, so she assumed she would need to work on trusting him moving forward. As long as he was useful to her, at the very least.

“If you had come 30 seconds earlier, you’d have seen me naked. Lucky for you, you were late.” She retorted, as she walked over to the door and opened it to his presence. He leaned against the door frame, his posture drastically different from the officer she pictured him to be, arms crossed, one leg bent over the other at the ankles.

“Not my personal preference, thank you.” Hux arched his eyebrows at her. “Can I come in?”

“If you must.” Rey backed up, waving her hand indicating he could come in, sarcastically. “And my name is Rey.”

“Ren only called you “Scavenger” or “the girl,” He recalled. “He was a man of few words.”

“How original of him.” Rey closed the door behind him and sat down on a trunk that contained her limited possessions and clothing, crossing her arms and legs. “Probably needed to hide his intentions.”

“And what intentions would those be?” He asked, sitting down on his own crate of supplies that she shared a room with. She really was sleeping in a supply room, but it would work during her time here.

“None of your business. All I know is it got him killed.” She responded, unsure how much information he actually knew, and she was attempting to resist probing his mind. If she was indeed moving in the direction of rejecting the Jedi Code, she could not use the Force as she willed. Best to get out of practice using it now.

“By your hand so the rumors say. I have other ideas.” Hux theorized.

“Oh?” Rey tried to hide her nerves by shifting in her seat and sitting more erect, pushing out her chest in a stance of authority.

“I don’t trust you Rey. I don’t believe you could kill him. I know his family history, I know you’re connected to all of them somehow. You and he are also connected in ways deeper than simple enemies. His obsession with you was unnerving. It distracted him from properly leading the First Order. He deserved to die for his incompetence.”

Rey felt fury rising up inside her; it felt so natural, something so easy for her. She knew this was the Dark Side and could not fall to it. Could not fall out of balance. She refused to do it. Ben came back to the Light for her, and she could not fall to the Dark in his absence. That would lead to her ruin.

“What do you want from me Hux?” She asked, while stuffing her anger behind a mental wall where her body could not access it.

“The Truth.” He glared at her with a stoic calm.

“And for what end?” She glared back with a stoic, less than calm feeling growing in the pit of her stomach.

“The First Order is in disarray. They crave the leadership of someone as powerful as Snoke. I only became a spy to take Ren down, and now that the First Order thinks BOTH of us are dead, they crave a leader.” Rey did not appreciate the direction her gut told her this conversation was going. “I think you could be the leader they need. We could take them down from the inside.” Yep, the conversation went exactly where she thought it was headed.

“Not my purpose for coming back. I’m not a fighter to use as you order. I’m not your empty vessel to be filled as you wish and used as you please.” She countered his assumptions. “Here, we are all equal, and you are no general.”

“Clearly.” He said after a brief pause. He studied her face for a long moment, as realization came over his own. He leaned his head back in satisfaction and slightly laughed. “Ren went to meet you on Exegol, didn’t he?” he fingered his lips deep in thought and continued to speak through his fingers. “He didn’t die on the Death Star wreckage. He died at the hands of Palpatine.”

“He did.” Rey confirmed, probably against her better judgment. She wished she could cross her arms a second time.

“Have you told them?” Hux nodded his head motioning outside her room toward the Resistance.

“Just you, Chewie, and Rose.”

“So the people you trust most of all then. . . Why did you tell me?”

“Because I sense you are not fully happy here and would lead the First Order again if you could.” Rey was shocked at what the ginger haired man did across from her. He laughed a belly laugh so deep she thought he would explode with glee.

“I never want to go back to them. They stole me away from a childhood I can never have back, parents I will never know, and power I will never possess. I wanted to take Ren down, and I did. So I have no desire to go back.”

_“Well, there went part of my plan.”_ Rey commented to herself.

“Then you can help me get there instead. I won’t be your fighter. But I will be your leader until I get what I want.” Rey stood up and strode over to Hux, who remained sitting, staring him down. “I need critical information that I believe the First Order possesses that may help me understand what happened with Palpatine, and could help the Resistance over take them, once and for all.”

“And what makes you think the First Order will believe you? That a former scavenger AND a Jedi, has turned and wants to support them? Not just support, but lead them?”

“I’m Palpatine’s granddaughter. I killed him, and carry the power of all the Sith, and the Dark Side in my soul.” Hux’s expression changed, as he searched her face, attempting to read it for any hint of malice.

“Prove it.” He practically commanded her. Without thinking, she reached out her hand and exploded the empty wine bottle sitting on the table with a flash of now purple lightning. While Hux looked both shocked and impressed he wasn’t convinced. “They will never believe you. You are going to need more evidence to convince them.”

“I also have a Sith Wayfinder that takes you to Exegol, where the Sith Throne is located. I can show them.” Hux looked as if he was beginning to believe she possessed the early steps in a potentially valid plan.

“What kind of information do you need to find?” He questioned with a smirk on his face.

“None of your business. You do your job, I’ll take care of mine.”

“You’ll need a change of clothes Empress Palpatine.” He winked and smirked at her.

“Oh, I already have a really good idea for that too.” Hux appeared to be considering her stance and came to some kind of conclusion.

“If you can get us in long enough to gather information, and we can craft an escape plan, this could work. But they will need to BELIEVE that you are his granddaughter, without question. Do you have a plan for that, young scavenger? I don’t see you as the kind of person willing to bleed a crystal. Your yellow saber won’t cut it.”

“Don’t worry about the details, I have that covered too.” Rey continued to stare him down until he caved.

“Yes, Empress. Anything you say, I stand at your command. The opportunity to take down the organization that stole a life from me? How could I pass it up?” He shrugged as he stood to leave. Rey smiled at him, and allowed just enough of her Dark Side to leak out so she could Force choke him the slightest bit to prove her point. She reached her hand out, and possessed him immediately.

“You betray me, I _will_ make sure you die this time, once and for all.” She threatened him as she choked his thin neck. He slightly nodded, and she let him go, motioning with her head for him to get out of her room.

He understood her, perfectly fine.


End file.
